Unfortunately, there aren’t classes in school teaching us how to choose a great romantic partner. Some people score and find a healthy relationship, but many of us stumble along the way. I really liked the straight talk from Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz about warning signs women should look out for in a man.
Written by Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz, YourTango
You think you love the guy. You even think he’s marriage material.
He says all the right things, but over time … you begin to notice that his actions don’t match his words. He tells you that he respects you, but dismisses your opinions. He claims he wants a shared relationship between the two of you, but then he makes all the decisions.
We’ve learned from over 33 years of marriage research conducted around the world that ignoring these warning signs comes at great risk to your health, happiness, and welfare. Heed the warning signs … before it’s too late.
Our favorite question for a woman whose marriage has failed is: “Why? What went wrong? Why do you think your marriage failed?”
The answer is almost always the same: “I thought I could fix him.”
There is one truth you can take to the bank, and that is: you CANNOT change a man! Either accept him the way he is—or move on.
Remember, personalities are well established by the early to late teen years (some even say by age 7). If you think you can change him, you are potentially setting yourself up for an unsatisfying and failed relationship.
Here are eight tell-tale behaviors you cannot change or fix:
1. He constantly engages in controlling behavior. We often hear women say to us, “He always wants control,” or, “If I want to go to movie X, he buys tickets for movie Y.” When your guy exhibits behaviors that telegraph he clearly wants complete control of your relationship, be very wary. A true loving relationship does not have bosses.
2. His condescending attitude drives you crazy. He doesn’t have the right to always have the last word. Frankly, a loving relationship should not have a hierarchy. He is not more important than you; his attitudes and opinions do not trump yours.
3. He often exhibits narcissistic behavior. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings.”
If your guy thinks he is superior to you, you should demonstrate otherwise by walking away from your relationship with him. It really is that simple.
4. He engages in bullying tactics. Let’s be honest here—nobody likes a bully. Sadly, bullying occurs in many marriages and relationships. A bully pushes you around and wants to make you cower in his presence. A bully is like a termite. He is always trying to get inside of you and weaken you at your foundation. He wants to eat away at your interior so he can control you. So, we ask this simple question, “Does your mate bully you?” If he does, it’s time to leave your relationship.
5. He tries to manipulate you. Does he try to “pull your strings” as if you were a puppet? And more importantly, does he continuously attempt to manipulate your actions, your feelings, your behaviors, and your aspirations? Some men always want to steer you towards a conclusion they would draw, not one you would. Manipulation is an insidious form of control.
6. He NEVER follows through with promises. Okay, he promised you a rose garden, but never delivered. He told you he would fix your car, but didn’t. He told you he would pick you up at 8:00 PM, but didn’t show up until 10:00 PM. He said he’d cut the grass, but didn’t. The truth is, he’s promised you that he’d do a lot of things. In the end, he rarely ever follows through on his promises.
7. He cannot be trusted. We’ve found over the years what the best marriages have at their core—TRUST. In those marriages that survive over time, they all report to us that their undying trust for each other carried them through the good times and the bad. Without complete trust, you cannot stay in the relationship.
8. He exhibits financial warning signs. Since the number one cause of disagreements in a marriage are financially related, it’s critical to notice warning signs present in the guy you think you want to marry. Here are just a few warning signs to pay careful attention to: He is often out of work. He spends his money on a lot of personal “toys” without regard for the consequences. You often end up paying the bill when you go out to dinner, a movie, or a concert.
These eight tell-tale behaviors are pervasive characteristics. They are very real. They define who a person is and they almost never change. A person’s actions do, in fact, trump their words.
Recognizing these characteristics could save you from a life of unhappiness, distress, and, very often, danger.
Far too many women mistakenly enter into a marriage believing that a man’s behaviors can change. It rarely ever does. Terrible disappointment is the only possible outcome. Don’t marry a guy you think you can change. Marry a man that you love completely (just as he is right now).
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Originally posted at YourTango: 8 Warning Signs that Scream ‘Don’t Marry Him’!