Acts of Service as Love Language: When Love Is a Verb

They sound like something you might hear about in church, but acts of service are a love language – one of the five love languages listed by relationship expert Dr Gary Chapman in his ground-breaking book, The Five Love Languages. No matter what stage of dating you’re in, acts of service in a relationship are a great way to show your partner you care. In this article, we’ll talk about the meaning of acts of service, offer you some acts of service as love language tips, and answer a few frequently asked questions you may have about acts of service as a love language.

What are acts of service?

When it comes to love languages, acts of service means doing things for your partner. They don’t have to be grand gestures – in fact, most acts of service are small, simple things that make everyday life easier for the person you love. Now, you might ask yourself, what’s the difference between giving gifts and doing acts of service? Gifts are generally objects and often have some monetary value, though a thoughtful cheap gift is usually better than an expensive one that isn’t a good fit for your partner. Acts of service, however, are just that – actions. Money can be a part of acts of service, but not always – the main point of this love language is showing love through actions.

Wondering if you display acts of service as a love language? Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you enjoy doing things to make your partner’s life easier?
• Do you think it’s important for people in a relationship to help each other?
• Do you like doing things for your partner that they find difficult or annoying?
• Do you mind setting aside time to do things for your partner?
• Would you rather spend money or put in effort?

Acts of service in a relationship

Doing acts of service for your partner is a great way to show them you care. Not only are you making their life easier, you’re showing them that you’re paying attention to the pain points in their daily routines (assuming you are) and doing your best to make sure they’re easier to deal with. Additionally, performing many acts of service often only requires time and effort, so it’s a good way to show you care without breaking the bank. According to a study by Gerald Matthews, a professor of psychology at George Mason University, using your partner’s preferred love language can actually strengthen your relationship¹ – so if your partner resonates with acts of service as a love language, doing things like putting gas in their car or bringing them a snack while they’re working can be a great way to show them how important they are to you.

Giving acts of service

What if acts of service is your partners’ love language? You surely want to fulfill their needs, which is great – but there are ways to do it well and ways to do it poorly.

First, make sure you’re doing things your partner actually finds helpful and is happy for you to do – help that isn’t actually helpful will just lead to hurt feelings and resentment on both your parts.

Second, try and make sure to anticipate their needs rather than waiting for them to be pointed out to you.

Third, focus on your strengths – if you can’t cook, perhaps don’t attempt to make them dinner.

Fourth, make sure to thank them for all the things they do for you.

And finally, keep a running list – especially for a partner who resonates with acts of service as a love language. Love is a verb – small regular demonstrations of your affection work better than large one-off displays.

Receiving acts of service

What if you’re the one whose love language is acts of service? Unfortunately, science still hasn’t figured out how to let us read our partner’s minds, so you’ll have to sit down and have a conversation with them. They may not realize what kind of help you find most useful, or that you’re the kind of person who sees love in actions in the first place.

Additionally, don’t fall into the trap of thinking a one-time conversation is enough; needs change as a relationship evolves, so it’s good to have a regular – weekly, or perhaps even monthly at the least – check-in to confirm that you’re both on the same page and that your needs are being met. Additionally, make sure to thank your partner for what they do for you – even if their love language isn’t words of affirmation, it’s always nice to feel appreciated by a loved one.

So now you know the meaning of acts of service… Time for some examples.

Acts of service in the early stages of dating:

• Do their preferred date activity even if you’re not a big fan
• Buy their favorite treat when you’re grocery shopping
• Offer to carry their things for them
• Cook their favorite food as a surprise
• Offer them your jacket if it’s cold

Acts of service in a relationship:

• Bring them their favorite breakfast in bed
• Take care of a chore they hate
• Schedule a call with loved ones to catch up
• Run errands for them
• Surprise them with a favorite treat

Acts of service in a long-distance relationship:

• Troubleshoot computer problems for them
• Send them stamps and envelopes
• Plan a weekend getaway for both of you
• Research something they want to know more about
• Send them reminders for things

Acts of service in marriage

• Buy a present for a family member on their side
• Take care of the kids so they can relax
• Take on a house-related project so they don’t have to
• Make the bed with clean sheets
• Pack their lunch

Everyday acts of service

• Fill their gas tank
• Get something they need when you’re out
• Make their coffee the way they like it
• Play their favorite music in the car together
• Give them a massage when they’re feeling stressed out

FAQ

What hurts someone whose love language is acts of service?

If someone’s love language is acts of service, it’s important to acknowledge that and do what you can to make their lives easier. Even if it’s not how you like to show love, refusing to help or leaving messes behind you can make them feel taken for granted and lead to a buildup of resentment between you.

How popular is acts of service as a love language?

According to a survey by Preply², acts of service is Americans’ favorite way to express love. This makes sense, as making your partner’s life easier and wanting to show them how much you care through your actions is a way to tell them you love them without saying the words.

With which other love language is acts of service compatible?

While all love languages have some overlap with each other, acts of service as a love language is probably most compatible with words of affirmation, as it’s always nice to be appreciated for the things we do. Additionally, it can be argued that spending quality time together is also an act of service in some ways.

Acts of service serve to strengthen your relationship everyday

Of the five love languages, acts of service is perhaps the most underrated. However, doing things for your partner is not only a great way to show them how important they are to you and how much you care, it’s also a great way to reframe the mundane activities of daily life as something more. Even if neither of you has acts of service as a love language, regularly doing things for each other – and expressing gratitude when your partner does – is a great way to strengthen your relationship no matter what stage of dating you’re in.