How to Break up with Someone: Closing the Door on Happily Ever After

“How to break up with someone” is not something anyone ever relishes Googling, alas, not all relationships have happy endings. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, ending a relationship is hard and takes a toll, even if you’re the one who makes the decision to leave. Regardless of why you want to break up with someone, it’s important to handle the process with respect and care. In this article, we’ll talk about why it is so hard to break up with someone, what to keep in mind during the whole process, and offer you some break-up tips.

When should you break up?

The answer to “Why do people break up?” is as varied as people themselves. No matter how good your relationship, the odds are that you’ll have at least a couple of moments where you wonder if you should break up. The key is to figure out whether these are just momentary flashes of emotion, or something more concrete. Here are some indications that it might be time for you to consider going your separate ways:

• You rarely spend time with each other anymore
• You realize your major values are different
• You fight nonstop
• One or both of you have stopped putting in the effort to make the relationship work
• The thought, ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship’ crosses your mind
• You aren’t getting your needs met
• You’re experiencing physical or emotional abuse
• You’re just not happy with them anymore

Why is it hard to break up with someone?

Like the song says, breaking up is hard to do. Even if you know intellectually that a relationship has run its course, pulling the trigger on leaving can feel impossible. Some of the reasons why people find breaking up with their partners difficult include:

• They might struggle with a fear of being alone forever if they let this relationship go
• They feel an emotional attachment to their partner
• They may feel guilty about hurting their partner’s feelings
• They may be financially or emotionally dependent on their partner
• They may be uncertain about the future and prefer the devil they know
• They may have low self-esteem and be unsure of their ability to make it on their own
• They may hope that things will get better if they stick it out
• They may feel social pressure to stay, which can be especially true for women

The best way to break up with someone: what to keep in mind

Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, it’s not uncommon to be unsure of how to break up with someone you love, or how to tell someone you want to break up. In this section, we’ll guide you through the entire process of breaking up with your partner.

Before the break-up

Dos:

• Make sure you actually want to break up. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than realizing you made a mistake too late to correct it. If you’re having a rough patch with your partner, try and talk things over with them before making the decision to leave. (We’ll talk about the one exception to this rule in a minute.)
• Plan how you want to end things. Just because you no longer want to be in the relationship doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t need consideration and care. Planning can also help you follow through and avoid making any bad decisions in the heat of the moment.
• Choose the right time and place. This will vary depending on your relationship; while it’s good to take your partner’s comfort into account, always prioritize your safety.
• Remind yourself that it’s completely okay to break up, regardless of what your partner, your family, or your friends say.

Don’ts:

• The exception to the rule when it comes to talking to your partner about any problems in your relationship? If they’re abusive. If that’s the case, keep any plans to leave as under wraps as possible.
• Don’t assume that you know how your partner will react. Regardless of how well you know somebody, you can’t predict their behavior during or after a breakup. It can be helpful to go through various scenarios in your head, positive and negative, and plan how to deal with each one.

During the break-up

Dos:

• Be compassionate but firm. Don’t feel you have to justify or explain yourself beyond a point, but try and be empathetic towards your partner’s feelings too. Use ‘I’ statements and make it about your choices and needs rather than any failures on their part.
• Be direct. You don’t need to be rude or overly harsh, but tiptoeing around the subject can lead to miscommunication and the process of breaking up being dragged on far longer than necessary. Being less direct might feel kinder in the moment, but it’s not.
• Keep the focus on the relationship. It might be tempting to vent your spleen at your partner, but don’t. Especially if there are kids involved, it’s best to keep things civil if you can. People break up for many reasons – focus on the ways the two of you aren’t a good fit rather than cataloguing your partner’s flaws.

Don’ts:

• Don’t show up to the meeting anything but sober. It can be tempting to indulge in a little liquid courage, especially if you know the conversation will be a hard one, but resist. You don’t want to make a booze-induced bad decision.
• Don’t ghost them, unless it’s a matter of your own safety. Ghosting isn’t just disrespectful, it can genuinely have a major negative impact on the other person’s mental health.

After the breakup

Dos:

• Set clear boundaries, and stick to them. Go no-contact if you can, or if you can’t (say, you have kids you share custody of), stick to communicating only what you must. Additionally, you don’t owe family and friends an explanation for why you broke up.
• Feel your feelings. Breakups are hard, even if you were the one who ended things, and even if you were totally justified in doing so. Take the time to properly grieve the relationship. Lean on your friends and family for support. Seeking professional help is also a great idea, especially if it was a long-term relationship or the split affected you deeply.
• Practice self-care. The time just after a breakup is the perfect time to focus on you. Whether that’s reconnecting with friends and family, booking yourself massages or spa appointments, sleeping in more, getting in the workouts you didn’t have time for before, or deeper ways of working on yourself like therapy – taking the time to heal is important.

Don’ts:

• Don’t focus too much on the past or what went wrong. Instead, try and fill your time with work, hobbies, family and friends. Use any time you now have to focus on the relationships that fell by the wayside while you were in a relationship.
• Don’t immediately jump into another relationship. Take some time to enjoy being single, and to reflect on what went wrong in your previous relationship, and how you can do better when you’re finally ready to date again.

How to break up over text

While you should try, where possible, to keep breakups face to face, sometimes breaking up by text is the best or even the only option. For instance, if in a situationship or something very causal, or where meeting them may not be a good idea for safety reasons. Some tips for sending any break-up text messages:

• Keep it short. This is not the time for long, rambling text messages.
• Double-check that autocorrect hasn’t ‘helped’. Also be sure to use full sentences and proper spelling and grammar. Not only will it help your text be taken more seriously, checking it over for errors can help you with refining your message.
• Resist the urge to fall back on cliches. Just because it’s a text doesn’t mean you can’t express your feelings.

Some examples of break-up text messages

• ‘It’s been great getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a good fit long-term. I wish you the best, though!’
• ‘I’m really grateful for our time together, but this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. I hope you understand.’
• ‘Hey, I had a really great time last night, but it was more a friendship vibe than romantic. Love to hang out if you feel the same way!’

How to end a long-distance relationship

Being in a long-distance relationship brings its own unique challenges, and that includes the question of the best way to break up with someone when you’re in a long-distance relationship. Ideally, you’d break up in person, but that’s not always possible in a long-distance relationship – waiting weeks or even months to finally pull the plug isn’t healthy for either of you. So if you’re wondering how to break up with someone nicely when it’s a long-distance relationship, here are a few tips:

1. Give them a heads-up. While you probably shouldn’t send them a text along the lines of, ‘hey, just so you know, I think we should break up,’ letting them know that you both should talk and it’s about something important.
2. Have the conversation over video chat if you can. While it’s not a replacement for a face-to-face conversation, it’s definitely better than a text. Other options include a phone conversation or, if you want to be really old-fashioned, a letter.
3. Find a way to get closure. This can take the form of writing them a letter and then burning it, a talk with your faith leader, or even an appointment with a therapist.

How to end a toxic relationship

Leaving a toxic relationship can be really hard. Toxic relationships sap your energy and break you down, meaning that summoning the psychological strength to leave can be really daunting. Here are some tips for how to end a toxic relationship:

1. Seek out a therapist who can help you work on your self-esteem and guide you through leaving your partner safely.
2. Tell trusted friends and family about your plans to leave and lean on them for support. Be careful, however, about who you tell; make sure they know how important it is not to let word slip to your soon-to-be ex.
3. Save money and make sure your documents and valued belongings are safe. Especially if your partner is abusive or you’re worried they could be, it’s important to be prepared.
4. Once you’ve left, cut off all contact. Staying in touch with a toxic ex can impede the healing process and even convince you they weren’t so bad after all.
5. Take the time to reflect on your past relationships and look for patterns of behavior. It’s possible that examining your relationship choices will help you make better ones in the future.

How to end a relationship when kids are involved

If there’s one thing that can put breaking up on hard mode, it’s the presence of kids. Whether they’re yours alone, your partner’s from a previous relationship, or yours together, the presence of little ones adds a serious wrench to an already complicated time. Here are some tips for how to break up with someone when you have kids:

1. Remember to always put their welfare first. Regardless of your feelings about your partner, you should both strive to do what’s best for the kids. Try and practice empathy and grace, since a better coparenting relationship will mean happier kids.
2. Explain what’s happening to the kids in an age-appropriate way. Regardless of how old they are, make it clear to them that the divorce is not their fault, that they’re still loved, and you will figure things out as a (slightly differently configured) family.
3. Always put everything in writing, whether that’s the custody agreement, the amount of child support, or your schedules. There are apps designed for coparents to communicate with each other, and you should use them. Even if your divorce is amicable, it’s always better to have a record of things just in case.

How to break up when married

Unfortunately, not all marriages last until death do you part. For couples who did tie the knot, breaking up is a little more complicated than it is for people who chose not to make it official. While divorce is never easy, especially if kids are involved, here are a few tips to ease the burden:

1. Decide what is important to you. Unfortunately, divorce can turn the person you used to love into a really ugly version of themselves. This can mean having to fight tooth and nail for things that matter to you, and you need to prepare for that. Sometimes it also means letting things go so that you don’t have to fight. Knowing where your lines are can help a lot.
2. Figure out your finances. Make sure you have a separate account that your soon-to-be-ex doesn’t have access to, that all your paperwork is in order, and you have a good idea of who owns and pays for what. The more information you have for your lawyer, the easier their job will be.
3. Don’t be too hard on yourself. People change, and it’s better to be divorced and happy than married and miserable, regardless of what anyone else might say.

Remember, every end is a new beginning

Ending things, especially if it’s a long-term relationship, is never easy, but if you understand how to break up with someone you care about with kindness and respect, it’s possible to minimize the pain and grief. Be considerate to your former partner, and to yourself – there’s no shame in taking the time to grieve and then heal. Once you’re ready to date again, eharmony is the perfect place to dip a toe in – our compatibility matching system helps you find other eligible singles who share your values. Sign up for eharmony and start looking for real love today.