How to ask someone out over text

Asking someone out over text often requires a nuanced touch in some areas, paradoxically combined with a very direct approach in others. If you’ve been exchanging messages with a potential connection for a while now – getting to know each other better and slowly growing more intimate – you may be wondering how to move the interaction forward.

So, how to ask someone out over text? The key is to be casual but clear in your intentions – to make them feel like this is the natural next step. To craft the perfect text to convey these feelings, you also need to be sensitive to romantic signals and maintain situational awareness to gauge whether text is even the best medium for it.

With a little common sense, this isn’t nearly as complex as it sounds. This quick and handy little guide will help you find the right approach for asking someone out over text.

How to ask someone on a date over text

Before we get into some examples and the psychology behind them, let’s start out with some simple dos and don’ts when it comes to how to ask someone out over text.

Dos when asking someone out over text

• Do wait for the right timing – Research shows that people being open to a relationship has a significant impact on its success¹. You should also wait for them to be in the right mood, not under any stress, and open to exchanging over text. 
• Do make use of compliments – Giving compliments sparingly can help when you’re stuck on what to say to ask someone out over text. Don’t be too effusive or superficial, though. Stick with thoughtful and subtle compliments.
• Do use your mutual interests as a starting point – Some people may want to say yes, but find the date idea too intimidating. A good way to mediate this when figuring out how to ask someone out over text is to pick a date idea you know will pique their interest. Mutual interests are a great place to start.
• Do remember that flirting over text is different from real life – How to flirt the right way over text can be a bit tricky. Try to strike a balance between playful and casual. Coming off too strong can potentially turn them off.
• Do consider gender in your approach – The best way for how to ask a girl out is different from how to ask a guy out. Guys tend to prefer a more direct approach, while women often balance out the pros and cons, exercising greater caution². 

Don’ts when asking someone out over text

• Don’t open with asking them out – Try to warm them up to the idea after initiating conversation. Try to gauge how their day is going and what kind of mood they’re in, while also easing them into the interaction.
• Don’t ask them out without a date already in mind – While you may be preoccupied with whether they like you, that’s something you can explore on the date. The most important thing is having a date idea ready that makes it easier for them to agree.
• Don’t make a big deal out of it – Casual and inquisitive is the best tone when you’re thinking about how to someone out over text. Text can be a bit of an impersonal medium so keep them engaged by keeping it simple and friendly.
• Don’t push them for a response immediately – They may take anywhere from 5 minutes to a few hours to respond, depending on a variety of things. Be patient with their response. If they completely ghost you on the questions, a polite follow-up is acceptable.
• Don’t forget to follow up – While getting them to say yes is the ultimate goal when considering how to ask someone out through text, you might lose the date if you go radio silent without follow-ups. Don’t be excessive, just check up on them, tell them you’re excited, and confirm your plans on the day of the date.

If you’re looking for the best way to ask someone out over text, it depends on the individual relationship. Seeing some signals of mutual interest is often your best starting point, but building on that by picking your moments and approaching it the right way in the context of your past interactions – while  not coming on awkwardly or aggressively when you do ask – can make it a lot easier for the other person to agree. 

How to ask someone out online

The best way for how to ask someone out online can often be a bit different than over text, when it comes to modern dating culture. Over text, it’s typically someone you know or are on familiar terms with, but there may be little or no existing romantic context.

Conversely, on dating apps, the romantic context is very clear. It’s the primary function of the service. This is good but it can also make conversations online feel a bit loaded, causing people to act more distant. While most of our advice for how to ask someone out over text still apply, focus your efforts on three primary goals: establishing compatibility, fostering interest and building rapport.

Here are some tips to consider when figuring out how to ask someone out on a dating app.

• Stand out by starting strong: Building a connection can be trickier here. Try to use the content of their profile as reference points for both conversation and potential date ideas. People often juggle a few connections online simultaneously, so try to stand out from the crowd by asking unusual, engaging, open-ended questions and keeping the tone light.
• Be real and relatable: Make them feel like there’s an authentic person behind the profile by keeping it properly filled out and being unafraid to share about yourself when they ask. When thinking about how to ask them out over text, you may have already moved off of the app, which shows greater trust. But make sure the date idea is also in a very public place, and consider a daytime date.
• Don’t overthink it: Because you’re using an app specifically for dating, when you ask them, just be clear and casual about it. Frame it as enjoying the conversation, but now you simply want an opportunity to see if there are any sparks in real life. Remember to not wait too long to ask or the connection may go cold.    

The ultimate question of “How can I ask someone out on a dating app?” is more straightforward on eharmony because we only connect you with authentic relationship-minded singles based on a highly psychological approach to compatibility. Our additional features, like the Icebreaker also make it easier and more engaging to build a rapport with other compatible singles.

Let’s look at some various examples of the text you could send to your crush, depending on what tone you think, and approach is appropriate.

Casual & direct examples for how to ask out your crush over text

• “Want to meet up this weekend?”
• “I’ve got two tickets to that new movie on Saturday and I can’t find anyone to go with.”
• “You seem really good at [a common interest]. Care to give some pointers in person sometime?”
• “Hey, I’m going to be in your area for work tomorrow. Fancy meeting up for a slice of pizza?”
• “How’s your weekend looking? Got time for a coffee?”
• “I’m just going to come out and say it. I like your vibe. Want to meet up for a drink?”
• “Getting to know you has been cool. I’d like to see where this goes. Maybe over dinner this weekend?”
• “You and I should get together for some tasty cocktails and light flirting sometime. You in?”
• “I get excited every time I see you in my notifications. I simply have to ask you out on a real date.”
• “I want to get us tickets to that festival coming up. Want to go with me as more than friends?”  

Cute ways to ask someone out over text

• Go old school and put together a playlist on Spotify and send them the link with something like, “I was thinking of you when I put this together.”
• Use an event as a springboard. For instance, if they just achieved something, you could say, “We have to celebrate. Can I take you out?”
• There’s nothing wrong with a playful poem when considering how to ask someone out of text. Example: “I keep myself busy with the things I do, but every time I pause, I still think of you.”
• Use previous conversations to show you’re listening. “You said you find abstract art confusing. There’s an abstract exhibition this weekend. Can I be your art guide for the day?”
• Show that you’ve considered timing. “It seems like things are going better for you at work now. Do you think you have space in your life now for dinner together this weekend?”

Flirty ways to ask someone out over text

• You could try a bold approach to stand out. “I just can’t get the thought of seeing you out of my mind. Want to put me out of my misery this weekend and meet up?”
• If you have a playful relationship, you could try putting out some first date ideas. “What are you doing this Friday and why is it going out with me for a pastry?”
• Being cheesy can work with the right kind of person. “I figured out what’s wrong with my life. There’s not enough of you in it. Want to fix that with a date soon?”
• You can always try something really cute and forward when exploring how to ask someone out over text. “I’ve ordered a large pizza and I’m rewatching Love Actually. What would you say if I said ‘come over’ right now?”
• Compliment them. “I’m going crazy looking at the selfies on your profile. I have to see the 3D version in person as soon as possible.” 

Is it bad to ask someone out over text?

Not at all. “Is it bad to ask someone out over text?” was a relevant dating question in 2005. In the modern dating scene, it’s often preferable or the only option available. But text approaches vary widely.

So, when coming up with ways to ask someone out over text, consider simply probing the possibility. Something like “Hey, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. How do you see me in your life?” However, this might be a bit too intense in certain contexts. In this instance, you want to try to go in the vein of the more casual approaches we’ve illustrated.

Studies have shown that text requests are the least effective means of getting people to agree³. However, emotions don’t come into play when you’re simply looking for compliance. When you’re thinking about how to ask someone out over text, you don’t just want them to agree, you want authentic desire and excitement at the idea alone. Text can provide the social distance to get to the heart of matters.    

When to better ask someone out in person

Text can often just be the wrong option for how to ask someone out. If you’re already quite close to them or see them regularly anyway, a text could come across as somewhat impersonal.

If you already have a defined relationship, for example, as friends or coworkers, a text asking them out may feel like a jarring surprise. An in-person conversation can help you warm them up a bit, pivot based on non-verbal cues, and make it feel like more of a discussion than a declaration.

How to not sound desperate over text

Desperation is a rather easy tone to avoid when talking to someone. If you feel like you’re telegraphing desperation when approaching the idea of how to ask someone out over text, consider whether you’re unconsciously injecting this tone due to a needy mindset. Here’s how to address this problem:

• Be confident – Focus on conveying confidence in your texts, as it puts you in a stronger position socially, makes you more convincing and leads to greater self-worth⁴. Make sure it’s an approachable confidence though, as arrogance can also be off-putting. 
• Don’t be pushy – Forcing an answer out of someone usually has a negative outcome. If you’re already acting pushy before the date, it can give them the idea that this behavior will only worsen as they get to know you better and you feel more comfortable around them.
• Be casual – Avoid texts that act as confessionals or say too much at once, as these can be overwhelming and sound desperate. When weighing options for how to ask someone out over text, go for a less-is-more approach. Focus on getting a conversation going and arousing interest.

Expert Tip

Adopt an attitude of abundance. An attitude of abundance is an attitude of confidence. It’s knowing that you are a valuable commodity. You are worth something. As is your time and the energy that you put into the moment of being on this date.

Laurel House

eharmony Relationship Expert

Dealing with rejection over text

When you get rejected, there will be two factors at play: how you feel and how you react. Do not let these two concepts bleed into each other when you respond.

Let’s cover the response first. You don’t want to damage your existing relationship, hurt their feelings, or close the door on any future developments in your relationship just because they said no, right? If you picked the appropriate option when you were considering how to ask someone over text, then there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Simply give them a casual response like, “No worries. Just thought I’d explore the option and ask! Still friends though?”

In terms of your emotions, we understand it can be disappointing and difficult not to take personally. Take the time to process the rejection on your own, affirm yourself in your existing relationships with friends and family, and remember that there is proven psychological value in practicing self-care post-rejection.⁵

Learn how to ask someone out over text as if it were any medium

You can copy and paste one of the examples we’ve shared with you today and probably experience some degree of success. What we hope these examples and discussions have inspired today, when thinking about how to ask someone out over text, is that being personal, inventive and referring to previous experiences can help you craft something that truly expresses your feelings and compels them to see you differently. Just remember to keep it casual and never take any rejection to heart for too long.

Come and practice your conversation and asking-out skills on eharmony to meet singles with similar views of authenticity and find compatible partners. You may even find the person who was right for you all along ends up asking you out.

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