Two gears interlocking - one says HOT and ones says COLD

How to Deal with the Hot and Cold Guy

by Jeannie Assimos - August 5, 2013

This guest blog comes from insightful author Virginia Clark, who writes about an area extremely familiar to many women. I love her thinking on this one…especially the part about not assuming it is anything you have done. It is better to ask what is going on before spending too much energy thinking you must have screwed things up along the way.

There’s a time in many relationships when a man suddenly goes from hot to cold. He’ll seem to be more distant  — as if he’s starting to pull away. This change can throw us into a panic, making us feel insecure just when things were beginning to feel so good.

It’s common to interpret this change of behavior as being our fault, creating an emotional reaction that’s way out of proportion. Old hurts and wounds from childhood get triggered and suddenly we’re like a kid again, afraid of losing the love we depend on for survival.

Our self-confidence, which received a boost with this new romance, suddenly crashes into confusion and self-doubt. We thought we were strong but we now feel like a helpless victim over his apparent change of heart. Desperation overrides our good judgment and we find ourselves in our primal “flight or fight” mode.

This is when we revert out of fear to our primary survival patterns. If our survival pattern is fight, we’ll run after a man who’s acting cold. We’ll go into pursuit, finding ways to make ourselves more attractive or becoming sexually aggressive. We’ll text, email or call him trying to get his attention. We’ll seek him out and use any tactic we can think up to get his interest back.

This approach won’t be helpful because we’re coming from a place of fear, the fear of losing him. We just end up making ourselves seem needy and desperate. And how will he react to our sudden onslaught of love and attention? He’ll likely pull back even more.

If our survival pattern is flight, we’ll run from his supposed coldness and leave him. We create our own suffering in the present by going for the safety of avoiding a future breakup. Flight also shows up in a kind of “tit for tat” mentality. If you’re going to withdraw from me, I’m going to do the same to you.

This is another bad approach to dealing with a man who is acting cold. Once we’ve withdrawn and shut him out, it’s all too easy for him to do the same, permanently. All of a sudden the woman he was getting to know has changed her feelings towards him and he will take it as a logical cue to end the relationship. He won’t figure out that our reaction is in reaction to him, he’ll just feel that the woman who was looking so good has suddenly changed.

So what is the best way to react when a man goes from hot to cold?

Do nothing. It’s time to pause. The only good thing to do is to get busy in your own life and distract yourself from the relationship. Easier said than done, but essential. Not only will you be taking care of things you need to do, but it will help you regain your confidence and self-esteem.

You need to stay open. There may be reasons for his disconnect that you aren’t aware of and it could have nothing to do with you.

After waiting a reasonable amount of time (use your intuition here), you’ll need to bring the subject up. You have every right to find out why he’s gone from hot to cold in your relationship. If he’s able to tell you what’s going on, the conversation could bring you closer. If he refuses to share his feelings and stays distant, then it’s time to walk away.

In either case, you’ll feel good about yourself for taking control of your half of the relationship and for not letting fear dictate the outcome.

Have you experienced the man who runs hot and cold? How did you handle it and what did you learn?


About the Author:

Virginia Clark (aka Virginia Feingold Clark) has coached hundreds of woman by helping them to uncover their blocks to love and marriage. With over 12 years of experience as a successful Certified Hypnotherapist, she is an expert on the power of the subconscious mind and it s ability to transform one’s love life. Learn more about her new book, It’s Never Too Late to Marry.