How to get over a breakup and find yourself again

If you’re wondering how to get over a breakup, you wouldn’t be alone. The truth is that breakups are tough and can leave you feeling drained and disconnected. You may find yourself feeling less motivated or zoned out too. At times, you might even struggle with physical activities and have difficulty sleeping. But, deep down, you want to move past these negative feelings. That’s why you’re here, looking for ways to heal from the hurt.

You may have sought advice from friends, but it probably didn’t help, and that’s fine. After all, there’s no rulebook for handling a breakup because everyone heals differently, and what works for one person might not work for you.

Regardless of what might have caused the breakup, one thing is certain: with time, you will heal — slowly and fully. In this article, we’ll discuss why breakups hurt so much, and by the end, you will learn how to overcome a breakup.

Types of breakups and how they influence your healing process

How to let go of someone often depends on the type of breakup you experience, as it can shape how hard it is to move on and how long healing takes. Ultimately, this all affects how you get over a breakup.

Here are some common types of breakups and what they can feel like.

Mutual breakup

This breakup is a non-complex agreement between both persons to let each other go. It acknowledges that you both do not feel the same way as you felt at the beginning of the relationship. It could also be that your priorities do not align and the best way to avoid clashing is to put things to an end. Even though it was mutually agreed upon, coping with the breakup can be quite difficult because the hurt that comes with it can feel unexpected. This is because there was once a strong connection, and now there’s a sense of loss, even though you know it is not tied to any form of betrayal or misunderstanding.

Circumstantial breakup

Take a look at this scenario: your relationship is going smoothly. You wake up every day to texts from your lover, reassuring you that nothing will ever separate you, and you’re happy because everything seems to be going well. Then, your partner gets promoted at work, and it requires them to relocate. You’re happy they get to chase their dreams, but communication becomes difficult. More issues start to spring up, which eventually leads to a circumstantial breakup. This breakup can be so difficult to move on from, especially when you’ve invested so much into the relationship. Keep in mind that it is completely fine to cry over it, give yourself time to heal, and eventually move on.

Other circumstances like religion, family, health issues, etc. could be a reason for this breakup too.

The cheating breakup

This is a traumatizing type of breakup, especially when you find out late that someone you deeply love and care about cheated on you. No betrayal can compare to this, and it’s totally understandable if you struggle with how to get over the heartache. Even though you’re still in love with them, the breakup happens because their betrayal shatters your self-esteem, but you choose to prioritize your healing.

That right there is exactly how you begin to get over a breakup.

Ending a toxic relationship

In this situation, the relationship ends because your partner is abusive and manipulative. If one chooses to stay, it could get worse.  Even though you loved them and getting over them might be hard, you leaving is vital to avoid danger, be it emotional and psychological or physical.

Sudden breakup

This kind of breakup can be confusing because one moment everything is fine, then out of the blue, your partner decides to break up without any reason. It could be that they fell out of love and you were the only one emotionally invested in the relationship. This can be difficult to stomach especially when you find out they’ve been holding it in for a long time.

Do you ever wonder why breakups hurt so much? Why can they break us down and leave us struggling to cope with the heartbreak? Here are some reasons why this happens:

Breakup is equal to loss of meaning

Breakups hurt so much because your whole life routine is changed. All the plans you made together about the number of children you want to have together, or the house you want to move into after marriage become mere words and something you have to leave behind in the past. This sense of loss hits hard because all of a sudden you go from looking for ways to make your partner happy, to looking for ways to get over someone you love, which is not easy. Now you’re left with the void. Adding to that, the time and effort invested into the relationship leaves you with pain.

Breakup has physical and chemical reaction consequences

According to research, the brain processes heartbreak (social pain) in the same region that processes physical pain, which is the anterior cingulate cortex.¹ This is why a breakup can seem to cause physical pain, such as chest tightness or fatigue. Love also involves chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, so when love is lost, the brain stops getting the same high from these chemicals. In response, it craves those feel-good chemicals, which is why heartbreak hurts so much and why we often struggle to get over a breakup.

The breakup comes with grief

Breakups involve a form of mourning a person. While they aren’t dead, they are never coming back into your life. The pain hurts more if you also lose friends you made because of the relationship. Now you’re alone and left to deal with those losses. At that point, you go through the five stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance).

For you to hurt this much, it means the breakup must have had an impact on you. If you notice that you can’t handle this feeling alone, don’t hesitate to lean on trusted friends and spend time with family.

Rejection and stain on self-worth

The aftermath of a breakup comes with questioning your self-worth. You start to lose your self-esteem, feel rejected, and wonder what went wrong with you that made your ex-lover fall out of love with you. You can slowly start to feel like you weren’t enough or maybe the people they moved on to are better than you.

Sometimes you can’t even hold a conversation with potential love interests anymore because your past relationship made you feel like you don’t have what it takes.

No matter the type of breakup, it makes sense that you may feel this way, and most times, we are left with no clear answers as to why things happened.

Fear of unknown

After you spent so much time planning your future with your partner, here comes a breakup that disrupts everything – taking you back to square one. Suddenly, figuring life out, making decisions, and taking big steps is now a struggle without that person by your side.

All of these changes lead to anxiety and fear of what the future will hold for you. Also, it takes time to start over, especially if it was a long-term relationship that suddenly ended for no clear reason.

How to get over a breakup

How to get over a breakup varies for everyone, as each person’s experience is unique. While we also can’t guarantee how long it will take to get over the breakup, here are some general coping strategies to help you move on quickly:

Expert Tip

Getting over a breakup, especially with someone you deeply loved, is challenging but not impossible. The key is focusing on healing and rediscovering yourself. Start by accepting your emotions and not avoiding them. Some of these emotions might be: heartache, sadness or anger which are all natural parts of the grieving process. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can help you process these feelings.

Dr Lalitaa Suglani

eharmony Relationship Expert

Finding new sources of meaning

Now that the relationship is over, be open to trying new things. Here are some activities you can focus on to keep yourself occupied:

• Going hiking
• Learning a new skill
• Volunteering at events
• Reading books
• Hitting the gym

All of these activities keep you busy, and give you time to get out there, rather than sitting in solitude thinking of yourself as broken because of a breakup. “A way of supporting yourself through a breakup and heartache is to take proactive steps,” Dr. Lalitaa adds. “Discover how to cope with breakup by removing reminders of your ex, establishing boundaries (like limited contact), and redirecting energy into things that make you happy. Build a support system and, if you need it, seek therapy to gain perspective.”

Focus on creating new memories

Now there’s more time to focus on yourself and create new memories with loved ones, so make the most of it. You can start pursuing a new career path, go on holidays with friends and family, attend parties, and capture every memory made. When you do all this, thinking about how to cope with a breakup becomes the last thing on your mind, because you spend time creating a new version of yourself and your happiness.

Focus on self-care

One of the most effective ways to get over a breakup is by prioritizing yourself. You might consider getting new clothes, listening to podcasts on mental health, getting plenty of sleep, signing up for yoga classes, or trying out exercise to stay healthy. These are some self-care tips that can help you improve physically, mentally, and also emotionally.

Allow yourself to grieve

Keep in mind that how to get over a breakup isn’t about suppressing your feelings, because the pain doesn’t go away quickly or easily.

The mistake many of us make is that after a terrible heartbreak, we bottle up our hurt and carry the aggression into a new relationship. Many even become cautious of how they express love, which leads to more unhealthy relationships. For example, according to a recent eharmony study on unlocking the secrets of breakup, many Gen Zers are jumping out of entanglements in styles that can be confusing for the person, including being ghosted (44%), not getting a text back (49%), and breadcrumbing, which is flirting without intention (45%).²

In addition, 84% of Gen Z singles believe that past heartbreaks have made them ‘more cautious’ about relationships, and 72% say it made them ‘less trusting’ in relationships.

While it’s important to guard your heart, try not to project past pain onto others. No doubt, breakups can hurt so much that they break you down. You can express it, whether it’s anger, tears, or rage—let it all out. Accept your emotions and feel whatever you need to. When you’re healed, you can then approach new relationships with a healthy mindset and genuine intentions.

You might be wondering, ‘how long does it take to get over a breakup?’ Studies say it’s about six months³, but Dr. Lalitaa Suglani says there is no fixed timeline for how long it takes to get over heartbreak – it varies for everyone. “Remember, letting go isn’t about forgetting: it’s about making peace and opening yourself to new possibilities. Focusing on self-care and personal growth helps quicken the process.” So give yourself time and grace.

Avoid negative coping mechanism

It is not the time to hook up with a stranger to get your ex jealous, or drown yourself in alcohol. That is not how to get over a breakup in a good way. Yes, these things might be a temporary solution to get them off your mind, but by the time the consequences hit, it could add to your pain and cause longer-lasting damage. So, avoid this coping mechanism if it ever crosses your mind. Instead, give time to growth.

How to move on and rediscover yourself

In summary, we admit that breakups can be triggering, but healing from them gives you time to strategize and rediscover yourself. Maybe some breakups were meant to happen, maybe you needed it to see that there is so much more to do alone – and even better. One thing that’s for sure is that you’ll notice that when you prioritize yourself,  you’ll make more progress than you could ever imagine. Who knows? You could even meet someone else that would treat you so much better. 

Also, sometimes those waves of sadness might hit you from time to time, even when it seems like you already got over the breakup. Don’t try to hold it in, let it all out. One thing that’s for sure, is that it gets easier. Eventually you won’t feel those feelings at all.

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