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How Communication Works on eHarmony

Hi there! Are you loving the latest eHarmony experience? We hope so! As communication is the key to successful relationships, we also realize it is vital to making a great first impression. This is exactly why we have spent so much time updating our communication experience. That being said, we’d like to share some really useful information that might benefit you when using our Guided Communication process.

Let’s begin by stating the obvious for men and women — we all want to feel wanted, so it feels good when someone takes action to win you over. Fellas, don’t hesitate to initiate communication with your matches. Take the first step with confidence and the rest should fall in stride. Most women will appreciate the effort and generally respond in Guided Communication. Ladies, if you see a match who really intrigues you,  we encourage you to reach out as well.

Wait — what’s Guided Communication you ask? It’s a four-step program of communication with your matches. The steps are categorized as Quick Questions, Makes or Breaks, Digging Deeper and eHarmony Mail. Basically, you get to know your matches in a more thoughtful manner that breaks the ice — not at a glacial pace but at a more comfortable pace.


The goal here is to help you learn more about your matches in this simple, first step of communication. We provide a number of questions for you to choose from, so you can select the ones most important to you. Choose the ones you’d love to get answered, and send them over to your match. They will choose from the pre-selected answers, so it should be a fairly quick process. Then, they get to send you a few questions of their own so they can get to know you, too.


Makes or Breaks are really important, because these are essentially your dealbreakers! It is best to be completely honest here, and take time to think about what is absolutely most important to you in a partner. On the flip side, you want your choices to be diversified, having a nice balance, as this is what your matches are looking for in a significant other. Nearly every eHarmony Success Couple we have talked to say they were painfully honest about what they were looking for.


With Digging Deeper, you can either ask your own questions, or choose from some from our list — whatever you are most comfortable with. This is your first opportunity to shine and to really set yourself apart from the crowd as you answer this set of questions. In your responses, try to be light-hearted, positive and jovial. Stay away from somber topics, like your dead dog and your ex. Save that stuff for a later date.

Really try to explain your answers in detail. If you really want to impress them, you should consider writing a response in the 5-6 sentences range that efficiently illustrates your thoughts and feelings. This lets them know that you are a good communicator.

eHarmony MAIL

This is like the icing on top. Once you’ve made it to this stage, you’re home free…right? Well, maybe not quite. You want to keep the topics G or PG rated for the first couple of responses. Also make it a point not to attempt and take the communication off of the site too early. If you throw out your contact info in the first message, you run the risk of looking a little creepy.

The point of getting to this stage is to savor these communications as you’ve finally made it to the eH mail stage where you can send your match messages as frequently as you want, but don’t overwhelm or smother them. But, don’t take days to answer either. An ideal response is prompt, courteous, friendly and filled with humor. One important note: If you have completed the Guided Communication, and it’s your match’s turn to start/initiate eH mail, you have to respond to that first eH Mail to keep the conversation going.  If you don’t, you will be stuck in a state where you’re not officially/mutually in eH Mail yet.


One of the biggest mistakes people make when using the Skip to eH Mail is that they move too fast for comfort. Take it easy, take it nice and slow and you’ll be fine. Ease into it and always keep in mind that the person that you’re communicating with is still getting to know you. Don’t write anything that you’d feel uncomfortable having your grandmother read.  If you skip to eH mail and your match isn’t ready for that just yet, you shouldn’t take it personally. This just means they prefer a different pace of communication.

We wish you the very best as you get to know your matches!

– Jack