Today’s guest blog comes from insightful Relationship Coach Virginia Feingold Clark of YourTango – who warns us about the “hot and cold” guy!
If you’re in a relationship with a man who runs hot and cold you’ll be at his mercy unless you get a grip on yourself. Nothing will make you more crazy and desperate than a man who is playing hide n’ seek with your emotions.
The situation is classic. He starts to pull away, you become like a dog with a bone, unwilling to relinquish what you want. You search frantically for the man who was “hot” on you. He must still feel that way — he just doesn’t know it. So your problem becomes how to get him to pursue you like he did before. The trap is believing that there is something you have to make right and that you did something wrong that made him turn cold.
How to get a man to stop this behavior is not the question you should be asking. Rather, you need to understand why he is this way, and then maybe you’ll see that it’s not your mission to change him.
There are men who habitually run hot and cold, oblivious to the “passive aggressive” way they deal with women. It’s so much a part of them they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong or hurtful. As a result, they don’t feel the need to change.
But most hot and cold men are aware of what they’re doing. You can bet that they’ve acted this way before, that women have complained to them an abundance of times. You’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last.
Most of these men haven’t grown up, they’re just immature. They act like they’re still in grade school. They thrive on the challenge of wooing you until you fall for them, but as soon as they think they’ve got you, they get bored and move on. It doesn’t matter how fabulous, beautiful or smart you are, they still get bored because it’s not about you. It’s about the thrill of the chase and you are the prize for a moment or two.
Some hot and cold men may just not be ready for a fully committed relationship. He may like you a lot but be unable to decide if you’re “The One.” Rather than making a decision, it’s easier for him to string you along until he can know for certain. His ambivalence will bring out his hot and cold behavior since he is so indecisive.
The worst offenders are the men who use you for ego gratification. They actually get a thrill watching you suffer over their inconsistent and rude behavior. It makes them feel powerful to know they can treat you badly and then pick up the phone and still have you available whenever they want.
These men are full of pride. They relish the game of cat and mouse they’re playing with you. It gives them a sense of entitlement that they’ve mastered the art of being inconsistent and uncommitted. They love to watch a woman emotionally fall apart over their inconsiderate actions.
Changing these men is not in your job description. Your attempts will just make you lose your confidence and destroy your faith that there are any good men out there. The best thing you can do if you are with a hot and cold man is to cut him out of your life completely.
But beware: a man like this will be triggered by your rejection and turn hot on you again. He may not fully want you, but he also doesn’t want you to set the rules. In the end, you have to know that he’s not for you. He is emotionally unable to make the deep, intimate and life-long commitment you’re looking for.
Ladies, have you dealt with this type of guy?
More over at YourTango:
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Jonathan Beber, — M.A.
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
That is a great article but, what if your one of those guys? I’m hot and cold, but I don’t want to be alone. I want to learn how to change and find the right person. Its great that you warn the ladies out there, but how do the guys that want to change learn to change?
what about some women. it’s a lot of women out there now that are hot and cold. that string men along using him for his money,and to just satisfy their sexual needs. like we’re some type of toy. then when they get depressed and hurt they go running to the other guy and talk about they feelings,then they end up back with the same guy that hurt them in the first place, basically just wasted the other guy time.
I can easily point out flaws in women as much as you pointed out in men however since this article is about men. I will give my advice to men.
I call this article what I would describe an inactive man. A man with low serotonin.
Activity = high serotonine = happiness and lasting longer in the bedroom.
Inactivity = high dopamine = happy as a 12 year old boy and dealing with premature ejaculation.
Start by walking 10km per day. Just walk anywhere. It Doesn’t matter. The point is to use up your energy so you’ll gain energy capacity in the long run and be clear minded.
Ladies. If you have a man like this. Tag team with him to the gym and don’t nag like a mommy. Emotional abuse isn’t healthy.
Men. Head out the door for your 10km.
I had a terrible experience with someone who ran super hot and super cold, so have thought about the “how to change” thing til my brain turned to mush. The first thing I think, as simple as it sounds, it to realize you’re making a CHOICE. You’re choosing to be unavailable and hot and cold. It’s not out of your control to change or be a different way. Realize that everything has consequences and hurting people will somehow come back to haunt you. Accept that. It always happens. You’ll see it when you lose someone you ended up in love with. If you really want to change, take time not being with any woman and reflect on WHY you pull the hot and cold – work to understand/heal/fix THAT and that’s a first step there…
learn why you do what you do and be proactive in not doing those things.
James, If you want to change, you change. You, sir, are looking for an excuse to continue your bad behavior while garnering sympathies from vulnerable women. You are a coward. Decide that you will no longer be a flip flopper and commit. Take the leap. Get counseling.
James, I think the answer to your question is inside of you. If you want to be a different man, then its up to you to decide to do it….and then actually do it. I’ve been the girl who’s guy is like a faucet. It’s exhausting, and sadly we are both being robbed of what I know (as I suspect he does too)could really be a special bond. If it is truly what you seek, I can tell you’ll never find the right girl playing head games. If the right one happens along and she’s savvy, she’ll either assess the game and scat outta there, or if she’s a softie she’ll get suckered in in the hopes you’ll have an epiphany and when you don’t, end up resenting you for it in the end. Happiness is hard enough to hold onto. You don’t want to take those kind of chances if the right girl stumbles onto your path. You could end up hurting or losing someone who really really loves you. Take some time alone. Figure out what you really want and crave and then go for that. Don’t be narrow, be open, but have a guideline for the type of person you could realistically be happy with and don’t derail with women who are irrelevant to your ultimate goal. Water seeks it’s own level. Find someone on your page. Talk to her. Find out how she’s feeling about you. You might be surprised to learn she has her doubts too. Most importantly, trust your gut. If she feels like a good fit, don’t smother it with false doubt and indecision. Enjoy each other. In my observation it is a matter of thinking about the other person more than yourself. It has a reciprocal effect that makes you both happy. Try not to be preoccupied with what gratification she might temporarily bring you. Instead focus on pleasing her, learning her. If she is reciprocating then you’ve hit pay dirt. You might actually have fun doing it. There is nothing wrong with spending time and deciding that a person is not the right one for you, but remember compassion. Playing ping-pong with someones feelings because you can is not nice which should be incentive enough for you not to do it. Think of how it would make you feel if it were you, or your sister or your daughter or mom or any woman you care anything for. There’s no magic formula for decency. It’s the old golden rule, my friend. Treat people with the kind of dignity, compassion and basic respect you would want for yourself. I applaud you for owning the behavior and wanting to change it. That’s admirable. Best of luck to you. Hope something I’ve said here helps…
Erica,
I have met and ‘fallen’ badly for a guy who runs hot and cold. Fortunately I recognized the pattern and decided I would not go forward with the relationship. I am one of those ‘savvy’ women you talk about who assessed and scatted. The toughest part is that there is no “closure” — God how I hate that word — because we are not communicating. He knows that this is difficult for any woman because he is a smart guy. I told him in our last phone conversation that I think his behaviour is a pattern that has played out with a lot of his relationships. I don’t think I have ever read a better piece of advice to a guy who plays the hot-and-cold game, than I see in your very wise posting. This is a solid piece that I have printed off and will keep handy in case I am ever tempted to forget his idiot behaviour.
Thank you so much!
James,
It sounds like you want to change.
Ignore the angry people who tell you to “get therapy” implying that there is something wrong with you that needs fixing; rather seek understanding of yourself (and others) -via reading and analysis (which is just a type of conversation), if you want. There is nothing to cure; there is learning about yourself that can free you from your own internalized jailers, and make you stronger and more autonomous to live freer life that you might enjoy much more.
Ignore the people who tell you to “grow up” too, if by growing up they mean “commit” or “follow their or societies rules” that feel like a violence against you. But if by “mature’, they mean take care of and nurture yourself and reach your full potential (as a cared-for green fruit matures to a ripe red one), well, then, you might like that.
Go to therapy.
Thumbs up on this comment
And yes she is right…you need to grow up and none of us can help you do that….get therapy…
James,
brave comment, man. I totally hear you. My advice would be to find someone safe in your life with whom you can have a close and stable friendship, preferably a parent figure from church or the like. I find that once you find close parent figures who are trustworthy, you start to realize that relationships aren’t as scary as we’ve come to think they are growing up. I’m assuming your parents’ relationship is/was probably pretty unstable?
Ladies, if you want a man to “grow up”, please, please don’t tell him to do so expecting him to change. Why?
This condition comes from fear in relationships from our childhood. People in our lives either were unstable in many ways or abandoned us completely. For you to say “grow up” tells us, once again, that someone with whom we want to have a relationship (aka, share our deepest needs, and in turn care for your needs) is about to bail on us.
As you’ve come to find, there are needs that you just can’t meet, and that’s scary for both of us.
In a situation like this, if you really care for the guy, find a stable older person in your life who would be willing to invest in him. You may have to put things on hold for awhile relationship-wise. But once the investment starts, you’ll see an incredible change because he is having his needs for a stable parent figure met. You won’t have to be his mother!
At the same time, you might think to ask yourself why you were attracted to someone who could be unstable in this manner, and see what needs you are seeking to have fulfilled; then find a way to have stability in your own life.
If we’re on each others’ side, this will be a whole lot smoother of a process
much love!
This is definitely the hardest to deal with from a woman’s perspective. The unknown behind what’s going on is so hard to deal with. But eventually, you realize if a guy is too much of a baby (I use much stronger, more colorful words in ‘real’ life) to be able to own and express their feelings, no matter how scary they are, then you are waaaayy better without them. Take the time, work thru the initial pain, and wait for a real man. It will be worth it when you are with someone who can respect themselves and you enough to say “I’m scared” or this is happening too fast….or going too well… I’m worried I’m not good enough for you, etc.
Honesty is one of the most attractive, and sadly rare, qualities in a man. Grow up and have some guts! And then call me. Haha.
Don’t extend your phone contract.
Yes I have…and it was not until reading this article,that I knew the term for this condition. To be honest I feel sad for these kinds of men…for they miss out on the blessing of love.
Wow. This is so true. I just got out of a 6th relationship with a man who was “separated”, but somehow could never move forward with a divorce because he wanted to be absolutely sure. I finally broke it off when it became too emotionally abusive. Then, amazingly, the very next guy I met tried this shit with me. As soon as I called him on it, he, of course, denied it and said he was never coming onto me, and it was all in my head.
Why are so many guys out there so insecure and emotionally unavailable? And, yes, to all those guys; just be honest with us and with your feelings, and talk to us, and we’ll be good. But quit treating us like we are stupid.
Because we men have been brainwashed by society and Hollywood. We might be 6/10s but we all wanted 10/10 women. We want the women that don’t exist. Perhaps our intellectual and emotional needs are met but when we go out in public we behave like a kid in a candy store. We feel that almost all of the women we see are hotter than the one we are with. If you love her enough then it won’t matter but if you don’t then we are in the shit and it’s best to end the relationship if we feel that way.
I am one of those hot and cold guys, I never used to be. I used to wish I had a “hot” girl when I was in varsity. I saw the “bad” boys with the prettiest girls and grew to hate them asking myself why they were so lucky but they are assholes…
It’s rare to find a woman with brains, looks and personality, the same goes for men. That’s life and it’s something men must realize, but how do we know that she is the one you are meant to be with?
Hi there,
sorry for the pun with the name and that I have to break it to you, but the One is also an idea from fairy tales and Hollywood. And maybe your own perfectionist/fear from being underrated based on your partner’s qualities trait. Fairy tales are really nice and some action movies make me energetic for and hour or so. But they are as real as you think a could can be tangible and have the feel of a cotton ball.
I believe that harmonious, peaceful people build a relationship either consciously or uncosciously just with a blessed nature. They just want to live in their own relationship and make it work instead of looking outwards. They work with what they have and try to bring the best out of it instead of longing for nonexistent ideals. I believe there are more potential Ones we could bring a relationship with. Just finding one such person is enough without further testing
Yes, you are right, there are always handsome other ones (I am a woman). Maybe not “more” handsome just differently handsome. Or just strikingly attractive as they have the novelty feeling attached to them. Well, one takes a look, has a hormone rise and that night the couple may have a little hotter exercise… Others decide to quit and look for another one. Others decide to cheat for years. It depends on what you were grown up to be / build yourself to be like.
IMHO you started to see the light w Hollywood’s effect.
If you are not mature enough to watch a movie with special (makeup) effects without comparing the protagonist lady’s to your partner’s looks, you need to stop bothering real flesh and blood women.
A shortcut would be that you get rich and go to fashion shows try get to know them or if you are not rich you may work on becoming a makeup artist to be near those ladies.
And then maybe you would realise that they also have good and bad days, sometimes looking totally rundown, or that their having to look superb and perform all the time commands them to be less compatible in other type of lifestyles.
Or you may decide to throw your TV out (I don’t have one for 4 years now – I realised I don’t need one after a move to my new apartment when I kept forgetting to buy a new one). I do watch movies but I am a realist.
I never met one person I could think was perfect. I am also not perfect. I loved them with their “mistakes” and vica versa.
Perfect person does not exist just superficial look on that person’s life
My aunt said when I was a kid that people who are envious of others do not see the full package. Then they would not be envious.
Obviously there are showstopper mistakes. Or things that are not compatible. For example, I never see aggressive, rude, or materialistic men attractive. I try to imagine the guy having hairs sticking out of his nose, growing all gray, moving slower with arthritis, etc and I check if I could still enjoy my time with him and I would still want to spend my time with him.
Chemistry type of love is one thing and if you are lucky it stays (I know many people like that – my father is one – so don’t believe that it must go away as scientists say), and in other cases it does cease in some years. I want a guy who is still a potential partner without the chemistry feeling. I try to look years ahead and blind to the looks as much as possible when choosing a partner. It is not a perfect process but it helps me. and maybe also those who are just not built hormonally to feel strong chemistry with anyone.
Good luck,
one of the many potential Ones
Where’s your confidence? You sound like an intelligent, got it together, kind of guy. Then you get all self depracating and blame the “bad boys”.
Bad Boys get dates because they tell women what they want to hear. They are all about the women being beautiful and would be honored if she would accompany him somewhere. They smile and are alarmingly sweet. They show true interest…even if it is wolf in sheeps clothing.
Now…varsity means “jock” . A true athlete has it all over every kind of guy if he isn’t all ego…I guess the point is Love yourself, everything about you has to be accepted..then you can truly be interested in another.
If you show interest…real interest in a woman..no matter how hot she is, she will be yours. And yes there will always be someone prettier, sexier, thinner..because we end up taking our partner for granted. Dont’ do that and you will have a wonderful romance.
Ps. the “someone prettier and sexier” comment goes both ways. No one is young and sexy forever…acceptance and committment is an act of maturity.
There isn’t any “magical” one and relationships don’t come in pre-formed packages. They are kits that you build with. Some people are easier and more fun and more compatible to be your partner in building a life. That’s your job. A therapist can help you realize how you are sabotaging yourself. Being in a healthy relationship adds health and wealth and love to your life. Your fears of “but wait! I could have a better toy!” — are holding you back
Thanks for the lengthy reply.
Reading it I felt a bit claustrophobic, especially when you mentioned that the chemistry can fade and then you are basically in a long term committed friendship. I dread that the most. I also dread one day not feeling physically attracted to her anymore and just having sex for the sake of it or not having sex at all and start opening pandoras box.
I feel that I am continually searching and am never satisfied. At first I might be really happy to have met her but eventually it fades and I begin wishing she was as hot as the girl that just walked past me… Then I become depressed and feel like I want to push her away.
Also I don’t feel the need to spend all of my time with someone. I feel like I need to connect now and then with a woman and enjoy the company. If I spend too much time with someone I become agitated and want to get out and away. I’m perfectly happy with meeting new women and having time when I want to do the things I enjoy (selfish activities that involve only one person). That shouldn’t be right, so I feel then that I havnt found the right person who would make me feel otherwise…
All of you are correct though. I have low self esteem even though people tell me im cute or good looking. I have sabotaged myself many times and doubted myself and made up excuses not to talk to the girl in the bar. Even if there wasn’t someone behind me id make up an excuse that maybe she’s squint or just being nasty. I have also been exposing myself to avenues I would have cringed to 10 years ago. My young self would be flabogasted. I’ve found comfort in bad habits and im afraid it’s possibly replacing my need for a relationship or partner. I think this might also be applicable to many other guys who just want sex all the time.
I have thought about going to therapy a few times and inquired about it, but I didn’t see a point in it since the therapist would not know what I’m going through as they havnt experienced anything similar nor do I want some global case study model to be moulded and applied to my situation. It kinda feels like going to a bad job counsellor in high school who basically let’s you fill in what you think you want to do.
I think this is a great article and I am currently is this type of situation and it Drives me crazy until I realized I had 2 walk away instead of trying 2 fix the problem. Thanks for bring this to light.
I also have been involved with a man who runs hot and cold. We will be together every day for months and then very suddenly for no apparant reason he wopuld just disappear. Leaving me feel confused and disrespected. Months later we would run into eachother at a social event and he would talk to me as if nothing negative had happened between us. Then he would start calling. I would ignore his calls at first but would eventually answer and as time passed we found ourselves back in a relationship with one another. A few months would pass by and poof… he would disappear. I started dating other men and would run into the hot and cold guy while on dates with these other men. Then the phone calls would begin again and I would eventually answer because I thought maybe he had realized he had made a mistake by dismissing me. Needless to say the old pattern emerged and he disappeared again. I am grateful for this article because it made me realize that he’s just not emotionally mature enough for a relationship. I deserve much better than this! I won’t be answering his phone calls again.
Its so ironic cause the guy I really wanted to talk 2 treated me the same way…right stand your ground…..u r truly worth more than that…. My problem was always giving him second chances but you can not come back when ever you feel like it and expect me to welcome you back with open arms
… Stay strong the right one you will be blessed with soon…!!!
WOW this totally hit the nail on the head. I’m not in a relationship but have been seeing a guy that does this crap to me ALL the time. Are there any good ones left out there??
Wow this is really crazy…. But I’m I’m sure that there r still some good one left… We just must be patient n wait he will come around…
Wow, this completely explains my old boyfriend! He was a nice guy and I believe he wasn’t a mean Hot n’ Cold guy. He was wonderful when we first got together, but after a while he really became disinterested YET still initiating the major stepping stones in the relationship. I was so confused when he broke it off. All for the best, I think now.
I’m in the exact same situation and I’ve been reading every article I can find on this subject because I’m so confused and it hurts so much!! I went on vacation and met a man who seemed to fall head over heels for me the moment he met me. In fact, that’s what he told me. We spent every day of my vacation together, and when I returned home he spoken to me via phone & texting EVERYDAY for 3 months. There were two times when he suddenly seemed to get tired of talking to me everyday and would take a weeklong break from talking to me, but then he would resume a week or so later. Two months ago we had an argument…our first one ever really. I said some mean things to him that I shouldnt have, and he stopped speaking to me again. Except this time he hasn’t come back around. I’ve apologized several times to him because I DO regret what I said, but he still won’t speak to me. I’m confused because the very last thing he said to me that day was that I would always be a dear friend to him who he hopes to know for a long time. Now there has been a change of events. I am now moving to his area to attend school full-time. He knows this because I told him. What’s going to happen when we run into each other?? I honestly have no idea if he never wants to speak to me ever again or if he just wants some space for awhile. He’s a very kind, laid-back person who hates drama, so why won’t he just accept my apology and allow us to be friends? Also, I have asked him several times to be blunt and tell me if he never wants to hear from me ever again. I told him I would quietly delete his number without a fuss if that is his wish. No response. What kind of guy can’t tell a woman to buzz off if he’s mad at her and never wants to see her again??? I’ve never met a man who COULDN’T tell a girl to lose his number if he was done with her! I just want to make amends and just be friends, but I have no idea what’s going through his head. I’m almost afraid to bump into him in person again now. :-/
Sounds like he’s already deleted yours. Cut the drama and move on!
Jourdan,
He has told you to buzz off by not responding. You want to hear it with your ears, but you hear it loudly by his actions too. Delete his number and don’t contact him again. I know it’s hard and it hurts, but like a bandaid – just rip it off and be done with it. What you are doing will hurt more and longer than acknowledging what he is saying to you.
Good luck Precious!
Jourdan, I am in a similar situation. He tells me he wants us to be close, he suggests I have a key to his place, he even commented on moving us away from where we live to start fresh away from all the drama he has in his life (work and ex). Yet, out of the blue, just as we got more emotionally close- poof- he grows distant. The texts stop. The calls end. The in person chats become less personal. Then the cycle repeats. Its painful and yet I still hold on. I feel I love him and that we are kindred spirits but I don’t deserve the emotional drain this hot-cold cycle puts me through. This has been going on for more than a year now. When you find your answer- please share it. If I find one- I will share mine too:) Know that you are not alone…
Honestly, how’s he going to handle this when I move to his area and he sees me at the beach all the time talking to other guys and having fun? He’s a lifeguard at the beach, so he’ll be stuck there near me whenever I go. I wonder if he will ignore me in person or try to approach me again like a typical guy? If he feels awkward and uncomfortable when I’m there, then too f–king bad, because I haven’t done anything wrong and he’s the one who is too much of a p-ssy to state his wishes and feelings. What a baby!! So much for us being “dear friends”, as he put it!!
Yikes! In my experience, men especially don’t like confrontation. In addition, its not easy for anyone to tell another person they don’t like them. Do you really want those words to come out of his mouth? His actions are speaking loud and clear.
Jourdan, I agree with Roxanne and Sandra… he has shown you he is not interested by his actions. I was in a similar situation with someone for over a year and a half. We would talk everyday via text or phone for months… then he would disappear only to reappear later. Recently, I gave him an ultimatum, either date me or just be friends. I was tired of never knowing where I stood with him. He apparently couldn’t make a decision and was angry with me that I asked him to. Haven’t heard from him in 2 months and he never responded to a text or email message I sent. Despite all his intentions to “always be friends.” I’ve moved on! He obviously is not a guy that I can depend on to be there when I need someone, and overall can’t meet any of my emotional needs because I think he has his own that he is dealing with. It was such a good feeling to just let him go! I do miss him and think he has many great qualities, but I think his indecisiveness consistently sabotages relationships for him. And he’s not the right “one” for me.
As for when you move near your previous guy, I would suggest finding another beach to go to, or go to another section of beach that is away from his life guard post. I think it may feed his ego otherwise because he might perceive your actions of talking to other guys in front of him as trying to make him jealous. And I would definitely NEVER contact him again. I’m not saying ignore him if you bump into him, be polite. But I would say hi, bye, and keep on walking. It is clearly his loss and you deserve better!
)
Am I the only one who is incredibly embarassed for falling victim to this? Ugh…I’d kick myself if I could.
Forunately, I walked away a couple of months ago and have ignored all of his attempts at communication. It’s wonderful having my dignity back.
I just got out of a relationship with a guy that is hot and cold and I did tell him that he’s not ready for a committed relationship. but to read it in this article, was a confidence booster because i thought i was doing something wrong but everything in this article was exactly what i was dealing with. i did try to break up before and he did turn on the “hot” to get me back and once he did, he was cold again. i finally had enough and cut him loose. thanks for the article. i know i can do better and there’s plenty of great guys out there. for the guys that admit that they’re hot and cold and want to change, i think therapy would help and learning how to communicate with your partner is a great start.
Im extremely happy this was up today. I ve been dealing with this “hot and cold” nature for the last 6 months with a guy. We’re fine one second and the next he is completely a different person. Although i gave into the trap and let him know on a few occasions it had bothered me the way he was treating me. He i could tell got en ego off the situation. We would stop talking for a few weeks and then he would somehow in-invertadly get ahold of me and i just let it go. He would act extremely sweet and didnt have a problem with kissing my Be-hind. Then, as soon as i would start to get sweet back within enough time it would end up right back into him being rude and short with me. I think i want to end and cut the ties on my own terms and leave it at that!
Wow, what a bitter and terrible article. It sounds like someone got badly hurt by this and is venting that any guy that isn’t able to commit on your time frame is an awful person. Yes, be careful of the PLAYERS, and some guys are afraid to commit, but did you ever think that maybe a guy seems cold to you because he is comfortable with you and what you deem to be a bad change in his attitude/behavior is actually a good thing? Sometimes women get so freaked out because a guy isn’t hot all the time. We have emotions too and just like women are on and off, we too ebb and flow within a relationship. My advice, if you think a guy is this type of person, step back, evaluate the situation and your own expectations, then get some outside advice from a close friend that you can trust. If he is truly exhibiting this awful behavior, then cut him lose and don’t look back.
Being hot in the relationship isn’t what you are thinking, Tony. Being cold is having fear of commitment. Many men suffer from narcissism which prevents them from having a truly loving relationship. As soon as love rears its head they head out. It really is very sad because everyone deserves love. It is low self esteem at its ugliest. Just ended a four year relationship like this. On and off again. It is challenging to leave when you feel you are in love with someone. Tell yourself that a hot cold guy cannot love. And you deserve real love. We all do.
Sofia, you nailed it: Narcissism is the root cause. They haven’t grown up because of it, they live for the chase because of it and they get involved with someone before they are ready because of it. Their self loathing stunts emotional growth and makes them a bottomless pit of neediness. No one can help them but themselves.
They will use,manipulate and can fool anyone in their life-even their therapist because unfortunately they tend to be the highly intelligent, charming and creative men. When someone strong holds the mirror to them they run.
The author states exactly what is meant by being hot in the second paragraph – it’s the pursuit, and being cold is not always a fear of commitment. sometimes it is a fear of being with the wrong person and you are just not the right person. continuing to pursue someone who they know is not right for them is not healthy either but u let him do it for 4 years. Yes, we all have a need to be loved. But you can’t truly be loved if you don’t love yourself. If you have been in this relationship for 4 years, than i would say that you hale low self esteem for allowing it to continue. You let your emotions run your decision making instead of using your brain. At your deepest level you allow this man back into your life because of your own need to be loved no matter how badly you are treated. It’s not all your fault, but it’s not all his fault either.
Tony is right. This is bitter and terrible. Men must pull back because they are discouraged from having strong emotions early in life so they are less able to express them so they withdraw to get control. They will continue to withdraw until they find a woman with whom they feel safe dealing with these emotions instead of being punished by the womans insecurity.
The minute he is cold you know you are provoking strong emotions he is trying to get a handle on. Freak out and make him feel wrong and everything will stall right there. The emotional immaturity of a woman who thinks everyone should understand and cater to her emotions is the road block. When you ask a deliberate safe question like “I am confused and concerned about this situation can you explain to me what is happening from your perspective?” And not be afraid of the answer…you might learn something about yourself.
When you say, I felt hurt when you did such and such…again…they are feeling wrong about their strong feelings so wrong that they can not process and express what happened.They are overwhelmed by their impact on you and receive yet again the message that the only one allowed to have strong feelings here is you. Let me know how that works for you.
tony,
if this article is so terrible how come there are so many women (including me) that this has happened to? I think this is more to do with fear of commitment, need for control and just plain immaturity rather than mood swings.
mainly because of low self esteem. i say mainly because it is NEVER a one way street. Many many women do not have the healthy self esteem to walk away form these men with out looking back. If the guy is a hot cold jerk, then why do you want to be with him. i know its easier said then done, but you must look at why you are going back to some one like this. fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice…shame on ME!!!
you are assuming or expecting for men to act and think the same way that women do. Men are hunters by design and women by design, are nurturers. This is a good thing when both are emotionally healthy, however, few in this messed up society are healthy, men and women alike.
This happens to so many women because low self esteem in women is running rampant in our culture, and men in our culture are CONSTANTLY bombarded from all sides that we should always be looking for something better. Pay attention to all of the media; TV, movies, radio, billboards, magazines, etc. etc. telling men to never be satisfied. it is sad, but true. Our current condition is a product of our sickly culture’s morals and values.
This article is terrible, IMO, because it puts all the blame on men. When I read it, I heard “It’s not your fault ladies, men are just stupid little boys who are too afraid to grow up”. that is SOMETIMES the case, but most often not. Its far easier to just blame men and ignore the fact that men would almost never do this if you ladies didn’t let them do it to you. take an honest look at yourselves and see how you are contributing to the problem. If you can honestly say that you are not, then i say dump him IMMEDIATELY, and never talk to him again. If your not contributing to the problem, you WILL, no matter how hard, be able to do it.
Hey, Tony. I didn’t read bitterness here. If a person gets close and then emotionally withdrawn on a regular basis, it’s very difficult to form a connection. Every time the connection gets broken, it hurts a wee bit more, and is a little more difficult to repair. Is it really worth sticking with a person who does this on a regular basis? I would think not. Its either not a good match emotionally if that behaviour is present, or the person (I know its not just a male behaviour) needs to work on their own stability before forming a good relationship.
i agree with you on all counts. its not just a man problem. it is DEFINITELY NOT worth sticking with a person like this. This type of person, IMO is not a good match for anyone and needs to take a hard look at themselves to see why they are repeating the same behavior. But sometimes, men also pull back because they just don’t like you enough not to. that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or not worth being loved, etc. etc., maybe you’re just not right together. i dont believe in a ONE right person but I think there are only about 5-10% of people who would truly be excellent together. that means 90-95% of the rest of the people are either less then perfect together or not right together, or some percentage in between.
Thanks for the article. I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a man such as described – except worse. This is after two horrible marriages. He came in and told me exactly what I wanted to hear to fall for him and then the nightmare began. I was lied to and manipulated endlessly. I am a confident & intelligent woman in my 40′s so I should have known better, right? The way he did it shows me he knew exactly what he was doing and has done it many times before.
thank you for this! it’s so true. I was dating this guy within the last 6 months. He pursued me for 3 months before that but I ignored it just in case I was getting mixed signals. Watch out for those that layout the charm thick and smooth. Anyway, I’m glad I ended it. It’s a New Year!
I know exactly how you feel girls. I was in a very similiar situation too. I thought the whole time it was my fault for his hot and cold behavior but after reading this article and reading the comments what everyone on here wrote I see I had nothing to do with him behaving the way he did. After a while it got annoying and it just confused the heck out of me. I think he was just stringing me along and did not know what he wanted. At least I had the balls to tell him how I felt. He didn’t he wasn’t a man enough to tell me ” Hey I think..or I don’t know or I guess I’m not ready or I’m scared. Just anything. This dude biggest problem was when things were going fine he would make a excuse to say I don’t see a future with us but of course hell try to contact me again in a few days or weeks. What a idiot! Seriously guys like that needs to grow up and get theraphy. Obv they don’t know how to handle a real woman who isn’t afraid to express our feelings. I’ll laugh if he tries to contact me again.
This article, along with all these responses, has been such an eye opener and it could not possibly have come a better time. I finally feel like I might actually start to be moving on after reading this. I’ve been tearing myself up over this stupid guy i’ve been casually seeing for almost 5 months now. It started out really well. Then all of the sudden he started to lose interest, saying it wasn’t a good time for either of us. I had just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious anyway, but I was very confused. Then things kind of started back up again, but now I practically never hear from him in between seeing him. I don’t want a relationship at the moment and I’m aware he doesn’t want one either, but what he does is incredibly confusing. And I’m fine with it being casual, however when he’s not around me… it’s pretty much like I don’t even exist. Then when we do see each other, he lays out the charm REAL well, and lo and behold, I fall for it every single time. I’ve been constantly lying to myself, convicing myself that he means well and is probably just confused, but now I realize I just do it do make myself feel better about the situation. And while I CAN see that underneath all of the bullshit there is a good person, it does not justify the way he treats me.
I’ve expressed to him before that it bothers me that I practically never hear from him. At first he gave me the most ridiculous excuses such as “I don’t even call my mom!” Wow. Then as I explained how hurtful it is, he agreed that I was right.. but has anything changed since then? Nope. The worst part of all of this is that he’s 43 years old and still acts like a child. I guess some men never grow up.
Wow, You sound like you are talking about the EXACT same guy I have been seeing for years! His name isn’t Chris is it? lol
Thank you for your post made me wake up. At least I know I am not alone.
Good luck to both of us!
Nope no Chris here
Good to know i’m not alone too! Funny how many there are of these types out there…
I too have just ended a relationship with a commitment phobia man that I was friends for 13+ yrs with and after him pursuing me for the past 6 yrs we became more then friends or shall I now say friends with benefits. This man is 59 and I am 55. When I asked him if he is ready to offer me a committed relationship, he told me that he has a lot on his plate. He has always had lots on his plate and if now preparing for retirement. He told me that expectations go both ways. Yet, the terms of this relationship have been his way only. I have ended this relationship 2 other times only to have him contact me about business or friends coming to town and then we somehow ended back up where he wanted me….like a toy on the shelf where he picks me up when he has a need only to put me back on the shelf when he gets what he wants which is an ego massage and I truly believe he liked the conquest and once conquered, he blew cold air and distance hismself. Now he did tell me his divorce 14 yrs ago really made him feel like he failed, but why does he think he can project that onto me when his investment into me was very little and on his terms. I told him that I will not be sexual with him because I am not in agreement with giving him this part of a committed relationship without giving me a commitement. I was not looking for marriage any time soon, yet did have that in my mind in the future for which he said after he retired. This was emotional abusive and misleading to me to have me as his ego booster and give him myself in a loving way. I felt used. This man has many women friends for which i dont have an issue with, yet he never brings me around them and I told him I have an issue that you dont call me your girlfriend. To me that was part of the commitment I had issues with. I never called him or went to his home unless invited. He pretty much lived a bachlor lifestyle came and went as he pleased. The real deal breaker was when I gave him a beautiful cashmere sweater for Christmas he turned around and told me he was going to get me a few books. I am not into material things, but books, I told him to save his money because I will buy the books I want to read. I was looking for something more personal, perfume, jewelry….he also constantly told me he was taking me on a mini vacation….well I have heard about this mini vacation for a yr. This man now suffers from migraine headaches and I felt sorry for him, but 1 week ago when I left this man I thought, bad things happen to those that do bad onto others. I realize my part in this by getting what you allow and I have to take responsibility for accepting the crumbs instead of the loaf. Also, it takes more courage to open your heart and love and even more courage to walk away from something that doesnt work for you. Ladies and men there is a wonderful e-book called,” Emotionally unavailable men and the fallack girl. Really opened my eyes! Good read!
Happy New year to all of you and Good luck!
Reply
This is exactly what I’ve needed to hear!!!!! I’ve long suspected I was being used as an “ego boost” to a ‘friend’. We’re not even dating. Not sleeping together either,… anymore. I did put an end to that a while ago. We are neighbors so he’s constantly on top of what I’m up to, & who’s visiting. Every time I try to date someone he gets so jealous! But he & I can’t even be in the same vehicle & say, actually go somewhere, even as friends, he gets all freaked out! My best explanation is it’s like he’s constantly afraid I’m going to ask him to move in or something heavy & outrageous. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been given the role of “plan b wife” and he’s gotta keep me around until he’s not only ready to settle down, but realizes he can’t find anyone else. And the thing is, I never call him, visit him, etc. But he’s always coming to my place (unannounced), calling, & texting. So f@$ked up. I just wish he’d leave me alone.
Sweetheart, it’s time to move! It’s so much harder to get over someone when you see them constantly, & it’s so hard on your self-esteem to feel like the “back-up”‘
& once you move, change your phone #!
If you really want him to leave you alone, then stop interacting with him!!! No one is forcing you to talk to him, let alone ever go anywhere with him, even if it is just “as friends!”
This is an outstanding article and I just had a conversation with my hot and cold guy during my lunch break today so this is like a revelation. It’s been hot and cold for a year and a half and since he didn’t invite me to any holiday functions and never has with his family, I decided that I would not go into 2012 dealing with the roller coaster and the emotion frenzie his actions cause me, so I broke it off and just like the article said, he has now decided to pursue because he didn’t like me taking control of the situation. I realize he is stringing me along, but he is definitely unable to emotionally commit. When I sent his sister a message she gave me insight that her grandfather died at thirty-three years of age and ironically so did their father, so her brother does not want to commit or have children. Everything usually stems from some deep rooted issue that some men are not willing to discuss.
Kudos to the author. I myself just got rid of a hot n cold guy, for the second time! Agai st the advice of friends n family, i have thGreat, very true and inciteful article! I just wish I had read this years ago.
First, this behaviour is known to both genders. Also, if you hang on to these relationships, or find yourself in them repeatedly, then why is this happening? From my studies and experience (woman in 40s), it’s always been best to look within at the choices being made in all relationships, and realize that behaviours and situations like this are completely out of your control; if you’re conscious and clear in your perceptions, just move on, unless you are looking to save someone. There are many issues to consider -attachment disorders, personality disorders -and if treatable, it’s a long hard road to the other side, if there is one; and is it the long hard road that is the attraction? and back to why?
I think some women just have low self esteem, and are glad for any positive attention. Maybe it’s also a bonding thing? For example, going through a hard problem with someone is a strong way to bond. Maybe for some women, a guy treating them well, but then badly, and fighting to win his attention again, creates the illusion of a bond, and so makes him seem more important. I don’t know. But even though I have over a decade ’till 40, I see both women going through this, and men like this, both much younger and much older!
I have a rather unique situation… I’ve been seeing a hot/cold guy for about 3 months now, and while he doesn’t disappear on me, we definitely have days that we can’t get enough of each other and days that we barely talk. The unique part is that I’m a hot/cold girl too. I have no issue with not being in a committed relationship right now, but I know I do want one eventually. I just don’t know when. Should I stick with this guy and hope then when I’m ready to settle down he will be ready too? We get along amazingly and I would hate to lose him as part of my life.
Brenna – I think the article is more geared toward women who are in relationships with men who treat them really well and then treat them badly.
In a regular relationship, even a more casual one, its common for two people to not talk for a few days and then be close all over again. I dont think there is anything wrong with this.
I have been seeing someone for almost a year and he has an overly busy work schedule. Sometimes weeks will go by with no contact, but he’s always good to me. There is nothing I can do to change this, but I like having him in my life. He might even be taking a new job so he will be around more. I like my space, so it works for me to not have someone around all the time.
If your guy treats you well and has explained his situation – and if he says its just a timing issue – that’s different than if he acts turned off by you, gets rude and then disappears.
I also want to add that if a guy is ambivalent about being with you, rather than you enjoy each other and just don’t want a commitment right now, thats different as well. You might however, ask him if he is interested in something possibly down the road when the time is right, so you can be sure to keep your heart in the right place.
I put up with someone not sure if he wanted to be with me for almost two years. He was completely in love with me, then he would snap about something stupid and want to break up.
In the end, I had to stop seeing him because the ambivalence and cruelty were killing me. My self esteem had gone to an all time low and it took over a year to build myself back up. It was so crazy that I am still not sure who broke up with who.
If you are OK with your situation and the guy is good to you – then enjoy yourself!
I’m in this situation too.
Is it possible that he’s just someone who has a need a couple times a week for some personal time? I know many people (including myself) who love to be with their partner and other people, but also are recovering introverts and find it imperative to spend a day or two alone to reflect and refuel.
Wow! I’ve been putting up with this for over a year now. And have ended 3 1+ month relationships with wonderful guys because “he” would pop up again and I’d think maybe this time he’ll realize how amazing I am. I can’t stop! It’s fun and he’s great when we’re together and then poof. No phone calls afterwards. This is the first time I’ve ever encountered this type of guy and each time I hope he will “grow up”. I guess I need to just let him go because something tells me I won’t be able to move on from this one. Very frustrating, but great article!
While its certainly true that many men run hot and cold, its also true of alot of women, who like to play games etc, often men who are behaving that way do so because they have come to believe that its the best way to deal with women, since many women run hot and cold as well.
or just run.
I have been in a couple of these relationships and in the end I leave them. Thanks to this article I now know there wasn’t anything I could have done differently. Wow, that’s very powerful to know. Makes relationships a whole lot easier to navigate.
I just broke up with the same Mr. hot n cold for the gazillionth time tonight. It’s true, there is no changing them no matter how much patience and love you have for him, he has to grow up on his own. I think my big problem is that I have been an enabler to him, and had hope for a long time that “my love could fix him.” Couldn’t be further from the truth. Time to move on, heal so that i’m available for a good healthy relationship.
I too have just ended a relationship with a commitment phobia man that I was friends for 13+ yrs with and after him pursuing me for the past 6 yrs we became more then friends or shall I now say friends with benefits. This man is 59 and I am 55. When I asked him if he is ready to offer me a committed relationship, he told me that he has a lot on his plate. He has always had lots on his plate and if now preparing for retirement. He told me that expectations go both ways. Yet, the terms of this relationship have been his way only. I have ended this relationship 2 other times only to have him contact me about business or friends coming to town and then we somehow ended back up where he wanted me….like a toy on the shelf where he picks me up when he has a need only to put me back on the shelf when he gets what he wants which is an ego massage and I truly believe he liked the conquest and once conquered, he blew cold air and distance hismself. Now he did tell me his divorce 14 yrs ago really made him feel like he failed, but why does he think he can project that onto me when his investment into me was very little and on his terms. I told him that I will not be sexual with him because I am not in agreement with giving him this part of a committed relationship without giving me a commitement. I was not looking for marriage any time soon, yet did have that in my mind in the future for which he said after he retired. This was emotional abusive and misleading to me to have me as his ego booster and give him myself in a loving way. I felt used. This man has many women friends for which i dont have an issue with, yet he never brings me around them and I told him I have an issue that you dont call me your girlfriend. To me that was part of the commitment I had issues with. I never called him or went to his home unless invited. He pretty much lived a bachlor lifestyle came and went as he pleased. The real deal breaker was when I gave him a beautiful cashmere sweater for Christmas he turned around and told me he was going to get me a few books. I am not into material things, but books, I told him to save his money because I will buy the books I want to read. I was looking for something more personal, perfume, jewelry….he also constantly told me he was taking me on a mini vacation….well I have heard about this mini vacation for a yr. This man now suffers from migraine headaches and I felt sorry for him, but 1 week ago when I left this man I thought, bad things happen to those that do bad onto others. I realize my part in this by getting what you allow and I have to take responsibility for accepting the crumbs instead of the loaf. Also, it takes more courage to open your heart and love and even more courage to walk away from something that doesnt work for you. Ladies and men there is a wonderful e-book called,” Emotionally unavailable men and the fallack girl. Really opened my eyes! Good read!
Happy New year to all of you and Good luck!
Hi Jeri.
I was in a similar situation. I am 61 years old and he is 65 years old. I finally moved on after 9 years of abused, emotionally, etc. with low self esteem.
I feel ashamed that I probably have everyone beat, because I let this type of relationship go on for nine years! About three weeks ago he finally showed me his true colors…I didn’t realize who he was. I was devastated to find out that I was just a toy, since I was very much in love with him, and he knew it and used it against me. The funny part is that when it was over and I’d cried myself to sleep, in the morning I finally felt free! It was like I was being held hostage all those years, a weight was lifted and I see the world differently, ladies please stay clear of these BOYS, and guys if you’re doing this, get help you’re hurting someone.
Yes, this is a classic committment phobic person and my last boyfriend was this way…things would be going along great and then he would shut down and start asking stupid questions like, “Do you think we are meant to be together”…ugh! It got so exhausting, that I just sent him packing, which of course made him want me again. Even in the break up, after he has dumped his latest victim, he starts calling me again..I just don’t answer the calls anymore. I love myself too much to put up with this come here, go away game. The best book that I have read about this type of person is, Men who Can’t Love – I swear, it will change you life if you are enduring this type of relationship with someone. Get out while you can, it saves alot of years of pain! Best of luck…
Wow! All goes to prove that we are from Mars. The first lesson every woman should learn about relationships is that both sexes do not react in similar ways, there is no full proff guide to love. While it is quite easy for most women to settle in now, but change him later, most men want what they want and perhaps – never want her to change. Unfortunately, we never change, but you ladies do. The emotional, social and financial burden thrust upon us is just to enormous to risk committing to the wrong one. Its just a vicious circle. Eventually, when the time is right, when one has “played” enough you tend to know better, enough to recognize her when you see her.
Oh, boy. I have been with far too many of these men. They drive me crazy. Just broke up with one a couple of days ago, and it feels really good. I was so tired of it. When I called him on his behavior, he hung up on me. Apparently, having someone point out his flaws is too much to face. It’s too bad because he’s a great guy without that HUGE flaw.
Hate to state the obvious, but HE IS NOT A GREAT GUY if he treats you like crap, hangs up on you, and can’t or won’t face his own issues!!! The biggest problem I see with all of these comments is so many of you women who repeatedly go back to these men don’t take the time to ask yourself why you keep going back. the truth no matter how hard to accept is that you let them do this to you. I’m not saying ti is OK for a guy to act this way – It’s not, but if you keep going back and falling for this bad behavior why would he want to change. My advice to you ladies is take some to be alone, free of any relationship and get yourself emotionally healthy, then you’ll be able to spot and avoid these men.
Men can get really excited about a new relationship fast and make all kinds of enthusiastic commitments. Then the novelty wears off and everyday reality takes hold. Women, on the other hand, are more cautious and slower to commit, but when they do it is 100%, and the up and downs or ‘imperfections’ of their partner in a long-term relationship are just part of the deal.
Not sure if this is relevant!
I very much appreciate this article. I just had an 18 month relationship with such a man.
I’m 43 and suffered an unwanted divorced after 20 years of “happy” marriage. (My ex had 5 affairs & abandoned me and our 5 sons; 2 grown & 3 I’m still raising.)
This man is 39, never been married, has always lived at home, no kids, but considers his ex-girlfriend’s daughter as his own, and now her 2 grandsons as his own grandsons.
Although he and his ex-GF (they never married) ended their relationship over 8 years ago, they remained civil enough that he goes to her home to visit with the grandsons on a weekly basis. He also accompanied his EX to take the grandsons here and there. She is psycho (and I’m not joking–keys cars & pours paint on cars of other women he’s dated, sent threatening letters to his parents at his home, called his work and threatened to have him fired, etc.) and uses the grandsons as a tool in her toolbox to keep him coming around. He doesn’t enjoy being around her, calls her horrible names like “the devil”, yet he does whatever it takes to keep her happy. He knows she can make it to where he can’t see those little boys–and she knows it too. She keeps the noose tight around his neck and a firm grip on his “leash.” It sickens me the way she treats him and talks AT him like he’s dirt under her feet. He adores those little boys, can’t say no to them, but it was virtually never a problem or issue between him and I. I’m incredibly understanding, however, hindsight is 20/20 and I can now see where the grandsons ALWAYS took priority over me in every single instance.
We started as friends and our friendship blossomed into a wonderful relationship full of laughter, joy, flirting, romance, and never-ending smiles. The kind that men & women search their whole lives for. Never once did we ever have any sort of argument or disagreement. No issues were ever forced and we could talk to each other about everything. We had a very open, pressure-free relationship. His parents & family love me, and I adore them. I had never fallen in love with anyone, not even my ex-husband, but I did with this man. VERY deeply.
Then 5 months ago something happened to cause him to withdraw. He wouldn’t respond to any texts, never called. At the end of 1 month, I decided to just stop texting. If he didn’t want to see me anymore, there was nothing I could do. He would comment on my status updates that said, “I miss you.” and sent me comment e-cards for my birthday that read, “I love you.” It absolutely tore my heart out. I wanted to scream! But I just kept silent. I cried all the time and ended up in a deep depression for over 2 1/2 months, even made myself physically ill. I had dreams of him every single night and would wake up crying only to cry myself back to sleep. I’ve never dreamed like that before, but this whole ordeal weighed so heavily upon my heart and mind. I remember waking up one night and shouted, “God, this has got to stop!”
After almost 3 months of trying analyze what happened, I decided I couldn’t continue like this, that it wasn’t me. I’m fairly pretty, intelligent, confident, well-spoken, friendly, giving, funny, sexy, I can talk to anyone about any topic on any level, I have a good head on my shoulders, I’m grounded, I take care of myself, I don’t judge people, and I’m not vain or stuck-up. I’m far from perfect, but I certainly never deserve to be treated the way he treated me; the way he’s still treating me. I am what he’s been looking for his whole life, yet, he doesn’t seem to want the treasure he once held. Of course I’ve asked without nagging, but he won’t discuss it. Even his parents are upset with how he’s done me, bless their hearts. His mother recently took me to lunch and said she is worried about him. Told me she told him, “We’re not going to be around forever, then what are you going to do? You better let somebody love you.”
I just started to get my head on straight and start moving forward; it was then that he started texting & calling once again. Figures. It’s still not to the extreme that it once was and he still won’t discuss what happened. He still feels comfortable telling me things that I know he won’t talk to anyone else about. He’s still very attracted to me, and we still laugh, but I can’t let my broken heart be crushed by him anymore. I’m still friendly, but I won’t give myself to him like I once did. Without some sort of explanation as to what happened, some honest communication, and time for me to be reassured, I just can’t pick up where we left off and pretend the last 5 months of pain & heartache I’ve gone through never happened. I am not just some fling. I won’t be some man’s toy to play with and then put back on a shelf until he’s ready to play again. I did that for over 20 years with my ex. I need to know and deserve better than that.
He called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and then again to wish me a Merry Christmas. Two weeks ago, I asked him if he didn’t want to see me anymore. Told him to just be honest with me & that I’m a big girl and can handle it. He responded, “I didn’t say that. I’ll see you again.” I’m not holding my breath.
I still miss him every day, and not a day passes that I don’t shed a few tears for him. It’s hard to stop loving someone when your heart still does. I will probably always love him, but if there are two things I’ve learned they are: You can’t MAKE someone love you and you can’t MAKE someone stay. They have to choose to do both all on their own.
And yet you women fall for the hot-cold man, while the guy who might care or you consistently is lonely because he’s short, bald, nerdy, …
You reap what you sow while the handicapped remain downtrodden!
Handicap men find love. Short men find love. Bald men find love. Nerdy guys find Love.
I see it all the time. I know people who fit those categories who have been quite satisfied in their marriage with people who fit those categories. Not all men are self centered, as well as not all women are self centered.
We live in a User Mentality Society. Our relationships with one another have become unto ” Fast Food ” choices. The picture looks good, but the Food tastes like the cardboard box it sat in. We want it Now Gratification, and want to put very little into ourselves in order to get ALL we Desire.
I love the article, and I recommend for anyone entering into a relationship to do their own research… we are to be Gentle as Doves, but Wise as a Serpent. Do not crave Love which would only bring upon you Abuse. You do not need that kind of attention, no matter how starved for Love you are.
Hate to say this, but this is not the men’s fault, it is your own. Men are a- holes, and that is a fact, but they can only get away with this behavior if you let them. The truth is, women thrive on this sort of rejection. Most women are in a desperate search to win the love and approval of their distant and/or abusive fathers. So, they search out a man who is equally distant and/or abusive, and they try to change him. Spoiler alert; it doesn’t work. And as often as women chase these “bad boys”, they will also reject someone who treats them with respect. Why? Because you subconsciously seek out a man who is exactly like your father, and if your father treated you you poorly, you will think someone who is good to you is weak and pathetic.
I am not attempting to paint everyone with the same brush, but I have dated enough of these women to recognize the behavior. After a string of women with father issues, I finally found a great, well-adjusted women who had a loving father. Our relationship is wonderful, and all of the games I endured in the past are no longer an issue.
Well said and i agree for the most part. there are some men who do this knowingly or unknowingly because they do indeed have commitment issues, usually stemming from a bad relationship with mom or a significant female in their past.
Take responsibility for the role you play in these relationships. If you’re boy/girlfriend is running hot and cold, decide if you’re willing to deal with it or move on. If you allow someone to run in and out of your life don’t waste time trying to figure out why they’re behaving that way; spend that energy on understanding why you’re allowing yourself to be their jumping rope. In the end, you’re the only part of the equation that you can control.
Timely article for me. Just broke off a relationship with a widower…talk about hot and cold…a user from the get go. But…I realized early enough and am not that upset. Gals…learn to recognize this early before your emotions take over…guys…get therapy…grow up and understand that you WILL be alone someday and will regret your behavior. Gals are recognizing this more and more.
I dont understand how guys can be this way, especially the thrill of the hunt style or enjoy the pain caused style. I havent had many relationships, but I have seen girls I was attracted to and interested in with guys like this especially back when I was in high school. It is always painful to watch someone I care about flip and flop in agony yet there is nothing I can seem to do its almost like women like to be in this situation over the guy they talk to daily about the situation.
Wow, hasn’t this become another sexist war… there are bad men, and yes, there still are some good men… same goes for the ladies. I’ve seen women who act this way as well, and the advice given in this article should also be applicable in their cases. Lots of beautiful women like to abuse their “power” as well.
I think this article is helpful in some situations, but certainly doesn’t cover all the bases. In my experience, some men are merely uncomfortable with confrontation and drama and will therefore not always share what’s really going on because they don’t want to be hurtful (even though it can be more hurtful at times). It’s easier to disappear. I was dating a hot and cold man a few years ago (Houdini himself), and he turned out to be the absolute love of my life. We’re happily married now and look back at those hot and cold days with some humor. From what I’ve figured out, he was afraid when things felt “too right.” He was divorced and was also afraid to move on for his young daughter’s sake – thinking that there might still be a chance to work things out with his ex-wife (not that he wanted to be with his ex, but was feeling the pain of his 6 year old daughter who didn’t want her parents to be divorced). So he was working through a lot of issues he wasn’t sharing with me fully. Relationships can be very complicated, and while I had determined at the time that he must be a “player” I was also confused when my heart felt that he was the one. I threw myself into dating again (immediately), made sure he knew about it, reminded him that since we shared so many interests we’d probably see each other around town, and then he suddenly came to his senses. He certainly didn’t want to see me on someone else’s arm, so he came back around and committed. Who could have guessed what all was going on behind the scenes? If you’re with a hot and cold man, be careful, don’t let it drag on for long, but also have a little hope and be open enough to realize it might work out. There are just too many variables for one article to spell it out for everyone.
I recently dated a man like this. He did this twice. His behavior was confusing, hurtful and flat out a deal breaker. I haven’t talked to him since. Good Riddance!
Exactly. Mine went on for 18 months. Really hot in bed though. Fell in love. Constantly texting when we first met. No phone calls ever followed by a period of exactly 2 weeks of total ignoring. Jealous tendancies. Mixed messages. Non commuted rela. Threatening to cut me loose a lot. Ended by him asking me if I wanted to marry him, then breaking up next morning with me. He just wanted to see if I wanted marriage.
I was with a man like this for 7 years the last two years we were broken up but we were trying to work it out. Then he met a woman 17 years younger than him who knew he was a womanizer who didn’t want to commit. He said she was just a friend, but she set out to win him. She told him that he could sleep with other women if he told her, of course I would never go for that arrangement.
Long story short, he did just that he slept with other women, but turns out she didn’t like it and changed her arrangement. He was blowing very cold with me but told me he loved me. He would push to find out how I felt about him and tell me that I must be so hooked on him; it must be so painful loving him the way I do. etc, etc., that I wouldn’t be able to stay away from him even though he was now in love with the other girl.
That was enough for me. I called her to tell her that he and I were still seeing each other cause it was time for him to deal with his issues with her and not with me. He’s a journalist in town and used to lots of attention. I just thought he was so arrogant.
I think I might have you all beat! I get first class marks as an idiot. My fiance took me emotionally, mentally, financially and I even gave up my rights to my son to be with him all due to his false promises. We were deeply in love as far as I knew but he took a job elsewhere and I was to join him in a month once he found a place for us to live. We had the marriage, babies and home planned out. Then one day I got drunk due to the loneliness. Called to say I miss him. He breaks it off with an “email” of all things. I lost everything and was left abandoned and penniless. A few days later we are back together but he says he’s confused and no longer wants the same things I do..this goes on back and forth for nearly 2months!! Till finally I end the torture. He would say he loved me one day and then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. I had enough!
So glad I read this. I have some questions and need some advice. These hot and cold guys you ladies posted about were any of these guys from on Eharmony? Did they email you or do guided communication first? Just curious. Also to the guy who posted that he wanted the hot girl in High School and was jealous of the bad guys getting the hot chicks – how old are you? Not a judgment, just curious.
I just started dating someone from Eharmony. I’m suspecting he was one of those guys who yearned for the hot chick in high school but never got her. He’s pursuing me hard. I was not initially physically attracted to him, but I told myself that I would give him a chance and not be shallow about it and now I am starting to like him . If one of those not noticed guys in high school is hot for you early on is that an indication that he might be a hot/cold guy later on?
I really don’t have time for this stuff anymore. I just want to be with a nice guy who is going to treat me right. I honestly don’t care that much about looks anymore. But if this pattern is indicative of the less attractive guys, maybe I should date guys who are more attractive.
Jennifer, trust me on this, don’t worry so much. Just take the time you need to really get to know the person you’re dating before committing.
I had a relationship with a hot/cold guy, and it only got messy because I jumped into the relationship before getting to know him better. The passion was so great I didn’t see the red flags, or should I say I ignored them. The first six months were amazing! Then we shacked up and everything went downhill from there. He could go weeks without showing ANY affection, and all of a sudden he’d be the guy I fell in love with, only to leave me undesired and unwanted all over again after getting what he wanted. He liked the chase, and quickly got bored once he had me. He had a lot of issues with abandonment due to his childhood, and trying to communicate with him on a deep level was next to impossible because he was afraid of vulnerability. When people suffered traumatic events they tend to develop protective mechanisms, and his was to distance himself emotionally and obvious narcissism. So there are ways to tell if your relationships will turn out healthy or not, you just have to take your time and don’t disregard the red flags.
Also, since you’re wondering if this is a pattern in less attractive guys… I’d have to disagree. For one he was VERY attractive, and I have to admit that the best, most nurturing relationships I’ve had were with less attractive men. The trick is to find an emotionally healthy man. If you need advice I suggest to look up drlaura dot com. She really puts things in perspective.
All the best!
Attractive or not has little or nothing to do with it. I would recommend EXTREME caution, if you’re not sure about him then don’t sleep with him because that will seriously cloud your judgement. His hot early on pursuit is not a definite indication of his future pursuit but I would guarantee that it WILL taper off at some point. If you buy a new car or new house or new dress or whatever, you’re excited about it at first and want to show it off…hey wanna take my new car for a spin? 6 months later its just another car in the garage or dress in your wardrobe. I know it sounds oversimplified but that is human nature. We tend to get very excited about new things especially if it’s something that we are really wanting or hoping for. As time goes on, that excitement changes to something else. Sometimes that’s good and sometimes that’s bad. If you truly want a nice guy then he must prove it over some time without you being emotionally invested in him to the point where you can’t get out. I personally don’t think any man who would totally ignore any woman he is dating for any length of time to be worth sticking with. If he is a nice guy, he will care about your feelings and will let you know. But, it might take a little coaxing. play it safe if you’re not sure. I wish you the best of luck.
Ladies, what comes around goes around.
These players, hot/colders, guys who treat women badly, will eventually get whats coming to them. I firmly believe that. Regardless of their reason. You can’t mistreat people and not pay for it in some way down the line. They’ll either end up 60 year old bar flys or with wives who cheat on them or whatever else.
So chin up ladies. You do the right thing, pray, and the right one will come along. And maybe pray for these guys too – sounds like they need it.
I think there are so many variables, aside from just simply “he has issues” (although there are plenty out there who do). Timing can be one major issue. I just pulled out from dating a man who is going through a divorce because he was a bit too hot/cold for my taste. In this situation I don’t harbor much resentment because I knew the risks. Try and figure out who this guy is based on his history, current events, etc before giving your heart away. If still side blinded, kudos for maintaining your dignity by walking away once you do realize it’s a hopeless situation. And remember…there’s another man around every corner
This article was obviously written by a woman. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything so one-sided before in my life. It’s very obvious that the author has dated a guy who was seeing multiple women at one time. She either did not like that the guy was dating multiple women, or the man was not truthful with her about his relationships. How about the women who run hot and cold? I didn’t just take a psychology class in college, I have several degrees in cognitive science. By nature, women tend to run more “hot and cold” than men do. This whole article may be based on a misconception. I could be wrong, but I stand by my initial comment that this post is definitely one-sided.
If we’re supposed to judge the value of all those psych degrees of yours from what you write here, then with all your “women do it too” defensiveness, which doesn’t even really address the article at all since it’s about MEN’S behavior … then all I can say is I can’t help but wonder what was actually learned …
GREAT ARTICLE EXPLAINS MY EX TO A TEE.I REALLY RESENTS HIM FOR THIS NOW AND BETTER NOT EVER CALL OR TEXT ME AGAIN THAT O.D.B.
I’m a ‘victim’ of having an open & hopeful heart to someone who is afraid to let go & take a risk because of fears from past relationships (for over a year now). I know where I stand & only give so much of myself. We have a relationship that is suspended ‘in between’..I know it will end, because everything has to move forward. Its hard though because I do care greatly for him (yes, I will say love) and its going to hurt to say Goodbye..but trying to hold onto what we have hurts even more because its constantly clouding my mind & tearing at my heart..
Adrianna,
I am sorry to hear that you feel this way – I do have to say that you are the only person that allows you to be a “victim”. Be strong , make a choice, and remember that for every ounce of investment in this person is time and energy that is wasted from meeting and seeking the “right” match for you …keep meeting / dating until you find it isn’t “work, worrying about what they think or what they will do or if they are available…”
Okay so afte rreading this blog and all of the opinions here , there are at times great moments of insight but what we are actually describing is adult attachment ( both from the female and the male perspective) . There is a great book called “Attached” author Levine ( think you can get it on Abe books.com for cheap ) which describes the “withdrawal” of teh hot/cold guy following a deepening in the relationship – This DOESN’T need to be fixed ! There just needs to be the right match,mutual awareness of attachment styles! So while most people don’t wish to rehash old realtionships – sometimes it hurts- it is to everyones benefit to do so as each partner gets insight into attachment style of the other person and can determiine earlier on whether it is worthwhile to fully invest emotionally or not ….
Great article… related to Borderline Personality Disorder… and this affects both men and women. (see gettinbetter.com)
Great article. I’ve dealt with guys like that and it drove me crazy and question myself. They can’t be pleased, which makes me think they are not too happy with themselves.
Some men(and woman,too)who run hot and cold may be suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder,known as ADD or ADHD(Hyperactivity).
This brain malfunction symptoms includes being hot and cold, as it is difficult to concentrate, and unable to make and keep friendships and other relationships. It is treatable illness. I know this all too well because I suffer with it. Anyone whom you’re dating behaves as hot and cold should see a physician or psychiatrist if he or she is not already doing so. Having ADD/ADHD doesn’t make them a bad person. Those who are afficted with it need some special understanding.
I like Ray’s comment, you are right on.
Ray, ADD/ADHD is neither a brain malfunction NOR AN ILLNESS. I can’t believe any reputable professional would tell you that it is either of those things. ADD/ADHD are in effect nonmainstream distributions of focus and concentration, and the person with this BRAIN TYPE – because that is what it is, just like hair color or blood type – can focus and pay attention at times even better and longer than those with other brain types. It is just a very concentrated energy and needs replenishing. But ADD/ADHD are NOT illnesses.
Or maybe he is an undiagnosed Bipolar II
Sugar and spice and all things nice. That is what little girls are made of ; )
Could there be a deeper disorder here? Perhaps a Sociopath? This article seems like a “normal” way of describing some of the descriptions I’ve read……I think there should be warning tips to identify dangerous people on-line.
I agree with Cheryl. There’s only one human being that I ever saw behave this way and that person said his own family members called him a sociopath.
Anyone who gets off on playing with your heart like a cat toys with a mouse before killing it is completely devoid of empathy.
Just to play devil’s advocate, Mars/Venus book describes the rubberband affect that many men go through in the beginning stages, especially if things are moving fast….where men pull away. And Dr Grey says that if you let them go they will spring back with stronger emotions. I don’t think he’s advising it acceptable for a men to pull away for a long stretch, and recognizes how hard it is to let go without panicking. It’s just another variable, and certainly does not excuse some of these horror stories with men doing this for months and even years!
I was just in one of these relationships – and well – I’m a big girl – I knew what I was getting myself into – I don’t blame him – I don’t think it is fair to call men like this names – It is up to us as women to decide if how we want to be treated and who we want to date. If you are dating someone who isn’t giving you what you need than it is up to you to communicate what you need and if you don’t get it well …. leave.
I am old enough to know that It is not my role to try and change anyone.
I observed all of the red flags in the beginning – and chose to date him anyway – because – like most men who fit this description – he was funny,interesting and intelligent – there was nothing hum drum about the 4 months that I was with him – and I was left guessing most of the time as to whether I would see him the following week.
Problem is I started to fall for this man and as soon as i realized he wasn’t on the same page – I did myself a favour and backed out – because no one is responsible for my welfare other than me
So don’t be haters of these men – choose to spend time with them or not …. and take it for what it is worth ….
Follow your intuition – if you are in a relationship or are dating a man who runs hot and cold – you will know early on – just never assume you are the one who will change him. Have fun … continue to live a full life and keep your options open …..
I TO JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT I GOT NOTHING IN RETURN. AFFECTION ON HIS TERMS ONLY. HE WAS ALWAYS RIGHT. HE WAS VERY COLD MOST OF THE TIME. IM THINKING OF HIM AS MAYBE BI POLOR OR WORSE. HE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO KEEP A GIRL. HE HAS A TEMPER AND VERY MOODY. I SAW THE RED FLAGS AS WELL. BUT THOUGHT I REALLY CARED FOR HIM. HE TREATED OTHER PEOPLE BETTER THAN ME AND PUT UP A GOOD FRONT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE BUT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IT WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
I’m happy to hear you are no longer in that relationship
It’s hard – but you will turn a corner and start to feel better soon – The positive is that you know the signs – you know how you want and need to be treated by your partner and there will be no ‘next time’ for this kind of man in your life
I love this….so perfectly said Holly!
Holly, I think we were dating the same guy! LOL So well stated, you hit the nail on the head! It is our choice to stick around and deal with the hot and cold behavior of men.
Holly,
You’re brave to admit all of those things, and I have been in the same situation as well–both unwittingly and then by choice, knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere, even thought I may slide back into the old thinking of ‘if I do ________, he will love me’, (albeit a temporary lapse of judgement at my age).
I like your take on the fact that a woman has to take her life choices into her own hands, and own up to her decisions, including dating a player–it’s fun for a while, but they’re not going to change for you, no matter how much you hope they will.
I just ended a 4 month relationship with a man that was so hot and cold it was ridiculous and found myself powerless to say no to him. Our last date there was a shift the only way I can describe this shift is that BOTH of us not just ME but both of us shared a closer level on emotional intimacy than we had shared before. Although we had agreed to a sexually exclusive relationship I didn’t feel as though I had a “boyfriend” but after this date I definately assumed that I did. It’s been almost a month since I’ve seen or heard from him. It was making me feel very insecure and I decided for ME that this wasn’t working and have ended it. But he was so far in to hiding that he wouldn’t pick up the phone so I had to TEXT him the break up which felt just ridiculous. I felt myself definately falling in love with him. I actually feel sad for him because I know he wants a life partner but he just doesn’t know how to get past that panic point he experienced. If he had figured out I wasn’t the one I would have preferred being spoken to instead of completely DITCHED. It was very hurtful and if he does contact me again the only reason I will meet with him is to say what I wish I could have said in person about how unfair and hurtful his behavior was… Unfourtunately men like this are also inconsiderate and cowardly. I understand why though, I mean come on! Who wants to have a conversation in which a woman is telling you how much you’ve hurt her. But in his defense he did treat me like a PRINCESS when we were together. I’ll miss that guy!
Diana: Did this man happen to be named Quentin?
Or was his name Bruce. I spent 8 months with the same guy as u describe
Hi- some help please, I need some perspective after the falling out with my guy last night. Its been close to a year. He came on wonderfully the first month and I wasnt as into him as he me- but his calling and texting all the time made me fall for him as he was more into me and communicative than anyone ever before! My first warning signs though were that he was the only guy I ever dated that never planned a date/booked dinner and when we did want to do something fun it always had to be where he wanted to go- and he’d often say no to any/all my suggestions because ‘it isnt somewhere he wants to eat or he wants to go’ nevermind my interests I guess?! At the same time though he brought me to family functions within the first 30 days too- and around his friends which I thought a good sign. When we had the ‘talk’ a couple months in he said he hasnt had a relationship in 8 years and he likely will never want to marry again. This is the same mantra today… but as of Sept he refuses to even be exclusive. I was about to move on with someone else last month when he announced he was hurt and was having me to his family holidays etc so how could i date others… so I allowed myself to take him back. within the last couple of weeks he now says ‘he doesnt want to lead me on and maybe we should just be friends’!? new years eve he went to a party without me and refused to even spend part of the night with me and then last night when we were out with his friends/family he got mad at me and made me take a cab home!? all because i commented to him that I’d like it if he and i could make the rounds to chat with people a couple times as opposed to him passing me off on people and running around alone. i guess this is an infuriating situation so much so that instead of saying yeah sure- he says ‘i am not going to hang out with just you and ignore everyone’. when we fought he said i could find a ride home : ( We havent talked since and I am wondering if I should move on now- its just sad as we really do connect /mesh well. I hate to lose that as it is very rare for me to find. I have to date like 10-20 men to find 1 like that! At the same time- doesnt this show he is very cruel and selfish and likely will not change?
JANET!!PLEASE PLEASE take my advice, run for your life! This guy is bad bad news, I dated a guy like that and I was too dumb to get it.
Don’t waste years of your life like I did on this guy YOU CAN DO MUCH BETTER!!He is immature and a narcissist that wants you only when it suits him. He knows exactly what he is doing.Don’t even bother breaking up with him believe me it wont be pleasant, he will try and convince you to stay everything will be great until the next weird thing he does.
Janet,
Do yourself a huge favor…..let him go. You deserve to be treated well all the time, not just some of the time.
Thank you so much- I really appreciate the support guys! I am so sad. I dont have many friends and plus I am sure they are tired of hearing of his drama so I don’t want to go to them again. And you are right- I have been sad and mad on and off for a lot of the past year due to his hot/cold nature… why do I want that to continue? I will try and stay strong and move on asap- I am SO tired though. I was married once and had about 5 loves in my life and I am in my late 30s so I am really about to lose it… I want one real love forever SO BAD and it feels like it will never happen. It is so hard to keep looking/dating. I feel hopeless,
Hi Janet. I feel your pain. I don’t have a lot of friends either and only had co-workers to talk to when I was going through a rough time several years ago over a narcissitic person. Buy a blank journal or diary book and write how you are feeling in it. Write what you would say to someone if you were talking about the situation. It is very therapeutic. When you read back at a later date how you were feeling it will make you feel better and stronger. It helped me a lot. I still have the journal. Hang in there and don’t give up hope. I tend to do that too. We deserve to have someone special in our lives. Keep in mind the wonderful person you are inside and never lose sight of that. The journal will help get you through the rough spots. When I was driving everyone crazy and didn’t have anyone to pour my pain into it helped me so much to write it. I hope you will be ok and that things will get better in your future.
You can’t make someone love you for you to love yourself. It sounds as if you are looking for someone to complete you. You should rather be out and about enjoying yourself fully. Get involved in your community, sign up for a fun class, travel, cut your hair, etc. Focus on you and your fabulousness, surround yourself with great supportive people, and love will come your way. This guy is a jerk and will not change – no matter how hard you may try to understand or change him. Never let someone love you less than you love yourself.
Janet you are so cute, I totally feel you. You are not alone. I’m the same age range w/not many friends and I feel that I have alot to offer. I’m a successful, educated and considered not by me but by others an attractive woman with close family ties a person who is a catch. But for some reason men are IDIOTS and dont know how to value a woman. Look hes not worth it, move on, I would rather die alone than w/someone who doesnt value me.
I was married to this guy for 18 years (but women can show the same traits). I almost broke up with him right before he proposed…I know he sensed it coming and he didn’t reaaaally want to be alone so he finally proposed. Then I went through it over and over for years. I would get fed up and pull away, he would want to get close again. When I finally, after 15 years, gave up emotionally, THEN he wanted to go to counseling and change. After I decided it was over, I saw the marriage counselor on my own one time and he said my ex will never change. He will repeat the pattern in future relationships. Read “Emotional Unavailablility” by Bryn Collins if your SO makes you think YOU are the crazy one. If you are in one of these relationships, close the door on him/her and put on the deadbolt! Don’t lose 20 years of your life like I did.
On some level, I can connect to many of these stories. I was married to a man that I suspect has a psychopathic personality. I spent 22 years of my life trying to figure out how to make him love me. He never will, he can’t. If you find someone like any of these stories, run as fast as you can. Go to groups for women and you will find that these guys prey on women they see are vulnerable to their emotional torture. If you don’t feel he is there, it is because he isn’t. Go with your gut….
Janet,
I personally can connect to your story and only wish that I could have walked away from my situation before dedicating 8 years (which were my prime twenties by the way) to my ex. The hard part was def trying to figure out why things had changed from the beginning when he was loving and affectionate…..beating myself up about what I could have possibly done wrong and how to get us (really him) back to the good ‘ole days. When I would try and talk to him about things that bothered he always flipped it and made himself the victim of the situation. So many things about our relationship were wrong, but I continued to believe that if he loved me it had to turn around at some point…..how wrong I was!
I learned my lesson a long time ago. So the last hot and cold lying son of a “B” I made him think he was my world, like he had me just like they like to do. Ha! I beat him at his game ladies. Left him high and dry. His pathetic brain will never be over the mystery of just what I did to him. I bet he still tells his buddy’s I was all about him. Ha ha ha!!!! Best game I ever won. They don’t deserve your pity, they don’t deserve your love, they don’t deserve your time. If one really won’t leave you alone figure him out and squish his brain
like a bug. It was the best thing I ever did!
Janet, I can commiserate with you. I, too, am in my late 30′s, and have been through a divorce and two unhealthy relationships. I’ve been dating a married man for over a year who is separated but simply won’t follow through on his divorce. He’s also moved 500 miles away since we met, so we were rarely seeing each other in person. He has blown hot and cold since the first few weeks, and broke up with me on a monthly basis (which was when I would press him about when he was divorcing, moving here, etc.) But in between, he’d crawl back and tell me I’m his soul mate, he can’t live without me, dreams of sleeping next to me every night, blah blah blah. I feel like a fool for always taking him back and waiting faithfully for him, and I’ve missed out on several good men since because I keep harboring hopes that things will work out as he promises. I broke it off with him in November because he finally moved back down here but kept blowing me off, and even had the audacity to tell me he “wasn’t ready for as serious a relationship” as I am. This, after he’d talk about being together for the rest of our lives, sharing his grandkids, etc. Now he’s texting and emailing me again and I know I’ll be an idiot again and try again, only to get my heart broken. I started seeing a really wonderful man recently, and I’m going to lose him if I go back to the married guy. I just don’t seem to be able to feel anything for anyone but him. I’ve been reading a book called, “Baggage Reclaim: Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.” I highly recommend it to any woman in our situation. It’s scary how perfectly the author (Natalie Lue) describes each person’s role. She believes that emotionally unavailable women choose men who are the same because, while we THINK we want a committed relationship, we actually fear commitment. I think everyone else here has the right idea and you should run far away, because while it’s painful now, it’ll save you years of heartache.. I wish you luck.
Lisa and Theresa
Please know that your advice is golden to me so if you can impact just one person, right? I will read the 2 books suggested as well.
I am so sorry for you as well… and the others who wasted years
You are right too- the first month was so amazing as he sent nice notes or texts everyday about how he felt and I was used to men never expressing themselves… I thought I finally found the holy grail… so again, as you said, when all that stopped it was so hard to pretend it wasn’t real or that he couldnt be that guy again!
I hope you all are happier now whether alone or dating- as we all have learned, it is better to be alone than in bad company.
Jeanette- oh my. I am sorry. That is so hard. I too dated others and was over my guy for a couple months but yet could not get that right connection with anyone else. I hope there is hope for us that we can let go enough to allow someone else in! Be strong and stay with the wonderful guy. I hope the best for you! I am also curious if I am unavailable also the way you say the book laid things out? I often wondered over the years why I was ‘turned off by’ a man that was super nice and way into me… the nice guys so to speak? The loves of my life have been 2 cheaters, 1 married guy, this guy and low and behold the one I was married to- who was kinda ok- very ok compared to the rest! I often regret leaving him! If anyone on here became aware that they sabotaged committments and/or chose unavailable partners please let us know if you ‘fixed yourself’ so that we may take some tips. Therapy is obvious- but in case anyone went to therapy and learned certain tips from it to help here- do tell. And thanks- I will start a journal. You are right- that helps a lot!
Hi,
I met a wonderful man who was seperated for a good period and I was the first woman he met since the break up of his marriage..He was treating me like a princess..cared and loved me and he was making plan for our future…the EX was still around for the kids and never let go of their friendship (she left him)..then, family gathering came and he was with her..reminiscing the past I suppose? then he became hot and cold for a few weeks but in that time was still making plans for our futur..I was giving him the space but I was asking if everything was good between us and I was reassured…then he hit me with the news..he was still in love with her but was attached to me…
he wanted time appart to think and never came back..but I see him again and everyone says they can see and feel the love in his eyes for me…I find it hard to detach myself..this connection was real and compatibilities like that is hard to find these days.
I have put my trust and faith in this relationship..I felt secure and then got burned..It will be hard to be able to open up again…
Janet,
If I can help just one person to not spend their best years on the wrong person, that is great. I met my ex when I was young and didn’t understand how messed up people can be. I am so much wiser now. And remember…he never WAS “that guy”. “That guy” is a mirage. Both books are worth reading and measuring each guy you date against.
It’s a sad thing to say but…but the world web has helped create so many bad relationships for people that might have had a chance to truly work things out. Cheating seems to be a way of life with the availablity for married people to lie..and go on these sites…where single people had hoped to find honesty and maybe a relationship. Many men use them for their “little black book” stinging many women along. Never committing to anyone…always looking over your shoulder to see who is the next one in line. I have tried various dating sites over a period of 5 years now and have found players..and married men lieing. I am so tired of being heart broken over these people…I am an attractive looking 55 year old woman, can easily pass for being in my early 40′s…and it seems like most have an agenda for only one thing…how to get you in bed. Trying to date men in this age group is rediculous…most of them are in some midlife crisis…and want all the younger women. I hold out hope to find a really nice guy…but so many are into these head games…you trust them..they suck you into their world of manipulation..then leave you for the next one. What ever happend to men with honor, integrity…and a few old fashioned values? They went out with the ability to throw it away with the internet. Thinking OOhh it can’t hurt just to take a look…all the chat rooms…and the fantasy of who this person really is…there are even sites for married people that want to cheat…so what does that say about integrity? I have hoped to find love for so long…and even done this site once…but the costs have gotten tremendous…and still had no luck. Through it all I have been afraid to trust anyone when you do meet them…and it makes me feel bad to think that way…but when you get burned by these immature men over and over…you have to wonder where the sincere ones are.
I also when though a relationship. It was a guy I have liked since high school and I always though he was to good for me during that time.
Anyway I’m in my early fifty’s and I was married for 20 years. He came into my life 30 years later and swept me off my feet. With flowers, words, actions. In my marriage I have lost all closeness and we became friends and I never got the attention I needed. So when he treated me so nice I feel deeply. But it didn’t last more than 3 months. I got a email (btw that’s the Coward way out) saying I’m really care for you but I need some time to myself, it’s not you it’s me. etc.. I was SO HURT! It was not easy but I got stronger after a few months. But he came into my life again, I took him back and we decided to be “FRIEND WITH BENEFITS” ha ha I tried, but I was feeling used, well guess what ! He texted me this time and said I’m sorry I really care for you but I’ve been dating someone. Take my advice don’t do the friend with benefits, unless you don’t plan on falling and you are ok with it. I fell again and hurt again. it’s over and he will never be in my life like that again. I deserve better. So as someones said on here. Take care of yourself, Never let someone love you less than you love yourself.
I’m getting stronger. good song to listen to is Getting a little bit stronger by Sarah Evens check it out.
Great comments on here!!! The comments I see on eharmony articles always seem so much more sensible than out in the general public/other venues!
How can I make this short….totally reminds me of a relationship last year – about 15 months in duration, mostly on-and-off. Difficult to gauge, in large part, because he was also dealing with very upsetting medical issues. So, I had even more sympathy/empathy for him and forgave his coldness or abruptness, etc. because he was upset and preoccupied trying to figure the medical stuff all out. Boy, and he looked like a Ken doll (well, with a few more wrinkles, in his late 30′s). He never could give me an absolute answer that he didn’t want to be with me ever again, but that he needed time to work on himself and sort out his medical situation, too. How difficult it made it for me to move on – impossible, really, as I hadn’t felt so strongly for someone in 20 years – while he was giving me no “closure.” Well, I had enough of that after a very long while and could see he may be full of dog doo doo. Conclusion – I’m dating someone now, “consistently,” the past two months who doesn’t look like a Ken doll or have the sexual prowess as this guy, but who is truly attentive, loving, caring, available, affectionate, dependable, fun, active, consistently social, easy going, respectful and has a great sense of humor. We just get along. Hey, any doubt – just watch “He’s Just Not That Into You” or read the book. What a great movie on the plane over my Christmas trip. I’ll never waste my time again. A man certainly makes it obvious when he wants you…..not sure why I didn’t learn that with nice guys in my past.
I am also in a similiar situation. I met a man who had just separated from his wife. Apparently the marriage was over for years. I knew it was a mistake to date him so soon but he seemed to have a solid head on his shoulders. I believe we texted and email for a while before we even went on our first date. At first I wasn’t even that attracted to him but something about him just made me want to see him again. Well we began seeing each other for about three months and I began having feelings for him. Well again I knew it was too soon but I told him about my feelings. You would have thought the world stopped. In that instant he actually realized we were in a relationship and he wasn’t ready to be in another because he was still married. He didn’t tell me that then he told me later. He needed “to explore his options.” As much as it hurt I understood where he was coming from. A month past and I didn’t hear from him. He then began a random text here and there. I actually told him if he didn’t want to see me anymore then stop texting me. Somehow it started again. Well it’s been about three weeks. During the entire time that we have been seeing each other neither of us have pulled our dating profiles. This past weekend I could see that he was updating his profile and put new pictures on the site. His dating headline threw me for a loop and just decided then and there that I couldn’t keep doing this to myself and I had to step back. It’s been three days and I haven’t had any contact with him. I do not plan on contacting him. In a way I just wish he doesn’t contact me so I can move past this roller coaster ride. I would have pulled my profile in an instant if he wanted to be exclusive. I believe men and woman get caught up in the online dating and think there could possibly be someone better out there. Oh well whatever will be will be.
You ever notice why it is all girls leaving comments on here? Are we the only ones who worry about such things? I mean 2 guys answered out of all of these comments and I would not rate their responses as being anything enlightening.
Happy to say I walked away from this man recently as well. The stress is coming off and I find myself smiling just knowing after 14 months it is OVER! He was so charming and endearing and then took great joy in the roller coaster ride to Hell at his regular whim and blame it on being a widower or worse–me!
When he came out of the last round of passive aggressive hatefulness he was surprised when he found my calendar was very full. I had enough and filled my schedule with dates as a number of other gentleman have been interested but I was in “love.”
He bragged prior to marriage he spent 20 years going through a number of women each year, getting bored and discarding them. His wife turned over the top obsessively to God, cut him off sexually and filled the house with nearly 100 pictures of herself and everyone but him (he was in only 3 pictures.) That was how she dealt with the abuse and maintained enought control to stay in the marriage.
It felt good to tell him to consider himself discarded and attach the link to this article explaining the solution was to “cut him out of my life completely.” It is a bright new day without Jay!
Liza
P.S. Beware of GentlemanJay54
I’ve been in a relationship with a man about 20 years older than me for almost 2 years. He is separated from his wife and has been since we met. I still don’t really have a full understanding of why he can’t go through with the divorce. She and the kids live in another state. I love this man SO much, and he really does treat me right when we’re together… but sometimes he can be so cold. If something isn’t his idea– then it’s a bad idea. It’s like if I ask for something– (a phone call, skype) ..he lives far away… then it makes him NOT want to do it. I feel like it’s my fault because I care so much and want his affection/attention. He’s going through a hard time right now with his career, so I’m trying to give him the benefit of doubt. Often I feel like the control is in his hands and I really have no say. I feel like I’m being tested and depending on how I respond… then I get attention, or I don’t. I’m always scared to say the wrong thing. He’s also insecure, so if I play too hard to get… well that just backfires. Tonight he even pointed it out to me. “If you haven’t noticed, when you ask me to skype 2 times then I tell you it’s late and I need to go to sleep– for future reference” Why would he say that??? Normally he is so sweet to me, would do anything for me. He has never said anything like that to me for at least the past 6 months- we haven’t really had so much of an argument. If I’m cold, he gets me a blanket. I got lost and he sent me a GPS because he was worried about me!! He’s really funny and caring and wonderful and I just don’t understand.
Dear Ladies,
I feel for all of you that say you have spent time in what YOU considered to be a committed relationship with a man who easily turned from HOT TO COLD.
Not only did I spend time with one, I Married One! And for 14 years, I spent time thinking “If I only loved him more, If I only did more for him, If I was even more understanding” that he would eventually realize what we could have together & he would value me & give me what I needed emotionally. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! HE WAS NOT & IS NOT CAPABLE OF SUSTAINING AN EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP! Don’t kid yourself, you will never have what you need from him. But, if there are children involved, you will not be the only one to suffer. My son is now 26; he’s in rehab for the 3 time for alcoholism/heroine addiction. My daughter is now 23 & was diagnosed at 21 with fibromyalgia. Both, still are unable to have a normal relationship with their father.
YOU may feel like you are completely & totally in love with him, but this will be an ongoing heartbreak in your life, your the rest of your life, if you commit to such a person. YOU CAN’T FIX ANYONE ELSE. Even if he wants a relationship, he won’t be able to SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP. Look elsewhere!
My ex husband went into counseling shortly before our divorce and was told he had abandonment issues due to childhood events which supposedly prevented him from emotionally connecting with me or his children. In the 25 years we were married, my family became victims to him pushing us away emotionally, playing the hot and cold game to his advantage and literally destroying all trust and security we had for him. If he couldn’t win a fight or gain control over an issue, we paid for it with the silent treatment or his emotionally reserved behavior. He would never go back to the same counselor that pointed out his flaws or negative traits. He thrived on attention and would get rather childish when he wasn’t given it. After 32 years my middle child still refuses to spend much time with her father due to the history and the other 2 walk on eggshells whenever around him, trying to keep their father happy.
I eventually met a guy who initially gave me the security and trust I had lacked in my marriage. He was so willing to lavish attention and affection on me that it was a little overwhelming at first. We weren’t just companions…we became best friends. I had finally found someone who was emotionally there….Or at least I thought I had.
6 months into the relationship we expressed our feelings to one another on a Sunday morning at his apartment. I remember him looking at me with such sincerity in his eyes and admitting to being scared. That just made me love him that much more. But from that day on he began distancing himself emotionally as well as physically from me with no explanation why… just feeble excuses as to why he wasn’t as available as he had been. To make a long story short…3 months later, after living with the hot/cold treatment, I broke off all contact with him, and I haven’t heard from him since.
When I first met this guy he told me he had been married and divorced 3 times, all being the wives fault and him leaving them. He admitted to refusing marriage counseling. Although he constantly bragged about how close he was to his children, I found it odd that none of them spent father’s day with him….rather they spent it with other family members. I eventually found out he left his last wife shortly after their first child was born, but came back about a year later. He was raised by his grandparents from age 8 because his mother’s new husband didn’t want to raise him. His biological father disappeared shortly after his birth and didn’t have anything to do with him until he was in his 20′s. His explanation of his grandparents love and effection to him and to each other was “conditional”…. He also admitted to having self esteem issues.
WHY IN THE HECK DIDN’T I SEE THESE WARNING SIGNS WHEN I FIRST MET HIM?????
This guy had worse abandonment issues then my ex husband!!! And all the signs were there!!! I just didn’t see them or was foolish enough to think he had healed from his past.
My life and relationship with him was darn near perfect during those first 6 months, but it suddenly changed when it became more serious. And instead of severing the relationship, he left me waiting, wondering and hoping for another 3 months.
I’m not excusing his behavior, but at least I have a better understanding of him and myself. I was thoroughly convinced it was all my fault as to why he was acting as he was. Those final 3 months showed me his lack of emotional stability and maturity, his inability to be there emotionally for anyone. His emotional issues will always prevent him from having a decent relationship with anyone.
It also taught me ALOT about myself. Some of which I’m alittle concerned about.
Anyway, thanks for allowing me to share.
hmmm.. narcissism at it’s best? I’ve dealt with this type more than I care to admit..
‘Cut him out of your life completely’. Thank u so much for this advice! This is exactly what I need to hear 2 get my life back on track. I’ve been through one emotional roller coaster ride over the past two years and didn’t know what to do. Around the same time I was ‘seeing’ a guy like this my mum died. : – ( He couldn’t care less about what I was going through. He used me and when he got what he wanted he ignored me and treated me so bad but was lovely and charming to everyone else. I didn’t think anyone could be so cruel! I haven’t cut him out of my life yet but I know I need to… It will be hard because there is a history and there have been some really good moments… & some really horrible times! I know ‘cutting him out of my life completely’ is the healthiest thing to do.
These comments are truly empowering. I had a horrible COLD night last night. Last Friday was a HOT night, so I am feeling pretty lonely. Until I read these comments. I woke up and told myself that I am not to blame and I am not alone. Well, maybe I am a little to blame because I was TOO loving, TOO supportive, TOO accepting, and I congratulated all of his BABYsteps. But truly, my man of the past three years is just like all of your husbands and dating fiascos!
He pursued me for 8 months as we were best friends. I loved him back, but I was scared of upsetting a mutual gay friend who was secretly in love with this narcissist. He loved getting our attention and desire. Finally, our gay friend found a boyfriend and stopped obsessing over our guy. We got together, fell in love, bt then after a few months, more RED FLAGS. He still flirted and drank and made little time for me. He started putting me down for putting up with him. He made fun of his friends who were whipped. WOW. He actually LOST respect for me for LOVING him. So why did I love him? He was more beautiful, funny, taller, younger, smarter, weirder, alternative than the men I see in our county. On his hot days, he would make small efforts, what I call crumbs. But I ate those crumbs up hoping it was a sign. Lately, I have started dating nicer, shorter, less handsome, less educated men than him. It sucks to compare, but at least they are treating me how I want to be treated. It is HIS loss. I know. But I am the one who is suffering. I doubt he even notices I am gone. The troubling thing is my need for validation. When I see him at my work talking to a much fatter or uglier girl or dumber, I think why is he doing that?! Last sad note, I do feel like I wasted my three last fertile years with my HOT/ COLD man because we are also in our late thirties. We have kids from previous marriage, but you know we both fantasized about having one more together. I know I dodged a bullet, but I really can’t bare to think of him having a baby with someone else, someone younger, someone he doesn’t love the way he loved me. IT SUCKS!
I am a single mum of two children and I have been through a relationship like this with my daughters father. It was not easy but the decision I made was the best for me and my children. I kicked him out. Even though my feelings for him continued for a while, I made the decision that my happiness and my childrens future were more important than trying to make a guy who you love, see how much he means to you, but doesn’t return that respect to me or the relationship or even to himself.
I am now very happy with my life and am excited where my future is going….for the better. I have learned to respect myself much more by making myself happy and learning why men behave the way they do.
If you are strong woman at the beginning, and you lose yourself within a relationship like this, you will be strong again once you realise your worth.
If not, you will still grow from it when you realise YOU ARE worthy of being happy and treated well WITH respect.
If a man cannot respect you he is not worth your time…. Your time is valuable and you cannot waste more time on someone who cannot see you for who you are and cares about you.
Its very important in the healing process to get as much positive support as possible. I found a very good Dr who helped me to see the situation ( or more reassure me) for what it was. My health was more important than this man. My happiness and future were at stake if I continued with my daughters father. A very difficult decision but it had to be done.
I am 2 and half years into this breakup and even though i have dated and been with some men, for my enjoyment in my freedom, I do still have reservations about men especially when they hook me in.
I have seen a psychologist for anxiety and depression that I have experienced over the many years and she is currently doing a fabulous job in getting me back on track.
I am about to start studying and do what I want to do for my life, reach the goals (new goals) i want to achieve for myself and my children. I am happy were I am. Of course I would love to have someone special in my life but until then I have to keep moving forward.
I want to encourage and support all women out there that have been through so much with men that it leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
Not all men are like that. There are good ones… keep believing in yourself and what you deserve and believe there is someone out there for you who WILL treat you well.
I recently met with a friend from my previous work and I understand fully the situation, he is 20 yrs old, but I still cannot separate myself from feelings that may not be there for him. I let it go….. I flow with it but let it go. As my pychologist says, when we feel we have no control we get anxious. And anxiety leads to more distress.
If he is interested…so be it. He will contact me. But I still have to remember to remain strong and continue with my life and not be distracted by chemicals in my mind playing with me or the men that show interest but lack committment to keep things flowing….
The two important things I have learned is communication and respect. If you dont have those coming from your man then he may not be worth it.
The 20 yr old shows those signs but Im not keeping my hopes up. I have my life and he has his….whatever happens, happens. But I will try my hardest to stay true to myself and what I deserve.
Instead of putting so much energy and focusing so much of your emotions on a man, turn it around to yourself. Love Yourself first. Love Your Life First. Then maybe love will come to you. Super confidence in yourself and knowing that nothing is impossible is the key to happiness. But remember everybody has flaws and its knowing the difference between flaws and the psychology of a narcissistic man.
I no longer will chase a man. Let a man chase you. And don’t let him know your hooked too much or too soon. Let him tell you first.
Women need to learn more about men and be smart about it. Otherwise they will be taken full advantage of and if he loves seeing you hurt, it will not stop. You have to put a stop to the hurting and and start healing yourself for someone who does deserve you and will treat you with the real love and respect you need.
If it doesn’t feel right. It probably isn’t. Trust your instincts.
All the best of love and happiness to you all.