Bottling up your anger or expressing it the wrong way can instantly result in a loss of intimacy in your relationship. Next time you’re inclined to either “tell him off” or “hold it in,” follow these steps and watch how they powerfully bring your man closer.
Just letting out your feelings all over a man by “telling him off” will only push him away. And “stuffing down” your feelings by pretending (to him, or to yourself) that you feel something else will also create distance between you and a man. Here’s why…and what to do instead so you not only say what you really want, but you draw a man closer to you because of it.
HOW HIDING YOUR ANGER CREATES DISTANCE
Our self-esteem depends on how honest we are with ourselves, and the moment we say or do something that is not being true to what’s really going on with us, our self-esteem goes down. And as our self-esteem goes down, we become less attractive. A man is naturally drawn to a woman who is in tune with her feelings and who has both the confidence and the self-love to NOT put up with what doesn’t feel good.
Usually, we bottle up our anger so much that we wind up unleashing it on a man in a way he can’t hear – or we express anger about something completely different than what we’re actually angry about.
If you’ve ever blown up at a man because he didn’t pick up after himself when you were actually craving more romance and attention from him, you know what I mean. You were really feeling angry about feeling unloved, not about his dirty socks.
8 STEPS THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING
So, if we’re feeling hurt, disappointed and angry, how do we “let it out” truthfully in a way that increases his attraction to us and changes whatever is going on that made us angry in the first place?
1. STOP. Interrupt whatever you’re about to do or say – it hasn’t worked before.
2. Sit down. Don’t go somewhere else so he won’t see you.
3. Take a deep breath. Let it out, and then breathe in and out two more times. Imagine the air flowing all the way down your body and relaxing each body part as it touches it.
4. Find the feeling. Let’s say he made plans to do something else when you were hoping for a romantic evening. Know what the feeling is NOT: It’s NOT “I’m so glad you made other plans, because I really wanted to spend the evening alone washing my hair.” You know you feel BAD. You know you feel disappointed and angry.
5.Tell the truth. Without saying the word “you” (which only serves to blame him and make him defensive), say: “I feel bad,” or “I feel disappointed,” or “I feel angry.”
6. Don’t back down. You might feel vulnerable and afraid that you’ve gone too far. You haven’t. If he apologizes, thank him. And then say, “”I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or angry). It makes me feel turned off.”
7. That’s it; you’re done. Listen to what he has to say, but don’t get into a discussion about it. Your goal here was simply to honor your feelings (and therefore yourself) by communicating your feelings to him.
8. Immediately do something that makes you happy. It could be something as small as making yourself a cup of tea or going for a walk. The point is that you are taking care of yourself rather than expecting him to do so, which makes you even more attractive in his eyes.
The next time you feel yourself welling up with anger and unsure about how to handle it, try the steps above. It takes practice to reverse long-standing patterns, but you can do it. Once you do, I know you’ll feel so much better about yourself – and so much more adored by the man in your life. The stronger you feel, the more the anger will dissolve, and you will discover a whole new level of intimacy in your relationship.
To learn more ways to express your feelings in a way that will make a man want to listen to you and come closer to you, subscribe to Rori’s free relationship advice e-newsletter. You’ll learn a simple three-step system you can use in any situation to connect more deeply with your man whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship.