You’ve been dating for weeks, maybe months. In your mind you’re his girlfriend. It certainly feels like you’re his girlfriend. There’s passion, love, fun, and maybe even an occasional “I love you.” But there are little things he does—and what he doesn’t do—that give you a sneaking feeling that you’re not both seeing the relationship in the same way. One-sided decision making, limited communication, and excluding you from his life’s details are different ways to tell if he’s committed or casual. If you’ve been wondering if you two are on the same page, here are 12 tips that can clear things up right away.
1) Have you slipped out of the comfort zone?
You’ve been dating for weeks, maybe months. In your mind you’re his girlfriend. It certainly feels like you’re his girlfriend. There’s passion, love, fun, and maybe even an occasional “I love you.” But there’s a sneaking feeling that you’re not both seeing the relationship in the same way.
2) You’ve never met his friends or family
If you’ve been dating for, say, eight weeks and you’ve never laid eyes on his friends or family, it’s time to start asking questions. Chances are, you aren’t his girlfriend. Sure, we all get busy and sometimes work sends us places where friends and family are scarce. But most likely he’s avoiding this introduction for a reason, and you need to know why.
3) You’re Not His Date to Major Events
What’s a major event? His company holiday party. (“Those things are boring. I don’t want to put you through it.”) A friend’s birthday party. (“There’s going to be so many people you don’t know. I’ll just make an appearance.”) Thanksgiving at his friend’s. (“Joe’s a big drinker. I’ll just eat something and come by your place afterwards.”)
4) You Haven’t Had “The Talk”
Sometimes the loudest thing in the room is what isn’t said. Think about your time together. Have you had the talk about how you both see the relationship and what you want down the road? Have you talked about being exclusive sexually? If the answer is no, and you’ve been dating for some weeks/months, then you’re probably not his girlfriend.
5) He Never Calls on the Weekend
If you’re dating a man who doesn’t see you as his girlfriend, it can be hard for him to prioritize you. He clearly likes being around you, but making time for quality interaction means that weekend calls are probably few and far between. You may get lots of texts, because those can be sent easily no matter what the situation, but real human interaction is tough to spare.
6) You’ve Never Seen His Place
Does he have a load of reasons why you can’t go to his place? “My roommates are pigs.” “I never have time to clean it up.” “Your place is so much nicer. It doesn’t make sense to go to mine.” After some period of time you’ve GOT to see his space. It’s hard to really know a person without seeing where they live, so if he’s giving you the stiff arm about a visit to his home, chances are something’s amiss.
7) You Are Introduced as “My Friend” or Just by Name
It is common and natural to share a person’s connection to you when you introduce them, i.e. “This is my father, Bill.” Some men will try to trot out the old “I’m not into labels” sawhorse, but if he introduces you as “a friend,” that’s exactly what you are. You’re not his girlfriend.
8) Last Minute Changes Throw Him for a Loop
Here’s a great girlfriend litmus test. How does your guy handle last minute schedule changes? If you texted him and said, “Wednesday something has come up. Can we do Friday?”, would the answer typically be no? We’re not suggesting that you test him, but if a legitimate change is needed, consider how he would react. Does he act like a man who is completely booked up and juggling several priorities?
9) You’re Restricted to the Non-Prime Time Date Nights
Often a girlfriend will have a standing date on Friday or Saturday night – maybe both. If you find that your date nights tend to be Sunday through Thursday, and there’s no work schedule driving the choices, you may want to ask some questions. Would a girlfriend never get a Saturday night date?
10) Future Talk Makes Him Squirm
It is rare to find men who love to sit and talk about their relationship, so we’re not suggesting that a real boyfriend will seek out deep relationship talks. But a man who sees you as a temporary fixture in his life will avoid that conversation like the plague.
11) He’s Hot and Cold
Is he hot when he wants to see you and cold when he doesn’t? Are things always on his terms? If you showed up at his work for lunch and said, “Surprise!” would he have a heart attack? All very good signs that you are not his girlfriend.
12) You Get the Late Night, “Hey, are you home?” Text
It can be sexy to get a late night text, but it can also be a harbinger of bad things. If you find that your new Mr. Wonderful has a habit of texting or calling you for a visit mostly when he’s on his way home from someplace else, your girlfriend status is in doubt.