Dr. Wayne Dyer, spiritual teacher, author and internationally renowned lecturer in the field of self-development, has never really applied his uplifting principles to the art of romantic relationships, but he agreed to try just that in this exclusive interview for us.
Dyer is the author of more than 30 books, the most recent Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting, was released earlier this year by Hay House and is available in bookstores and online. But before presenting Dyer’s interview, it is necessary to issue a disclaimer.
At the beginning of our conversation, the Wayne State University graduate with a doctoral degree in Educational Counseling made it clear that one of the first things he learned in life was not to give advice: “Advice is telling somebody what to do. This is my opinion. As far as telling people what to do, I have always believed that everybody has the anchor of the universe located within themselves. They can find their own answers rather than get it from me.” So following, Dyer gave us his opinion on matters of the heart, including how the Power of Intention can work in romance, the mistakes people make in relationships and first-date tips.
eH: What would you say to someone who is single but wanting a relationship and having a rough time finding someone. What is their best course of action?
WD: Whatever it is that I want from a relationship, I would say, “Be that.” If what you are looking for in a relationship with another person is an exquisite sense of love, then be that. Extend that out. I think what I learned from St. Germain when he talked about the miser’s love for gold is that it isn’t from gold that you get love, it is the outpouring of love toward it. It isn’t in a Mercedes that you are going to find great happiness. It is in the feeling that you have about it; the outpouring of love for it. The same is true in a relationship. Somebody else coming into your life isn’t going to give you what you feel is missing. What I would urge you to do is be in a constant state of love for everything and everyone. Put your attention on being that and staying in that incredible state of joy, peace and not thinking that you are incomplete. Somehow people who are searching for something, relationships especially, think that that is going to complete them. If you already feel you are complete, the universe has an incredible way of offering you what it is you are already living. I have often said, “You do not attract into your life what you want. You attract what you are.” If you are coming from a complete state of loving everything and everyone you encounter, you will find people showing up in your life who will want to relate to you in a closer way.
eH: How can the Power of Intention work in romantic relationships or dating life?
WD: Intention is first of all not something that you do. Intention is an energy field from which all things are intended to which all things return. Intention is really the source of all things. So the Power of Intention is really the power of the source, or the power of your highest self — the power of God. In dating and relationships, for me, the greatest intention you can have is…instead of asking: What is in it for me? What can I have? Just extending that love outward, so that the people that I love in my life, even the woman I am in a relationship with, my objective is not to get something from her, but to extend to her and make my focus in life making her as happy as I can possibly make her; helping her fulfill her highest dharma, her purpose in life, just to constantly be in a state of serving. Einstein once said when he was asked about quantum physics, “To me, that is all details.” He said, “The only thing I want to learn is to think like God thinks.” How does the source of all things in the universe think? It doesn’t ask for anything. It doesn’t say, “What is in it for me? How can I have more?” It is just constantly in a state of serving. The mantra of the higher self is: How may I serve? I think it is great advice in life, not just in dating. In dating and in romantic relationships, get your ego out of the way, stop thinking about what is in it for you, stop thinking about how much is coming your way or what is missing from you, and simply say, “How can I make this person’s life as glorious as can be?” This means constantly being in a state of kindness and doing kind things. When you have a choice, always pick kind. Do deliberate loving, kind things continuously. Everybody loves to feel loved that way.
eH: What is one mistake you see many singles make in regards to dating/relationships?
WD: Feeling that somehow they are incomplete if they don’t have it. I believe the same thing that I believe about the recovery movement: It is really about letting go and letting God. Let go of your desire to have somebody there and constantly evaluating your happiness based on whether or not you are with that person. I think also the focus so often is just on what can this person do for me? Whether it is to give me a sense of sexual fulfillment so I can move on to the next, or how good do they make me look? Do I have the right person on my arm? Like arm candy.
eH: How can one go from being single and unhappy to single and happy/fulfilled?
WD: There is such a thing as existential aloneness. The fact is that everybody is single. No matter how great the relationship you are in with somebody else, you are still single. You are still an individualized expression of God. You are going to be single, even if you are married with somebody continuously on your arm every minute of the day. Nobody can get behind somebody else’s eyeballs and become them. Recognize yourself as this individualized expression of God and see yourself, then, as already complete and help other people to feel the same way. If you are single and unhappy, it is because you are feeling as if you are only half a person.
eH: Do you have any first date tips?
WD: It has been so long since I have been on a date. In fact, I don’t think I ever dated in my whole life, yet I am in a divine, beautiful relationship with someone right now. Don’t talk about yourself. Be as inquisitive about the other person as you possibly can. Be as thoughtful and kind as you know how to be. Give them a gift. Catch them doing things right, rather than doing things wrong. It is great parenting advice and it is also great dating advice. Look at the person and see no flaws. See them as perfect, divine creations and treat them that way. The same way you would treat a beautiful tree, or an animal or a sunset. Appreciate them for what they are and ask nothing in return.
eH: One of the toughest question people in new relationships face is, “Should I stay or should I go?” What would you tell a person who is in a new relationship and trying to figure out, “Is this just a growing pain or a fundamental incompatibility?”
WD: I would just say, “Trust your heart.” Staying or going is not relevant, but your heart will tell you exactly what to do. Listen to your heart. Listen to the most inner peaceful voice in you. Whether it says, “This is a place I want to get away from, or someone I want to stay closer to,” you will never be disappointed.
eH: What are some ways a person who is having a hard time believing in manifesting their own happiness in love can gain that understanding?
WD: Getting quiet, meditate, treasure your own magnificence. Recognize that you have, in addition to an ego self and a false self — this body and all of its accomplishments — you also have a higher self. The higher self is the part of you that is connected to God. In fact, your highest self is really God. I am 71 years old and I have been in so many bodies since I was born and I can’t find any of them. I can’t find that 20-year-old body that I was in. But who I am just keeps occupying newer and newer bodies. Trust in the eye that is infinite, that is birthless, that is deathless and that is changeless. Know that you are an absolute miracle. You are a magnificent creation and treasure that.
eH: How can single people who desire a relationship start valuing themselves more?
WD: All you have is yourself. That is all you have in this whole universe. When your eyes are closed and when you die, the whole universe disappears. All you have is how you process this world. That inner part of you that is processing this world that is your highest self. That is the part of you that you have to treasure. You have to go through life reminding yourself how incredibly valuable and important and terrific you are. Then you will never have a question about relationships again. There will be so many people wanting to be in your life.