Today’s guest blog is from licensed psychologist Dr. Sherrie Campbell, who does a brilliant job of explaining why we might miss a former love, even if they were completely toxic for us.
Why do we miss toxic people after we terminate relationships with them? Believe it or not, we miss the noise. These people cause chaos and drama wherever they go and for whomever they are with. That noise takes up a lot of space in our lives overfilling us with too much emotion, too much tension, too much chaos. We begin to experience this as our natural state emotionally and mentally, so when we leave them life becomes extremely quiet. This can be very uncomfortable because we are used to living in the heightened state of fight or flight and unpredictability. As much as we know we should feel relief they are gone, we often feel empty. Here is some help to get you through this period of time:
1. Be Patient
Wait out the adjustment period and love yourself. You really have to love yourself to get anything productively accomplished in your life. Give to yourself what you so desired to give and receive from your crazy-maker partner.
2. Work Through the Confusion
Being happy is unnatural after a breakup with a toxic person. They leave you doubtful of yourself and with all the blame for why the relationship failed. It is not easy to get back to your center, but you can start by forcing your mind to focus on new things. Distract yourself by trying a new activity or hobby. This will force you to be brave and outgoing, which are very good emotions for combating grief. Remind yourself never to let them see you break. They do not deserve that.
3. Find the Silver Linings
Focus on what you gained from being in this type of relationship. You grow from each relationship in self-awareness. How and why did you settle for less? If you can answer this question, you will be able to find the core wound that draws you to these people.
4. Remove Reminders
While you are in your adjustment period, remove all reminders of your partner and cut off all contact. Delete their number from your phone, put away all memorabilia, and remove them from all social media. Your mind is going to be reminder enough. Removing them is ceremonious of your moving on and not carrying their energy into the next phase of life.
5. Fill Your Time
Because crazy-makers create so much noise in your life, you may not know how to live in the quiet. Get a journal and books on toxic people and educate yourself on how and why you got so addicted to their unpredictability, confusion, threats and their now-and-again shows of validation, love and growth.
6. Get Social Again
Get back in the social circle and the dating scene as soon as you feel ready. There is no need to freeze yourself into being alone. If you force yourself to move on, you will. Move on mindfully. Do not choose to stay stuck.
7. Get Physical
It is amazing what physical activity can achieve during such a stressful time. It is an effective way to burn off emotional turmoil and nervous energy. Exercise releases endorphins which give you a feeling of power and well-being.
WARNING: Beware, crazy-makers have an uncanny way of knowing when you are moving on. As soon as they sense this, they will be back. If you go back into the relationship, it will be great for a couple weeks and then the emotional abuse, games and chaos will begin again and this time it will be even worse. As counterintuitive as this may seem, they do not respect you if love yourself so little that you go back.
Adjusting to ourselves without them is difficult at first, because we do not know how to live without the noise. This is why many people go back over and over again, or they continue to attract these same types of people into their lives in new relationships. If you leave a toxic person, you will need to settle into this period of adjustment, healing and growing. Believe me, once you adjust to the quiet you will begin to love and treasure it.
Dr. Sherrie Campbell is the author of Loving Yourself and is a licensed Psychologist with more than nineteen years of clinical training and experience. She provides practical tools to help people overcome obstacles to self-love and truly achieve an empowered life. Click here to get her free article on Five Ways to Make Love the Common Ground in Your Communication. She is a featured expert on a variety of national websites and has a successful practice in Southern California. Receive free insights from Sherrie and to be involved in her Facebook community of others looking to improve their relationship. For more information visit http://www.sherriecampbellphd.com.