Written by Karen Jones, YourTango.com
Dating coach Karen Jones shares insight into the type of guy a woman should avoid if she is looking for a relationship. This is a great list!
If there’s one issue that comes up again and again when I’m working with single clients, it’s the “unavailable man” dilemma. I’d say it’s the biggest issue women deal with when they’re out there dating.
And there are always signs, right off the bat — but when a woman is responding to a powerful attraction (“we have such chemistry!”, “I feel like we’ve known each other forever!”), there’s a tendency to overlook things that shouldn’t be, and to, shall we say, “enhance” things that are not exactly there.
We have a powerful ability to delude ourselves, don’t we?
So, how can you tell when a man is available (emotionally and otherwise)?
First let’s cover some signs you could pick up on that would tell you a man may not be really available — and please keep in mind that this is in no way absolute. But these things, if paid attention to, would help you avoid getting involved with (yet another) unavailable man:
• He doesn’t follow through with what he said he would do;
• The amount of time he spends at work leaves little time for anything else;
• He lives very far away (I’m not a big fan of long-distance romances);
• The work he does is unfulfilling (or worse — he hates what he does);
• You notice that he drinks/smokes/gambles/(fill in any other crutch) too much;
• He spends an inordinate amount of time with his parents (of course, ignore this if they’re sick);
• His divorce is not final (no matter what he says about where things are);
• The way he talks about his ex reveals anger, resentment, blame, and no personal responsibility;
• He wants to spend 24/7 with you right away, and is calling/texting several times a day. (This one sounds like the opposite of unavailable, but think about it: he doesn’t even really know you yet, and he can’t get enough of you? Beware of the possibility of your ego’s glee at his obsession with you);
• His financial situation is a disaster (tricky these days with the economy the way it is — after all, Donald Trump went bankrupt…and went right back to being a multi-gazillionaire);
• He seems to be too needy of your approval, praise, etc. (having said that, men are fueled by our approval, and we do want to shower men with that gift – just pay attention to how he is about this – insatiable is a bad sign that he doesn’t have it for himself…this can also show up se-xu-ally, by the way);
• After several dates, he’s still actively dating someone else (he doesn’t owe you exclusivity — as you don’t owe him, either – but after a certain point, you’re either ready for exclusivity, or you’re not);
• You notice either by his car or his home that it looks like it belongs to a teenager — and a cyclone hit, too (again, this one’s tricky, but if he’s got trash all over the place, and it doesn’t look like he respects himself enough to take care of his things, that could spell trouble);
• He is depressed and not taking care of it (it’s your call if you want to be with a man who has this issue, but if he’s not managing it with meds or professional help, you’re asking for trouble);
Have I missed any? I’d love to hear what else you’ve experienced that should be on this list!
Now, the part that’s about you (we have to cover this part, of course, because it’s the part you have control over, and it’s the part that is creating the rest of it!).
You Attract Who You Are (not who you want!)
There’s a powerful law of the universe (like gravity) that states that “like attracts like”. Don’t take it personally — just like you don’t take gravity personally.
So if you’re attracting men who fit any of those items listed above, what can you learn about yourself? After all, intimate relationships are our most powerful teachers/mirrors!
Check these out, and see if any ring true for you:
• Are you feeling unworthy of someone who is (and is ready for) what you really want?
• Is a part of you not fully available (whether there’s a man you’re still connecting with, you’re over-involved with family members, etc.)?
• Is a part of your life not working, and you’re hoping that you’ll attract a man who will ride into your life and take care of you? (Note: that’s very unlikely to happen, unless you’re okay with being with a controlling man — who, if he’s like that, is probably not very confident…again, possibly a match for your lack of confidence?)
• Do you have a crutch or addiction that is in the way?
• Are you a “Chameleon Woman”, turning yourself into whatever you believe a man wants?
Don’t forget this powerful advice: be what you seek (as long as you’re being true to yourself and not being “Chameleon Woman”).
If you know and honor your authentic self, live a life that is aligned with who you really are, and make choices that will make you happy/happier, it’s going to be highly unlikely that you’d keep attracting men who aren’t available. After all, you’re not traveling on the same vibrational level any more!
This article was originally published at YourTango.com: The signs of an unavailable man