Dating Advice: Valentine’s Day- more harm than good for couples?

Valentine's Day can often be a catalyst for break-ups.

Should new relationships be avoided or encouraged around Valentine’s Day?  This holiday unlike most others has (or at least is marketed) a scripted path of success: card/flowers, dinner, “romantic” activity.  Walking this path may just fulfill a relationship requirement without scoring any relationship points.    While the holiday provides an opportunity for couples to express their intimate feelings for one another (or to purchase a card that will do it for them) the very nature of the holiday’s expectation for emotionally-laden gestures might overwhelm fledgling relationships, or break those that are teetering.  Conversely, those in high quality relationship should theoretically sail through this holiday, since their emotional overtures should be time-tested and genuine.  Considering that the conditions for a “successful” Valentine’s Day is fraught with peril, should any couple besides the experienced and satisfied try to get through it?

A new study shows how Valentine’s Day has a catalyzing effect on relationship dissolution, with unhappy couples more likely to break up before or directly after this holiday than compared to the rest of the year.   Couples that broke up were highly correlated with decreases in expectations, decreases in favorable relationship comparisons, an increase in attractiveness to other potential mates, and a general decrease in relationship quality.  Valentine’s Day facilitated the downward slope into break up.  However, this holiday had no influence on high-quality relationships or those whose feeling for each other was increasing at the time of the study.

The Valentine’s Day effect was not limited to the new or casual relationship.  In this study, the average relationship length was 18 months.  Many of the couples reported high levels of relationship quality, regardless of duration.

Would these unhappy couples have otherwise survived if they hadn’t felt this way over the holiday?  Possibly.  Past research has shown that unhappy couples can more likely weather the angst of waning feelings or quality if it had happened at another time of year.  Valentine’s Day provides that spark to ultimately kill the flame.

Valentine’s Day can be important to both members of the couple, but it also has the downside of forcing couples to evaluate their relationship.  If you do experience a breakup during this time, consider the possibility that this holiday actually does you a favor.  Getting out of a relationship that was declining anyway saves you time, stress, and money.  It might be bitter consolation when the world seems to be extravagantly declaring its love for one another, but you’ll be well on your way to recovery by summertime.

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Further Reading:

Morse, K., & Neuberg, S. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day Personal Relationships, 11 (4), 509-527 DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x