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Three Reasons Why You Can’t Find a Guy

by Eharmony Editorial Team - December 21, 2011

Always attracting men who won't commit? Find out why it may be your fault!

Always attracting men who won’t commit? Find out why it may be your fault!

What is wrong with men these days? This is a frequent complaint I hear from my customers and clients. No matter how positive they try to be, they still seem to meet men who just don’t want a commitment. The ones who want to get married are boring and the ones who don’t are so sexy, but flaky when it comes to settling down to a long-term relationship.

If you are always meeting non-committal men (or women), the problem isn’t with the selection out there, but within your own mind. It is easy to blame singles in your age group, the quality of singles who date online, or that the type of partner you seek is really not out there. Passing the responsibility on to external circumstances is the way your subconscious mind tries to lead you away from the truth of what is really going on. If you find the truth, you will change your results.

The law of cause and effect states that every effect is driven by a cause. First, you need to look at your results. For example, always attracting non-committal people is the effect. Then, you have to understand what is causing the effect you are experiencing. When you look outside of yourself for the cause, you don’t have any power to change it. When you look within for the source, you can be empowered to shift your experience to attract the love you desire.

Now, don’t be too hard on yourself because you are not consciously creating this experience. If you knew what you were doing (or feeling/thinking) to cause it, I am sure you would change it immediately unless you really don’t want to have love in your life. In my experience, here are the top reasons why you may be attracting non-committal partners.

1.  You are not committed to having a partner and are unaware of it. Most likely, there is a stronger unconscious desire inside of you to stay single.

Solution: Ask yourself what benefits you receive from staying in the status quo and if you are willing to give them up in order to be in a committed relationship.

2.  You want a quick fix for love. Those fly-by-night men actually feed that need for fast love. They say all the right things and create an “instant” relationship. However, they often end as fast as they begin.

Solution: Heal the urgency for love and you will stop attracting the ones who mesmerize you into short-term heartbreak.

3. You are afraid of getting emotionally intimate with a partner. Non-committal people never want to get close so you don’t have to deal with emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy is easy if this is you, but the emotional part is scary.

Solution: Heal the past which has caused you to be afraid of opening up deeply to a partner. If you already worked on this, you need to dig a little deeper to get to the root of the fear. Very Important! If you are afraid of getting too intimate, you will also be afraid to do the deep work required to heal this issue.

There are three steps to changing your results.

First, notice the pattern you are experiencing in your relationships.

Second, as you recognize the pattern, you must accept that you are the cause of the pattern. By accepting responsibility, you are armed with the power to change, and you can stop wasting time blaming others or waiting and hoping for outside conditions to change.

Lastly, face the things you have been avoiding including healing past relationships, working with uncomfortable emotions and getting outside of your comfort zone.

So, thank your latest unavailable man for holding up a powerful mirror for your inner healing. Have compassion for them because they also have the same issues with love (that’s why you keep attracting each other). If you take these three steps, you will discover that love is waiting for you as you open your heart and mind to the ones who truly want to be with you. If you remove the barriers within your own mind, you can effortlessly find the love you truly deserve.

More at YourTango:

Why You Can’t Change The One You Love

Compatibility: In a Man’s Eyes

Creating a Relationship Resolution

In Your Relationships: Have You Been Naughty or Nice?