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The I Factor: Why Women Hang in There with the Wrong Guys

Many women spend far too long trying to figure out if they should continue to date a man. And they hang in there long after it’s clear to them and everyone else that they’re with the wrong guy and in the wrong relationship.

Why is this?

They offer all sorts of reasons for staying with the guy they’re dating, but mostly they want to “give him a chance” and are “waiting for him to come around.”

Let’s look at some of the most common reasons and see why they’re not particularly good ones:

 I like that he’s so into me. Sure, it’s nice to have someone really like you, love you, and want you for a change, especially after all those other guys who never seemed especially focused on you. But you have to be into him too or it’s one-sided, and it will never last.

• I’m hoping he’ll change. This reminds me of the old joke. Question: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has really got to want to change. Regardless, don’t try to fix or save him; he’ll resent you for it and you’ll be frustrated. Instead, find someone you accept “as is.”

• He’s starting to change. But people don’t really change. Or if they do, they do so slowly. And only if they want to. And only for themselves, not for you. And only with sustained effort over many years rather than weeks or months. Think of a glacier. It moves. Very, very slowly. Several inches a year. But not enough to notice.

• But he’s a really good guy. True, he has qualities you like, and he’s certainly not as bad as a lot of other guys. But even bad guys know how to be good guys, and in any case, you deserve more than a “good guy.” So think about the key qualities that you most value in a partner. If he doesn’t have them now, he never will.

• I’ve tried to break up with him, but he keeps coming back. Um…doesn’t this mean you don’t want to be with him? Here’s the thing: every guy knows exactly what to say and do to get a girl back when she leaves him. Don’t be fooled; nothing he promises will ever last. Not because he’s lying, but rather because he’ll fall back into the same old patterns once he’s no longer desperate to get you back.

• I hate being alone. So get a dog. Sorry, but if you hate being alone, you should work on that part of yourself, not use a relationship to mask it. Because the only thing worse than being alone is still feeling alone when you’re in a relationship. If necessary, seek professional help to work through your issues.

• I’m getting older. And you feel desperate that you’re running out of time. Perhaps the most lethal reason, this fosters a sense of urgency that doesn’t really exist. You’re not getting older, you’re getting better, wiser and more conscious, and each passing year makes you better equipped to make the right choice in a partner.

Simple rule of thumb: You know this isn’t the relationship for you if you go back and forth in your mind, tell yourself you just have to get to know him better, or are waiting for him to change just one thing.

If you’re looking for reasons to like him, you don’t…If you don’t know if he’s the one, he’s not… If you aren’t sure if he’s the right guy, he’s the wrong guy…

If any of this rings true for you and your current relationship, don’t waste your time, be proactive rather than passive, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit, and move on with your life.

PortraitPaul-ePubPaul N. Weinberg is the coauthor of The I Factor, an inspirational and aspirational book about connection in the age of social media. The I Factor was recently published to The I Factor Cover 3D Hirave reviews and endorsements from some of today’s biggest celebrities, including Larry King, Jack Canfield, Marianne Williamson, and Sofia Vergara. Available exclusively online in print and ebook versions through and the Apple iTunes Bookstore.

© 2012 by Paul N. Weinberg