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Chemistry: You Know You Want It, but What Is It?

Chemistry is definitely a requirement for a fulfilling relationship, but it doesn’t always transpire in the way we would like to think. Most of us have visions of being swept off of our feet by Mr./Ms. Right. We imagine there will be that initial, magical moment where our eyes lock and we lose ourselves in each other, but real life is a little more complicated.

Have you ever disagreed with a friend about whether or not someone was attractive? My guess is that you have. The reason is because chemistry is unique to each individual. It’s about way more than just someone’s physical appearance. Someone you may not initially find attractive can become much more attractive within mere moments of chatting with them face to face.

On rare occasions you may have instant chemistry with someone, but be careful because that physiological attraction response can be misleading. In order for a relationship to be successful, there needs to be more than just physical attraction.

On a deep level, chemistry truly begins with sharing the same philosophies about life. What deeply connects us to someone and creates that spark is often likeness. At our core, we all want to share certain experiences and values — and we feel validated by people who share those values. It is helpful to share the same philosophies about life, children, family, money, intimacy, and communication.

It is also important to be able to share some day-to-day passions that the two of you can engage in together, be that golf, meatballs, Star Wars, or Bruno Mars concerts. Living a happy life together is about sharing experiences.

Your experience of chemistry with someone is also influenced by the way that person carries himself or herself. Again, what you find attractive here is based on your own unique persona. Some are attracted to smart and quiet, others the boisterous life of the party.

A part of how your match treats you is how he or she responds to your efforts to show you care about them. We all make gestures to try and show our care, love, and affection for a partner. How your partner responds to your specific gestures is a big part of chemistry. If your gestures are well received and appreciated, the chemistry you feel toward them will skyrocket.

I am the lead matchmaker for eHarmony’s personal matchmaking service, eH+. Every day I talk with clients who we are helping find love. I often hear them say, “If I am not attracted to a match’s photo, I am not interested.” For me, this is such a shame. I feel like many people miss out on love because they are stuck behind a computer analyzing someone’s potential from a distance.

Here’s what we explain to our clients. Chemistry is a tricky and complicated thing, comprised of many different connections with a person. I can’t even tell you how many times I have had an open minded client say something like “I am not feeling an initial attraction, but I will go out with him.” When we follow up on the date, she will often say “I was so shocked because he was more attractive in person!”

Here’s my best advice: If someone seems to have a lot of the qualities you are looking for, get out there and meet them. That will be the only way to really determine if you have chemistry with them.

Have you ever met someone — and had the chemistry blossom a bit later?


About Ashley and eH+:

eH+Ashsuit09102014-15eHarmony’s new service, eH+,  gives you the benefit of a personal matchmaker who picks your matches and guides you to success. We’re taking the best of what eHarmony does and combining that with what personal matchmakers do best – person-to-person conversation, opportunities for feedback, and coaching to put your best foot forward.

eHarmony users, be sure to include your phone number in your account information so that Ashley can contact you if you are a match for an eH+ client.