Today’s guest blog comes from career coach Mentor Baeth Davis. I love her plan of action for finding the relationship you really want!
Humans are pack animals. We are designed to live, eat, work, and play together. When we are single, in most cases, we are continually scanning and searching for the ideal mate to connect with and share our lives with. It is an instinctive, healthy drive. In my mentoring practice, I see many clients searching outside themselves for satisfaction.
In relationships, if we don’t possess a healthy sense of self, we end up matching up with someone who perfectly fits the pieces of us we have discounted, disowned, and rejected. For example, let’s say you are a woman who grew up with a distant, emotionally unavailable father. You may choose a man whose attention you have to work hard for.
Initially, you have strong chemistry with this man and you feel like you can’t live without him near you. But soon, within three months to three years, you find that he drives you crazy—and not in a good way. The very needs you want met, he seems unable to even see, never mind fulfill. You want affection, adoration, and gifts, and he grants you the occasional dinner out.
What do you do? You do more for him. You cook him more dinners at home, dress up in sexy lingerie, and suggest therapy. It doesn’t do a damn thing to get you back to those hot sexy days when you first met. And the more you do for him, the less he feels he has to do to woo you. The relationship fizzles. And the cycle begins again.
There is a way to break this cycle, but 95 percent of the people who read this article won’t do it. I dare you to do it. If you do, you become a part of what I call the “5 percent club.” The 5 percent club is the most exclusive club in the world. This is the club that no one invites you to join, and only you can accept or reject yourself. This club is based on self-love.
To achieve self-love, it is vital to develop your ability to receive love, support, and help. You need to be able to accept a compliment with a simple “thank you,” instead of a long story about how you bought the dress on sale after a friend told you about it. To love yourself, you must also develop your selfishness muscle. I know a bit about this, as I am recovering from breast cancer. The breasts literally exist for nurturing, sex, and feeding. I gave and gave and gave, thinking it would grant me love in return. Instead, it wore my spirit and my body out. Looking at the scar where my breast used to be, I am astounded at the love that came to me when I simply said, “I surrender.” People, from ex-boyfriends to long-lost friends, stepped up to help me in my hour of need. I wondered whether I should have learned to ask for support before life brought me to my knees.
Now, I’m not suggesting that if you over-give and forget yourself you are going to get cancer, but it doesn’t help matters. If you really crave true romance and an ideal partner, here are my five tips for making sure you are ready to receive love before you enter the dating market:
1. Write out your intention for the relationship. How do you want to feel and be treated? How does your partner live his life? What is your spiritual goal for the relationship?
2. Make a list of all the things your previous partners had in common—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then, next to each item, make a note if it reminds you of one or both of your parents.
3. Make a list of what you most want to receive from the relationship. When you have a partner, ask them to do the same and trade lists. Are you willing to love them in the way they want to be loved—so that you can be loved in the way you want to be loved?
4. Track how you spend your time for one month. Now, go through your time inventory with a highlighter and highlight all the activities you love doing. In another color pen, circle all the activities you don’t like doing. Are you willing to be self-loving enough to ditch, delegate, or re-design these activities to suit you?
5. Create a dream board of images that reflect your true feelings about love, relationships, sex, marriage, and family. Put it in a place where it’s the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you see before you go to bed at night. You are programming your subconscious to help you focus on attracting what you most desire. For additional success, release everything materially that isn’t useful, beautiful, or essential to your life. Make sure that whatever you put your eyes and hands on stirs up love in your heart.
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This article was originally published on YourTango: 5 Ways to Avoid Those Dreaded Dead-End Relationships