Written by Julie Orlov, YourTango.com
A very important part of any committed relationship is your intimate life. I really loved these tips from YourTango expert/therapist Julie Orlov, who shares how couples can improve and maintain a healthy sexual connection. Here are the most common missteps both men and women make in this area…
Top Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom:
Expecting your lover to read your mind. Men are not mind readers and each woman can vary in terms of what pleases her. Let your partner know how he can please you. Be specific and concrete. Show him. Gentle but clear direction will be greatly appreciated. Your man wants to please you. You just need to tell him how.
Being a passive partner. This shows up in a number of ways (including number one above, for that matter). Men don’t necessarily want to have to run the show all the time. Be willing to initiate sex — men like to be seduced as well. Be willing to try new things. No one wants to have the same meal for dinner night after night after night. Learn to get comfortable being out of your comfort zone — you just might discover new pleasures and your partner will love you all the more for it.
Expecting your lover to perform on demand — anytime, anywhere. Contrary to what some men will have you believe, men do not have an instant “on” switch for sex. Men are entitled to be tired, stressed, not in the mood or interested in just cuddling, just as women are.
Respect the fact that just because you want sex doesn’t mean your lover is wanting and willing to perform on demand. However, if you want to try and get him in the mood … remember that foreplay and seduction works the same way for him as it does for you. Slow, subtle, not so subtle, creative and varied approaches are just as important for men as they are for women. It is important to be sensitive to the moods and needs of your partner. Know when to back off and respect his “No, thank you” and learn how your man likes to be touched before, during and after sex.
Talking during and after sex. Not that kind of talk, if you know what I mean. Let’s face it ladies, we know how to talk and we know when we have a captive audience. But I was surprised to find out from men how many women use sexual encounters as the time to go over needs, complaints, schedules, problems, etc. with their mates.
The bottom line? Stop it. Turn off any non-sexy talk. This is the time to connect with your partner in tactile ways. Get out of your head and into your body and let your partner do the same.
Not taking care of your hygiene. This one was a hard one for me to include but in all honesty, a lot of men have this complaint. So here’s my suggestion on this one. Simply be aware of your overall health and hygiene. If you know you are going on a hot date with your honey, shower, shave and lotion yourself up with your favorite body lotion. Of course, the same goes for the men out there.
Top Mistakes Men Make in the Bedroom:
Assuming that women do not have the same sex drive as men. Don’t believe for a minute that women don’t like sex or want sex as much as men. While there are certainly individual differences with both genders, women love sex and want sex. If your significant other or wife is turning you down, the first thing to ask is how can you make it better for her, not how you can get her to take better care of satisfying your sexual needs.
Lack of foreplay: A woman enjoys the pleasure of her entire body being touched and caressed. She enjoys being kissed and seduced. Take the time to work your way slowly down a woman’s entire body.
Beginning and ending foreplay as quickly as possible. Foreplay goes on 24/7 for a woman. The more attentive you are to her overall needs, the more connected she feels. The more connected she feels, the more responsive she will be to sexual advances.
So if your mate is tired from a long day and you are in the mood for sex, run a nice hot bath for her, put the kids to bed and I promise, that tired “leave me alone” mood will shift. Nurturing your woman is the best aphrodisiac you can find. Be a great partner to your mate and your mate will be a great lover in return.
Doing sex “your way.” Most men take the lead in sexual encounters. And for some, even when a woman does take the initiative to do sex differently (her way), she is redirected to how he wants it. Sometimes this can be a match and sometimes it is not. They may love what you love and they may prefer something different. Women tend to have their own preferences on how they like to have sex. Make sure you find out what pleases your mate.
Let her run the show from time to time. Make sure her needs are being met. Create a safe space from which to try different things and create an intimate connection. Hot sex, tender sex and anything in-between is all great when it comes from a place of love and intimacy.
Do you agree with her points? Would love to hear your thoughts!