“Life is better when you stop criticizing the faults, instead look for the beauty in the flaws.”
I recently read an article with a great headline that said something to the effect of, “Follow these 7 marriage rules from divorce attorneys … and never end up in their offices!” What married person wouldn’t continue to read that article? Who wants to end up in the office of a divorce attorney? Been there; done that. No more, thank you very much!
I decided to write an article about each of the 7 rules. We are coming into the home stretch and today we are on Rule #5. If you have missed any of the others, you can catch up here: Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3 and Rule 4.
Don’t expect perfection. Remember what our parents used to tell us? Nobody is perfect. They were right. We aren’t perfect. Our parents aren’t perfect. And, our partner isn’t perfect. We have to learn to accept them for who they are.
It’s interesting. We are usually willing to overlook “flaws” or things that bother us early in relationships. Some things are cute, and we find we can overlook them easily. They aren’t a big deal, and we ignore them. Or, we are so in love that we are willing to overlook them because all the great traits overshadow these few “annoying habits.” Or, we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that these “flaws” – these cracks in perfection – aren’t a big deal and we will get used to them. Or, and this is a dangerous one, we believe we will be able to “change” them and “fix” them once we have some time to work on them. These are all reasons why we are willing to overlook perceived “flaws” and move forward with a relationship.
Most of the time, as these relationships progress, all the reasons and excuses we gave ourselves about the “flaws” we find in our spouses suddenly dim in their importance, and the “flaw” itself seems to become magnified. Sure, we told ourselves that it was a cute “flaw,” or that that we would get used to it, or that we could change them, but the reality is that “flaw” isn’t going anywhere.
You will also go crazy trying to change someone to make them perfect. Too often I’ve spoken with divorced people who tell me, “I thought I could change him (or her) … and when I realized I couldn’t, things got really bad.”
So now what? I’ve seen “flaws” that have gone on to create giant wedges between couples who could no longer see all of the great qualities that attracted them to each other in the first place. Suddenly all of those wonderful traits that you fell in love with – his wacky sense of humor, the way she wants to adopt every stray pet she sees, his special way with your kids – take a back seat to the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up or that she throws clothes on the floor in the closet.
We need to accept “flaws” for what they are: inevitable parts of every one of us.
Remember, nobody is perfect. And, if you married someone to begin with, it’s likely that their list of wonderful attributes far outweighed their list of “flaws.” It might be time to revisit what it was that you initially fell in love with, and then decide how important those “flaws” really are in the grand scheme of things. I’m guessing those “flaws” will turn out to rank pretty low on the totem pole in comparison with other wonderful qualities.
“Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.’ ” ~ Ashton Kutcher
What do you think? Have you let “flaws” become more important than they deserve to be? Are you aware of your own “flaws?”
About the Author:
Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” (2010) in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys, and “The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a better view” (2013) to provide perspectives on love, marriage, divorce and everything in between. The books are available on Amazon.com. Learn more at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com.