Notes from my Father

I’ve had this pressing thought lately about how lovely this world would be if we all treated each other with respect and kindness. This isn’t a new thought by any means, yet it seems it’s one that keeps resurfacing in my thoughts.

At a national level, and certainly not to get into a political conversation, I think we can agree that no matter which side of the fence you are on, respect and kindness were lacking in our recent election. That’s all I am going to say about that. I think we’ve all had enough!

At a more local level, my son recently broke up with a young woman he had been dating for a few months. He was adamant that he wanted to treat her kindly and respectfully. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I was so proud of how careful and caring he was as he delivered the message, and the young woman was just as kind and respectful in return. No drama. No anger. No disrespect.

I wish I could say the same for another couple who are in the process of breaking up. The difference is that they haven’t dated for just a few months, but rather have been married for over 40 years.  You would think (hope!?) that after 40+ years, after building a life and family together, and after both coming to the realization that they are no longer happy together, that they would honor their history and treat each other with kindness and respect. Not happening. They have both played with gasoline and matches and the resulting firestorm is no fun for either party, nor for their extended family and friends.  It’s sad to see that kind of history get torched when in reality they could jointly agree to move forward with kindness and respect.

It can be done. I spoke with another couple who is getting divorced this past week.  They were married about 19 years ago, and find themselves divorcing as a result of deceit and extramarital affairs.  I think we can agree that kind of behavior is neither kind nor respectful, and many would argue that the opposing spouse had every right to be just as unkind and disrespectful in return. I’m not saying that there wasn’t some of that going on because human emotions do come into play, but when it boiled down to the “break-up,” the divorce, this couple is choosing to take the high road. Instead of rehashing the past, they are choosing peace. They are looking forward to what will be, and not dwelling on what was.

My father passed away nearly 20 years ago. I found some old papers last night that he had written to leave for his future grandchildren to read. They were his memories, his stories of growing up, and his reflections. It brought tears to my eyes to read them. He described his parents who were married in 1924, and wrote, ”Mom and Dad taught us manners, values, and consideration for others. I don’t recall them ever using foul language, gossiping or making disparaging comments about others. They were kind and considerate and always willing to help others.”  I never knew his parents, my grandparents, but I love the description my dad provided. I wonder, will my kids say the same thing about their parents?

The bottom line is this: it is possible to choose kindness and respect every day.  It is possible to get through life’s toughest moments by maintaining your commitment to kindness and respect. And in the end, that is the kind of legacy we all want to leave.

What do you think?

About the Author:

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” (2010) in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys, and “The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a better view” (2013) to provide perspectives on love, marriage, divorce and everything in between. The books are available on Learn more at

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