Ashley returns with some thoughts about how to handle dating if you are feeling nervous or insecure (and who isn’t!?). Ashley is a matchmaker for eHarmony’s new service, eH+, which gives you the benefit of a personal matchmaker who picks your matches and guides you to success. Read on for her insights…
Whether it’s a job interview, cooking a new meal for friends, or trying to connect with someone on a date, we all deal with feeling insecure at times.
The Most Important Thing You Can Do: Get Out of Your Head (as much as possible)
That nagging voice inside your head may tell you, “You’re not good enough.” “You don’t know what you’re doing.” “He/she doesn’t like you.” “You’re just going to end up getting hurt.”
Any of those sound familiar?
We all hear these voices. Sometimes they are louder and more pressing than at other times. It seems we are more fearful and insecure about dating today more than ever. I hear this from my eH+ clients quite often and it’s understandable when there is so much conflicting dating and relationship advice out there. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to follow the newest so-called “dating rules”.
That negative voice inside your head can leave you feeling confused and insecure. For some people, their fear is so strong they don’t even attempt to date. Fortunately, you are out there looking for love, so you’re already moving in the right direction.
Where fear and insecurity often trip people up is while interacting with someone they like on a date. Believe it or not, usually both people are dealing with similar feelings. This can lead to both of you acting inauthentic and making it really hard to connect.
Send the Right Signals
These distracting emotions can prevent people who genuinely like each other from continuing to date because both believe the other person isn’t interested. Anytime you are on a date and you find yourself liking the other person, it’s good to be aware of the signals you are sending.
When discussing dates with my eH+ clients, I ask if they are conveying that they like their date or is their nervousness masking their true feelings? One of the best things you can do is notice the voice inside your head and recognize it as simply your fear or nervousness talking. It really has nothing to do with you or your date.
If you find yourself liking your date, let them know both verbally and non-verbally. You can say things like “I’m having fun talking to you, I hope we can talk again sometime” (this is a signal you want to meet again, without directly asking your date out).
Send non-verbal signals by smiling more, making lingering eye contact, and leaning into the space between the two of you. Often you need to send these signals 5 times more than what feels natural to you.
Remember, your date is also struggling with fear and insecurity. These extra signals help your date to cut through their own issues to keep connecting with you in a genuine way.
Have you been able to successfully deal with feelings of insecurity during your dates? What helped you?
Learn more about eH+, personal matchmaking services by eHarmony.