“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on
fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~ Socrates
Your life has changed. You are now divorced. Perhaps you wanted this change. Perhaps you didn’t sign up for this change. Perhaps you were blindsided by this change. Regardless, change is happening and it cannot be stopped.
I have a coffee cup in my kitchen cupboard that is imprinted with this saying: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi made this statement, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t talking about the importance of change as it relates to divorce! But, let’s pretend for a moment that he was. What change would you want to see in your world? What would you do differently? If you could have a “do-over,” what would it look like? This is an opportunity for you to define what would be different in your world. How cool is that?
I’ve always been an optimist, and this is obviously an optimistic perspective. If you are naturally a pessimist, (as in the type of person who would look at my “change” coffee cup and pronounce it half-full at all times!), I ask you to humor me and follow this train of thought.
Say you didn’t sign up for the divorce. You thought you had signed up for “until death do us part.” This “change” isn’t a part of the vision you had created for youself. This wasn’t supposed to be a part of your story.
Say you don’t like change and don’t want change. You like being married. You like where you live. You like the comfort in your life. You like your routine. You like your children living under the same roof as both of their parents – every day. You like spending every Christmas with your kids (and the thought of “every other” is horrifying). You essentially “like” your life.
But, now it’s changing. Someone or something has caused a change. You can’t control it. You can’t stop it. Perhaps you have tried. Perhaps you have valiantly fought to stop the change, but like the sun setting and the sun rising each day, the change still happened, regardless of what you have tried to do.
I speak with many people who refuse to accept the change that their divorce brings, even though it’s inevitable or even though it has already happened. These people appear stuck. They aren’t moving forward. What happens when you refuse to accept change? It happens anyway, doesn’t it? Then what? We are left watching the world go by, leaving us hoping for how things used to be, but that’s a naïve thought.
Other people I speak with, while unhappy with the prospect of change (and unhappy at the prospect of being divorced), understand the need to ultimately embrace the change. These same people deal with their anger, their grief, and their sadness, and then ultimately say, “OK. This is my new life. Deal with it!” And then, they frequently find that this initial unwanted “change” brings new, unexpected, and even better changes into their lives! New opportunities! New jobs! New friends! New homes! New relationships!
And then, the best part is when they say, “I would never wish what I went through (my divorce) on my worst enemy, but I am soooo much happier now than I ever was before. In retrospect, this has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Trust me when I tell you that I have heard this on many, many occasions.
“One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage
to let go of what you can’t change.”
Don’t fear change. It’s going to happen anyway. Ride the wave of change. You may discover something greater than you ever anticipated!
What about you? How did you successfully navigate through change? What did you do with your “do-over?”
About the Author:
Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” (2010) in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys, and “The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a better view” (2013) to provide perspectives on love, marriage, divorce and everything in between. The books are available on Amazon.com. Learn more at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com.