In today’s enlightening guest post, relationship coach Marla Martenson makes some solid points about what women could learn from men in certain areas of dating. I think she is right on with this one!
Believe it or not, there are some ways women can benefit from taking a cue from our male counterparts. John Gray says that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and I agree. So, let’s take a look at what we can learn from our Martian brothers.
1. Men don’t tend to be drama queens. They keep their personal business to themselves rather than seeking attention for it. They strive to be brave and show no weakness, only strength. So often, women remark about their partners, “Getting him to talk about his problems is like pulling teeth.” By nature, men are controlled and competitive; they keep their emotions to themselves.
Women are hard-wired to talk and “get out” our feelings, which might be one of the reasons why we live longer. We don’t hold things in. But we can learn to tone this tendency down. If you really need to express yourself, try writing in a journal, talking to a therapist, spiritual counselor or girlfriend. In her book Enchanted Love, Marianne Williamson writes, “There’s nothing more powerful than a woman who knows how to contain her power and not let it leak, standing firmly within it in mystery and silence. A woman who talks too much sheds her allure.”
2. Men take care of themselves first. Men aren’t ready to take care of all of your problems, clean your house, run your errands and rub your feet after the first date. They generally take care of themselves first. For a man, listening to a woman’s problems is a lot of work, because he feels like he has no choice but to solve all them. Women are naturally nurturing and caregivers. It is a wonderful quality be to caring and loving, but don’t be afraid to be a bit selfish, take care of yourself first and let the man fend for himself.
Women, on the other hand, seem to believe that the more they do for a man, the more he will appreciate her and want to be with her. Not so. He will probably be grateful, but he won’t respect you, and he will expect you to take care of all the details, all of the time.
When in early stages of dating, never do for a man what he can do for himself or hire someone to do. You are not a maid, a caterer, errand runner or a laundromat. You have a life and a career to tend to as well. Of course it is great to reciprocate if he takes you out a lot. Be a classy person like you would with a girlfriend, but there is no need to act like his mommy and jump in and take care of everything.
3. Men ease into relationsips. Men usually don’t go exclusive with a woman after only one or two dates. They prefer to keep their options open and see what else is out there.
I am always a bit surprised when a female client will call me up and say, “Marla, don’t match me up anymore, I just met someone and we really hit it off, he’s everything that I’m looking for, thanks.” Or worse, when I match a woman with one of my male clients and after the first date, she doesn’t want to meet anyone else, but I know for a fact that he is still dating to see whom he feels the most chemistry with.
I tell these ladies to date like men and keep their options open. If it doesn’t work out with this guy who is everything you are looking for, you will still be out there meeting people and have a few irons in the fire. You won’t feel as hurt or disappointed if he moves on when you have other options.
4. Men don’t discuss everything. Men don’t talk about their relationships or where things are going. They are more into action than words. I personally don’t believe in love at first sight; however, I do believe in lust at first sight. Just see how things go, let him prove himself to you, make sure that he has the qualities that you are looking for in another person. And if you have to ask where the relationship is going, frankly, it’s goin’ nowhere.
I hear women all of the time referring to their boyfriend, or talking about how they are in a relationship with a guy, and they just met him three weeks ago! Until you have been dating exclusively for at least a few months, you are not in a relationship, you are dating the guy. I remember talking to one of my girlfriends once about the guy she was dating and she said testily, “We’re not dating, we’re together.” ‘Oh, excuse me,’ I thought. They weren’t married, living together or engaged, so I would call that dating.
5. Men don’t overanalyze things, including their dates. Women will try to figure out what the guy meant when he said this or that, or what it meant that he called at a certain time. It’s exhausting. Men just go on their merry way, dating and having a good time while women are driving themselves crazy trying to be a psychic, psychiatrist, or mind reader about every little thing he says or does.
Men don’t expect other men to talk about much when they are together. They don’t ask each other about their day, what they did at work or who is dating whom. No, they just want to shoot the breeze with topics like sports, cars, the stock market, etc.
6. Men date up. They have no problem expecting to date a woman with supermodel looks while they themselves could stand to hit the gym and lose fifty pounds. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to have the self-esteem of a man? I know that I am speaking to every one of you wonderful ladies out there who are constantly checking yourself out in the mirror to see if you look fat in your pants. I do the same thing.
I have not once heard a man — whether he was my friend, boyfriend or husband — mention or ask me whether he looked fat or if I liked his hair or outfit. Most men are perfectly fine with the way they look. They are what they are, and they happily go about their business of trying to pick up a smoking-hot woman, so much so that they will hold off getting married for years and years until they find exactly what they want. I have had countless male clients who were forty-five plus and had never been married.
On the other hand, women often date down. They think time may be running out to find a husband, or they are lonely, or there aren’t many single men left so they go ahead and date or marry someone with qualities less than they would like. I would urge these women to act like men! Keep your cool and wait for someone to knock your socks off!
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