He Cheated & Left: What Not To Do

October 12, 2011

By

80619629 300x200 He Cheated & Left: What Not To DoToday’s guest blogger is YourTango’s resident Relationship Coach Virgina Feingold Clark — who offers some sound advice on one of the toughest situations we can find ourselves in.

Breaking up is hard enough, but when there’s another woman involved, it’s doubly difficult. It doesn’t matter if she is drop dead beautiful or looks like moldy cheese; either way feels like someone stuck a knife in your back.

It’s particularly hard to overcome the heartbreak when another woman comes into the picture because you feel out of control. Any chance you might have had to work things out with him seems to vanish because he now has this new woman in his life.

Your shaken ego will desperately try to repair it’s hurt pride by urging you to find out why this happened — as if finding an explanation could make you feel better. You’ll scrutinize his feelings and begin to assume all kinds of reasons why he picked her over you.

This won’t fix your heartbreak. This will only end up with you blaming yourself up for lacking something that she must have.

You need to let go of trying to figure out what happened and why. I know it’s easier said than done, but your tendency will be to build her up in her mind because she “has” him and you don’t. If you focus too much on her and make her the “bad guy,” you will get distracted from the truth of the situation. He made the decision to be with her and it’s on him that he broke up with you.

Here are some things you can do to help you get through the break-up faster while keeping your self-esteem intact.

  1. Avoid the temptation to find out everything you can about her. Don’t seek out her friends and ask them questions. Don’t go to Google, Facebook or Twitter and search for her. It will only intensify your heartbreak. If you know her, stop comparing yourself to her. You know what I mean; don’t dwell on who’s prettier, thinner, younger, smarter or more successful.
  2. Don’t discuss her with your friends and family. In fact, don’t talk about her anytime with anyone. You’ve probably heard the idea that whatever you put your attention on expands. Keep that in mind as you put your thoughts back onto your life and what you want to create for yourself. The less you dwell on both of them and your heartbreak, the better off you’ll be and the more grounded you will feel.

I know it doesn’t seem fair that someone can just “take” your man away from you, but as time passes you’ll come to realize that she wasn’t the cause of your break-up. If the two of you were meant to be together for the long run your relationship would have stuck.

It doesn’t mean you weren’t really in love! It’s just the connection between the two of you wasn’t strong enough to bear the test of time, and actually it’s a good thing that you found out sooner rather than later.

I promise you, in time you will look back and be grateful that things turned out the way they did.

More at YourTango:

Can Lack of Sleep Ruin Your Marriage?

3 Easy Steps to Become a Sexy Kisser

more blog posts

By posting a comment, I agree to the Community Standards.
Need help with eHarmony.com?