Personality

Do you speak the language of love? Read this blog to find out.

You are online dating. You see a profile that you like. Before you communicate, do you wait and take another look at the profile just to make sure? Most people do on average, but this depends on a number of factors. Find out more.

As the year ends, we remember some of our favorite and most popular blogs of 2011. Dating, relationship, and sex advice – read more about the latest research.

Studies show that most people are really bad at knowing who is attracted to them. Although human attraction is a complex issue, psychologists have made a few steps in helping to solve this riddle. Read on.

“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.’” – Michael Scott

How true is this quote? Is it really the thought that counts, or deep down are you placing a dollar amount on your relationship?

I hear it all the time.

“I am only attracted to one type of guy (girl), and he (she) jerks me around. What’s wrong with me?”

There are a lot of things that go into attraction and partner selection. Often people find themselves in patterns of one type of partner that never turns out well. We at eHarmony Labs have written about some of the interesting reason like interpersonal transference before but there are other potential reasons for why this happens.

Are you as sick of celebrity infidelity news items as I am? Read on to learn how we can take a stand and celebrate the good people around us instead of concentrating on the duds.

A long history of research has shown the power of forgiving. It benefits the transgressor and the victim. One of the things that research has been showing recently is that forgiveness isn’t the same across all relationships and can have big impacts on the entire family.

Read on to discover how losing focus can help you to find what you’re looking for.

Lessons from an adorable puppy. Find out how your past relationships and current expectations impact the way you you treat others and the way other treat you.

What’s the easiest thing you can do to improve your relationship? BE YOURSELF. Read on to find out why Dr. Seuss’s advice was right all along.

The nice guy stereotype argues that women often say they wish to date kind, sensitive men, but in reality, still choose to date jerks over nice guys. Is the stereotype true?

When we talk about personality the definition most psychologists use goes along the lines of “those relatively enduring patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that distinguish people.” For a long time it has been thought that personality did not change in any meaningful way once a person hit adulthood. However, recent work suggests that not only does personality change in adulthood it changes well into old age as well.

Science proves that men are influenced to risky action by images of scantily-clad women. In other news, the sky is blue!

Do you ever wonder why the world seems so hostile? Well it may not be the world, you yourself may be making the world a more hostile place. This is according to the findings of a recent study done by researchers at Iowa State University on how aggressive people can shape their social world.

Maximizers must find the best possible option while Satisficers only need the option that is “good enough.” Which one feels better?

A recent study investigates how much influence our genes have on our subjective well being (e.g., how happy we are with our lives). Learn more about what they found.

It’s long been known that aspects of your personality can affect the quality of your relationships. Highly neurotic people, for example, are more likely to have negative relationship quality. In a recent study, researchers find that sexual satisfaction mediates this relationship between neuroticism and marital satisfaction. Find out how.

Most people have stereotypic, and frequently unflattering, perceptions of people who have multiple sexual partners. But research suggests that the personality of people who sleep around more than is typical may confound the stereotypes.

Having trouble deciding who to vote for? It’s not just your gender and age–your personality may be more important than you think.

Every once in awhile we have to take a look at our own actions in a relationship. Our anxious, negative fears over the course of a relationship may actually predict rather than reflect the current situation. Those who actively look for rejection may find it- even in emotionally stable partners and relationships.

John Helliwell is quoted as saying: “People tend to overestimate the amount of satisfaction they will get from material things and underestimate the satisfaction they derive from human connections. That’s one reason so many people choose a work environment that ends up making them miserable.” Is this why I don’t need an iPhone?

When you can visualize success, you’re apt to increase your motivation, work harder, and ultimately perform better. Recent research tell us how to maximize our daydreaming time.

When you ask just about anyone in Western society what to value about people, most will say something like it is “what’s on the inside that counts” or “don’t judge based on appearance,” and yet everyone- secretly or openly- wishes to be prettier, thinner, more sociable, and more popular. And if you’re about to disagree take a look at the cover of just about any magazine. Society reveres these people. And why not? Back in the nomadic days these traits were easy to spot and pretty useful when deciding on a mate. Today they are still valuable: good looking people have a tendency to be more sociable, confident and popular. It’s just a harsh truth that we all learned in junior high (dammit).

Western society, at least, is heavily influenced by their social surroundings. Even those that state they couldn’t care less about the opinion of others are hurt when they are rejected. Researchers at the University of Waterloo wanted to study how individuals make social choices based upon the potential for acceptance into a certain group. Since certain groups require different traits in order to receive acceptance, people will will gauge their self-esteem based upon their perceived possession of those certain traits. People generally (and outside of their awareness) link and moderate their self-esteem based on traits that will garner acceptance from others, a concept the researchers referred to as the attunement of self-esteem. In essence, if you are the fastest runner in a group of cross-country track stars, then you consequently value your athleticism and have high self-esteem. However, running skills aren’t going to do you any good if you’re trying out for the chess club. If you can’t play chess, then most likely you won’t be accepted into the chess club, and (provided that’s what you wanted) you’ll suffer a blow to your self-esteem.

How does this relate to popularity and attractiveness? The researchers proposed two groups of traits: social commodities such as popularity, physical attractiveness, and social skills those obvious and readily observable traits and communal qualities typically thought of as being an internal value- such as kindness, warmth, and honesty and responsiveness. They asked individuals which are more important when “others” are choosing friends or what criteria “others” use to evaluate others, and found that sure enough people understand that social commodities (attractiveness, sociability) have more social value than traits such as kindness or warmth. Yet people are still hesitant to admit they personally use this criteria, stating that while they see “others” valuing this criteria, they value communal qualities more. And we are all great drivers that never speed, too.

In order to address this denial, the researchers conducted a few more studies. They looked at how people with varying level of self-esteem are able to make decisions about joining a social group based upon initial feedback that group gave them. Participants from a previous mass-testing study were recruited for a second study. They took an additional test on self-esteem, so researchers could later differentiate those with high and low self-esteem. Participants viewed videos of a “market-research group” they were supposedly being recruited to join. They were also told that this group was was given a sample of the participant’s responses on their psychology questionnaire (which the participant had actually filled out in a previous study). With the identity of the participant removed, the group wrote out feedback about the participant, which was then given to the participant by the recruiter. These “hand-written notes” supposedly from the group members (actually the researchers) had either feedback that stressed the participants sociability and popularity (i.e., social commodities) or kindness, honesty, and supportiveness (i.e., communal qualities).

Those with low self-esteem were more likely to express interest in joining the group that gave them the feedback stressing their popularity and sociability over their kindness and warmth. The results further illustrate that those with lower self-esteem pay attention to this kind of feedback, since it may be a better indicator of liking and acceptance in the group. Those with high self esteem were unaffected by the feedback types (although this may only be because they have had enough validation of their possession of socially valuable traits in the past that they don’t need the feedback). It seems that those participants that believed they possessed little of these socially valuable traits (and these traits were perceived as valuable to gain acceptance) were more affected by feedback that emphasized these traits over others. Essentially self-esteem is affected by our perceived possession of the traits that are valuable and will garner acceptance in a specific social role (despite whether they are actually meaningful).

So are we all looking for popularity and social skills? Basically yes. But take heart, depending on what the social role demands, individuals will also place more weight on other traits. Even those with low self-esteem still valued those traits that were reflective of their internal values. When in social roles that emphasize the importance of communal qualities such as warmth and kindness for social acceptance (e.g., romantic relationships), people’s self-esteem are also attuned to their beliefs about their possession of those traits.

Further Reading:

Anthony, D.B., Holmes, J.G., and Wood, J.V. (2007). Social acceptance and self-esteem: Tuning the sociometer to interpersonal value. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 6, 1024-1039.

So anyone who has read more than a week’s worth of blogs on this site knows that most everyone at eHarmony Labs is a proponent of the idea that similarity is a compelling factor in predicting who will have a successful long-term romantic relationship. Now comes a new study that suggests people vote for politicians that they perceive have similar personalities as themselves.