Have you ever thought about your relationship and wondered, “Where has all the passion gone?” A lot of people do. Relationship scientists have also been asking this question for a long time. Like many of you, we’ve been stumped for quite a while. However, recent evidence from a series of interesting studies suggests that an answer is within reach of all of us, scientists and curious partners alike.

According to Paul Eastwick and Dr. Eli Finkel at Northwestern University, passionate love—the intense feelings people report at the beginning of relationships—reflects the earliest activation of the attachment system. Generally, the attachment system is involved in two functions, both critical for survival and reproduction. First, this system serves a safe-haven function: the extent to which we can depend on our partners in times of distress. Second, it serves a secure-base function: the degree to which we feel comfortable venturing out in our respective environments because we know that someone is there for us when things go right and when they go wrong. In well-developed relationships, attachments are generally secure—both safe haven and secure-base functions are fulfilled. Eastwick and Finkel (2008) suggest that it isn’t plausible that attachments start out being secure. Rather, security comes from experience with one’s partner. Intense passionate love might then reflect attachment anxiety, a state which reflects the functioning of the attachment system when it is unclear whether or not our partners will be there to fulfill our safe-haven and secure-base needs. Like romantic passion, anxious attachment is generally characterized by emotional hyperactivity with respect to our partners’ behavior and a compulsive style seeking closeness with partners.

Eastwick and Finkel (2008) have the data to back up their theory. In a series of studies, they find that passionate love and attachment anxiety coincide and are most prevalent when research subjects think about relationships that they desire rather than relationships that they are currently enmeshed in. They also find that anxiety regarding a specific desired partner predicts other attachment phenomena, such as the extent to which secure-base and safe-haven needs are fulfilled. Most interestingly, they find that attachment anxiety and passionate love coincide for subjects that have just met a potential dating partner and that these feelings predict the likelihood for subjects to contact and pursue these potential partners.

What insight might these findings give to our own relationships? I think this work provides an interesting retort to the question, “Where did all the passion go?” These findings suggest we should be thankful that passion dissipates as it signals a sense of stability in our relationships. Also, it may be that passion is, in many ways, antithetical to a sense of security we’ve found in someone we can rely on. This isn’t to say that passion must dissipate for relationships to survive. Passion thrives in the face of uncertainty. If you want to inspire passion in the relationship without threatening the stability and security you’ve worked so hard for, then you want to make sure that uncertainty means surprise and not disappointment. Be spontaneous with the fun things. Keep the fun things unpredictable and exciting, but be careful to ensure predictability on your part with the important things like support and care-giving in good times and bad.

Further Reading:

Eastwick, P., & Finkel, E. (2008). The attachment system in fledgling relationships: An activating role for attachment anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95 (3), 628-647 DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.95.3.628