Sex and the performance of desire
by Katie Coursolle | January 22nd, 2009Research acknowledges having a pleasurable sex life is important for relationship satisfaction (Michael, et al, 1994). However, scholars increasingly acknowledge that sex is also a common source of concern and conflict for married couples.
In a recent study Elliott and Umberson (2008) performed 62 in-depth interviews on 31 married couples addressing how they experience sex within their marriage. Their sample consisted of mostly middle-aged couples (average age was 53) who have been married for a long period of time (average length was 25 years) in order to better understand the dynamics of intimacy in longer-term marriages. The authors suggest that both husbands and wives engage in emotional work to bring their actual sexual feelings in line with how they think they should be feeling about sex. They call this emotional work “performing desire.”
Both husbands and wives “performed desire” to either help their partner feel better about himself/herself or to avoid conflict, but men and women often differed in the type of emotional work they performed. About two-thirds of the couples noted that husbands had a greater interest in sex than wives, but both husbands and wives felt that sex was important for the relationship. Because of husbands’ greater sexual interest, women were more likely to “perform desire” by trying to increase their sexual desire. Men were more likely to “perform desire” by decreasing their libido or by switching their focus on the quality of sex rather than frequency of sex. Although less common, sometimes wives had a greater desire for sex than their husbands. The wives in this group often “performed desire” by attempting to suppress their sexual desire. The husbands in this group “performed desire” by trying to increase their sexual interest—often by using Viagra or contemplating using Viagra.
Elliott and Umberson note that the process of “performing desire” is complex and often difficult for the couples. For example, many of the husbands in the study wished that their wives were more spontaneous about sex. Being spontaneous required more difficult emotional work for the wives, especially if they were tired due to a larger burden of housework. Some couples felt that the process was beneficial for the relationship whereas others felt some resentment and “performed desire” more as a means to sustain the relationship.
Further Reading:
Sinikka Elliott, Debra Umberson (2008). The Performance of Desire: Gender and Sexual Negotiation in Long-Term Marriages Journal of Marriage and Family, 70 (2), 391-406 DOI: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00489.x
Michael, R. T., Gagnon, J. H., Laumann, E. O., & Kolata, G. (1994). Sex in America: A definitive survey. Boston: Little, Brown.
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January 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I think the most significant area where resentment grows in a marriage has to do with sexual frequency. A lot of women often report that as they get older their sexual desire wanes because they themselves do not feel sexy or they have become much more sensitive about their body issues. Men need to help women feel sexy in order for them to want to be intimate. Perhaps this is the “performing desire” a man needs to consider if they want more sex than their partner is willing to give.
January 24th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
In the above article the authors suggest that both husbands and wives engage in emotional work to bring their actual sexual feelings in line with how they think they should be feeling about sex. They call this emotional work “performing desire.” I believe “Performing desire” must absolutely be done and is the responsibility of both partners regardless of the personal preference of frequency of the sex act.
Before my husband and I married (I’m now widowed) we made a list of all items that needed to be discussed in detail before a marriage would be considered. Of course sex was on the list. We both carefully came to a mutually agreed upon definition of what a “quickie” is, frequency of sex, types of sex acts, sex tools, extramarital sex, group sex, etc. We talked about every concievable issue, neither of us wanted any unexpected surprises or unwanted situations.
One of the basic issues was sexual frequency. We agreed that who ever desired sex should expect to have sex very soon unless the other person was physically too ill . The person who desired sex would give the other a heads up to allow the other person to get with the program (performance desire). For example the husband could call the wife at her work and say, ‘… get ready sweatheart!”
The desirous person could request a quickie or the more extended variety. It was agreed upon that quickies would not comprise more than 50% of sex acts in a month. We also agreed that if we had any disagreements of any kind in our marriage (work, friends, children, etc) that we would never allow the bedroom activity to suffer, witholding was forbidden.
My husband like many men had complained to me that women didn’t want sex as frequently as men. He didn’t know that I enjoy sex apparently much more frequently than most women. During our 13 year long marriage before he passed away, my husband was very pleased to find that our sex life was very full no matter what went on in our lives. For example right after we were married my husband had some difficult office situations. Sex is often a great stress reliever; the first time my husband called me at work to tell me what a bad day he was having at the office he was dumfounded when I told him to leave immediately and I would meet him for a quickie at a hotel near his office. He left his office at 11:15 and was back at his desk at 11:54, his staff immediately noticed the difference and (now) his calm and relaxed demeanor helped to smooth the office crises.
Sex is not everything in a marriage but it ranks very high up on the satisfaction list. Candid open discussion and mutual agreements and the integrity to stand by those agreements (be they concerning sex, money, children or whatever) are essential to a sound healthy marriage no matter wether it is year one or thirty years later. Many people I have counseled through integrity to the wind and fail to honor and respect each other. that is where the beginning of the end of the marriage starts.
Note for the Christian reader, I am a Christian and all that I speak on here is Biblically based.
January 31st, 2009 at 10:03 pm
How do I respond to the questions she may have, and how does she respond to my questions I have?
February 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I,elaine am so sorry that you can’t find me a parter,someone that i can grow to love,and they love me back.I want you to know that i still will go to your site,and i will send a friend or a relationship to you asap.So thanks again i hope and wish that god will bless all of you. So good bye for now elaine…OH Happy Valentine to you and yours.(smile)GOOD BYE
March 1st, 2009 at 10:00 am
I think women want sex more than men realize they do. A person’s approach is paramount to success. If a man realizes we would most likely respond positively if they made it seem we are appreciated for more than a place to plug part “A” into part “B.” Friend’s complain about partners having sex, rolling over and snoring. Women don’t usually want a long drawn out conversation but some snuggling and some positive regard is a good thing. If quality of a sexual experience would increase quanitity in most cases would follow. If men would make it worth our while we’d be more likely to be more than willing to be sexually responsive more often.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I have been married three times and had several long tern relationships. I have found women vary greatly in their response and desire for sex. My experience is over a period of >40 years. The key to a happy sex life is taking the time to properly have it. Sex after the 11 o’clock news isn’t going to satisify either partner for very long. Love making should be a special time. It doesn’t always have to take a lot of preparation. It can vary between very special with bubble baths and champagne to the “whiz bang” while getting dressed for dinner and a movie. It’s important to be spontaneous but to never to forget to have those long special times when you just totally wear each other out!!!
March 18th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
As a woman I think sex is a human need. An it will be meet with satisfaction if both partners mind are in one or focus on it or in there partner and be emotionally connected.
March 25th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Tori,
You hit the nail on the head.
When I was married, I had concerts (sexual) with my partner every night and it was often, the first thing I did when I woke up (a Prelude). The night concerts were Full Symphonies. My partner was always with me (participated) 100%. It was never too much for her!
Trust she will find this kind of a Partner!
Yo’wan
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I like your commit and i do that sex most of my life when im dating cause it feels good to know what your partner is wearing in their clouthes.
sencerily thomas