Why do people with similar marital history get together?
by Amy Strachman | November 10th, 2008In 1998, four never-married persons were available for every one divorced person (Lugaila, 1998). This suggests that about 80% of divorced people should be married to someone that was never married. However, in that same year, the divorced people were married to the never-married people only 50% of the time. Why is there a tendency toward marrying those with a similar marital history?
One possible reason is that divorced people and never-married people are similar in other ways. People tend to marry partners of similar education level, age, and parenthood status (Kalmijn, 1998). This homogamy would likely constrain mating opportunities across marital history because people who are divorced tend to be of similar education, age, and parenthood status (US Census, 1990). Using data from the Panel Study of Income Dynamics (taken during 1985 through 1997), researcher Hiromi Ono examined whether divorced individuals were significantly more likely than never-married individuals to marry someone who has been divorced, and if this effect occurs beyond other possible demographic similarities. Interestingly, the results showed that the tendency toward marital history homogamy is not due to an individual’s tendency to marry people of similar education, age, and parenthood status.
If our tendency to marry people of similar marital history is not simply a function of marrying those with similar age, education, and parenthood status, then what is the reason? Other possibilities have been suggested by researchers. For example, this tendency may be a by-product of constrained mating opportunities across marital history, or in other words, the never-married and the divorced are just less likely to meet in the process of mating. Another possibility is a preference to marry someone of similar marital history. That is, divorced people may prefer other divorced mates because they share an understanding about divorce (Gerstel, 1987). Other reasons include a selection process into divorce (Bumpass & Sweet, 1972), and the impact of divorce on personality and attitudes (Wolfinger, 2003). Regardless of the reasons, this trend remains interesting!
Further Reading:
Bumpass, L., Sweet, J. (1972). Differentials in marital instability:1970 American Sociological Review, 37, 754-766
Gerstel, N. (1987). Divorce and stigma Social Problems, 34, 172-186
Kalmijn, M. (1998). Intermarriage and homogamy: Causes, patterns, trends Annual Review of Sociology, 24, 395-421
Lugaila, T.A. (1998). Marital status and living arrangements CPS Report, 20-514
Ono, H. (2005). Marital history homogamy between the divorced and the never married among non-Hispanic whites Social Science Research, 34 (2), 333-356 DOI: 10.1016/j.ssresearch.2004.04.002
Wolfinger, N. (2003). Family structure homogamy: The effects of parental divorce on partner selection and marital stability Social Science Research, 32 (1), 80-97 DOI: 10.1016/S0049-089X(02)00014-5
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November 19th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Interesting. Does this mean my thrice divorced sister is statistically running out of potential male mates?
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:56 am
I am a widower. When I look at eHarmony profiles, I feel greater empathy for widows than other matches. I have wondered about this myself, and come to the following conclusions (so far):
1) the death of a spouse is an emotionally traumatic event. While I have no illusion that a divorce, especially an acrimonious one, is also a gut-wrenching experience, it is, nevertheless, a *different* experience. I also expect that an unmarried person may very well have had a long-term relationship that ended one way or another, but, once again, this is probably a different experience than my own. I feel that I will be better able to relate to a widow (and she to me), with whom I share a common life event, than someone with a different separation experience.
2) Marriage can be both wonderful and, at times, difficult. If it were never the latter, there wouldn’t be any marriage counselors or divorces. Without placing blame on any divorced woman, I still expect that a person with a long, stable marriage will have been able to weather those difficulties and come away from them (as I have) with both an appreciation of what is needed for a working marriage and some “tools” to help with any difficulties we might have in the future.
In short, I think that people have a preference for others with similar marital backgrounds, because the feel a degree of empathy, based on common experiences.
December 7th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Well said, Bob.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I think that we like, and attract, people who have similar backgrounds because of the common bond that brings. Divorce is one of the most stressful events to endure next to losing your job or the death of a loved one and is often difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t “been there”. I can see why it’s easier for a divorced single to make a connection with another divorced single.
January 24th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Not only as a twice divorced woman, but in my work as a psychiatric nurse, I have formed a rather contrary opinion that divorced should marry others who are divorced or widows should marry widowers. Because so many divorced folks have no closure and often carry along the ’scars’ of the unhealth present in their marital relationships; I would prefer to find a companion who has lost his wife.
Even if that marriage had the typical ups/downs that all relationships do; they frequently have do have 1) closure and 2) their memories particularly as time passes are those of the good times, happy memories of sharing and I feel for that reason, I will specifically look more closely at them as I re- enter the single world.
February 20th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I am 38, divorced and only want to date divorced men. Though I think this article makes some good points, my reason for this it that a man who has committed to marriage is a better mate. In general it has been my expericence that he is more likely to want a committed relationship, is more grounded/mature and has a better station in life than an unmarried man in my age range (35 to 48 years old).
Several profiles I see are of 40 something men who have never been married wanting kids. It is obvious by the way their profiles are written, that they want a woman at least 10 years their junior. I question their desire for children, as well as their ability or desire to have a serious relationship. I think eharmony should include marital status as part of the visible profile.
I’ve met three men on here, all never married and all older than myself. I have yet to know why these guys are on here. Not the best experience to say the least. I am familiar with other dating sites, and weeding out the never-married over 40 makes a big difference in one’s dating expericence.
Does anyone know why eharmony doesn’t include marital status? It is to give the user more matches? I’d rather have quality over quantity.
June 13th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Andrea is right about dating divorced people only. I am divorced and have just started dating again and I am also finding women who have never been married and they are the same age as me {37} don’t seem to understand what I am looking for which is a long term relationship. I am very frustrated to say the least with some of the dates that I have been on. I also wish that eharmony would try to add in divorced or not divorced into the match process. It might make it a little easier to find someone with the same commitment and ideals to a relationship that I am looking for.
September 5th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I agree with Bob C. I am a widow and I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I would love to talk to someone who can empathize and relate to what I went through and for him to be able to find the same in me. When you have a loving, happy, long marriage (26 years for us) the death of your spouse is a shocking, life changing experience. In a loving marriage you learn to be empathetic, compassionate and to compromise with your spouse’s needs. All these qualities lead to a long marriage. I believe I would more likely find these qualities in a widower who also had a happy, long marriage than in any other man, at our age (48)
I think the preference for others with similar marital backgrounds is due to our perception of who would be more likely to make us happy.
EHARMONY SHOULD disclose marital status !!