Do nice guys really finish last?
by Amy Strachman | August 21st, 2008The “nice guy stereotype” asserts that women often say they wish to date kind, sensitive men, but in reality still choose to date “jerks” over nice guys, especially if these men are more physically attractive. In short, women in today’s society are believed to display behaviors that are contradictory to their attitudes in regards to whom they want to date. These nice guys are relegated to being “just friends” while the less agreeable men are favored regardless of how they treat the woman. Is this stereotype true?
Most studies of mate preferences have shown that women at least say they desire nice guys. When asked to rank-order the attributes that they find most desirable in a mate, kindness is one of the most desired attributes in a romantic partner, especially by women (Buss & Barnes, 1986). Researchers Geoffrey Urbaniak and Peter Kilmann put the nice guy stereotype to the test. One hundred and ninety-one male college students had their picture taken and completed a measure of their agreeableness as an indication of their level of kindness/niceness. These men also were asked about their success in casual dating and committed relationships. Twenty female participants rated each man’s photograph as the measure of physical attractiveness.
The results showed that in the casual dating context, physical attractiveness was a significant predictor of relationship success but was equivalent in magnitude to niceness/agreeableness. Further, neither physical attractiveness nor agreeableness predicted success in committed relationship contexts. Interestingly, the authors also tested the nice guy/low attractive group against the less agreeable/high attractive group. They found that the attractive, less agreeable guys did in fact report significantly more success in casual dating contexts but there was no difference in the committed relationship context. Thus, while it appears there may be no clear advantage of being a nice guy, they may not always finish last, particularly with regards to committed relationships.
Further Reading:
Buss, D., Barnes, M. (1986). Preferences in human mate selection. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(3), 559-570.
Urbaniak, G.C., Kilmann, P.R. (2006). Niceness and Dating Success: A Further Test of the Nice Guy Stereotype. Sex Roles, 55(3-4), 209-224. DOI: 10.1007/s11199-006-9075-2
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August 21st, 2008 at 11:24 am
Anyway, if casual interaction is to be a preliminary for a committed relationship (and I think it is), jerks are favored. It is somehow predicted by evolutionnary biology and theories of sexual selection : females display preference for the bright males (on physical criterions).
What would have been usefull is to conduct the test on a greater sample (with more than 20 women) with regard to position on the menstrual cycle, because it impacts on what kind of men women are attracted by : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/376321.stm
It’s sad to see that this study, despite an interesting goal, lack these points…
August 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
[...] étude publiée récemment dans le Journal of Personality and Social Psychology essaie de répondre à une question fatidique [...]
August 21st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Hi Amy!
Anecdotal evidence in my life says this is TOTALLY wrong. Women love bad boys, especially good looking ones. My experience in my 35+ years of dating women is they will put up with all sorts of mental, verbal, and yes, physical abuse from a stud rather than have a relationship with someone who’ll treat them as special but who is not particularly attractive (or down right unattractive).
I would be wary of ANY study coming from academia as I do not think men and women in college are ‘typical’ of men and women who lead more blue collar lives or hourly worker type lives. I believe the better educated people are the more likely they are to appreciate others for traits other than looks.
But my views are purely anecdotal.
August 31st, 2008 at 5:32 am
This topic got me thinking as to why I prefer a good looking who is somewhat of a bad boy vs. a clean cut, but maybe not so good looking & very good guy. I was married to the latter, and I considered him in that respect boring. So therefore my preference for the aforementioned bad boy would have to be because of the excitement that they convey, the challenge it may take to win such a guy over into my life and the thrill of having someone who isn’t afraid to be a bit gutsy. In my opinion, I think it makes them a little more masculine vs. the good guy. Sort of like the little girl with her pretty dress who doesn’t dare go near the mud and a boy who is out there getting into all kinds of dirt and having a ball.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
When I was a bad boy, I was with beautiful women. Now that I am calmed down, successful, educated, have more time to spend with a wonderful woman, and can give them more attention I am overlooked like an old shoe! I know of some men that are balding, overweight, cheat on their wives, have bad hygiene, and are players whom women are attracted to more that me. I know of one guy that is big, dopey, emotionally frozen, and communicates with “Ugs” and “Ums” and he has dated every woman in a band of beautiful women. And even though they talk bad about him behind his back, the next one still ends up dating him? Amazing what I have seen. This is but a snippet.
November 1st, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Bad boys are a bad choice. Only good boys need apply to this pretty lady.
November 5th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I think that Linda hit it right-on. The bad-boy is perceived as exciting and masculine, whereas the nice guy is perceived as boring and wimpy. So, while us guys see almost every woman claiming that what she MOST wants is “integrity, honesty, kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, etc.” those things are really take a back seat to excitement and protection (masculine = protection). The corollary to that in the converse, is female physical beauty, because that’s perceived as happy, feminine, sexy, healthy, vital, and just basically having a lot to offer a man.
But the problem with both of those, is that the image rarely turns out to be reality. I.e., the wild “bad boy” ends up being a self-centered jerk who causes the woman far more pain than excitement, and far more of a sense of vulnerability, when the relationship goes through hard times. In short, the bad boy doesn’t know how to care about other people, and that includes his wife (although I think that women fool themselves into thinking that he’ll care about her, even though he doesn’t care about anyone else). And likewise the beautiful woman. Don’t get me wrong, I like female beauty every bit as much as the next guy — it’s a gift to us men. But I’m old enough and wise enough to know that the beauty on the outside doesn’t necessarily match beauty on the inside. And given the choice (although every man would rather have both) I’ll take beauty on the inside, because that’s going to bring more long-term peace, joy, and harmony, than beauty on the outside but a big mess on the inside.
One more point should be added here: I don’t accept that physical attractiveness of men is that significant factor for women. Much more significant would be money, and maybe power. A man with a lot of money and power is as sexy to women, as is a beautiful woman to men.
If women truly want to “find the love of their life” then they need to be more honest with themselves about what they want. And they may not even know, in which case, they need to do some serious soul-searching to figure it out. Otherwise, you’re wasting a lot of time, effort, and money, sending out messages of what you say you want, but in the final analysis, it isn’t what you want.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Good looks can be a curse. So many cut price souvenirs. And I’m still alone. Looking forward to more lies and false promises, and the occasional threat by the new ape on the block because she doesn’t have the courage to tell me directly.
I’ve found some women get so screwed up about an end to a relationship that they prefer to live alone for the rest of their lives. Nice for old cats.
Ladies, the guy in the corner may look glum and antisocial, but then again maybe he’s just very shy, and could be quite fun if you got know him.
You can’t judge a book by its cover.
[My opinions are based on my personal experiences.]
November 30th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I think a woman wants the good, honest, respectful guy. But they also want a guy that will try something new. The “nice guy” stereotype is often a man that has too much of a pattern, and is afraid to change that. The “bad boy” can be unpredictable, bringing an air of spontenaiety.
Also, the “nice guy” often makes the mistake of being too repectful. Respect is good, but some take it so far as to almost turn off their sexuality completely. This gives the woman the impression that he is not really interested. The “bad boy” is often overly self-centered, so natually, their focus is primarily on sex and other forms of personal gratification on many levels. This gives a woman a false sense that he is interested in her, after all, he has been checking her out from the start.
Then there is the fact that a “nice guy” may give the impression of being weak, afraid to stand up for what he believes in, and unsure of his own opinion. The “bad boy” appears confident, determined, and acts strong. Normally, this is due to the “bad boy” not caring about others’ viewpoints, and determined to do what they want, regardless of the effect it has on others. Once again, it can be difficult to see the truth of the matter right away.
All in all, I think woman do want the sensitive, compassionate, loving guy, they just want to make sure he has a backbone, is willing to try new things, and is in touch with his sexuality, and therefore can please them too. Just my take, I’m a man though, so i might have missed it totally.
December 8th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
I have always been attracted to nice guys, and have never liked jerks. My dad was a nice, fun, outgoing guy, and that’s what I’m drawn to.
“Nice guy” is often associated with someone who’s also a wimp, or boring, or just lacking in confidence. None of this is necessarily true. There are wonderful men out there who are kind, self aware, confident, who love and respect women. And they have no problem getting women to love and respect them back.
This study is very limiting, because it’s not saying what kind of women are attracted to what. Sure, there are plenty of women who are only attracted to bad boys. But if a woman reaches a certain level of depth and self-esteem, she won’t accept anyone who treats her badly.
So in my opinion, if you want a partner who is sexy, confident, interesting, exciting, and KIND, simply because they love people and the world around them, then be that type of person and that’s what you attract.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Women prefer bad boys. End of story. Sometimes those women grow up. Sometimes though when they do, it’s too late.
March 27th, 2009 at 1:51 am
“the wild “bad boy” ends up being a self-centered jerk who causes the woman far more pain than excitement, and far more of a sense of vulnerability, when the relationship goes through hard times. In short, the bad boy doesn’t know how to care about other people,” Don, been there, done that, and the pain was so great that I have about decided not to even look at pictures anymore, LOL! Physical attraction is a must for both sexes, however, and a nice guy can be a looker as well. In fact, if he doesn’t see himself as attractive or sexy, and by that, I mean not flaunting it like a bad boy would, I find that all the more alluring, a HUGE bonus for him. It is NEVER too late to grow up, and never too late to find your nice guy. And certainly what is boring for one gal may not be for another. The “bad guy” I most recently dated wanted a make-up laden fashion diva, and suggested this to me on a couple of occasions. I told him to go get her. I am a well dressed 50-something who doesn’t need nor want that sort of disrespect, and it has to be stopped even before it gets started. I will take the nice guy anyday….
March 28th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
See you!
Your, Raiul
April 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I am amazed at how considerate and just plain decent a man can be and how TERRIBLY that same man is treated by nearly everyone.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:25 am
What I have experienced is when you are pretty and nice the guys don’t know how to respond, all situations being different depending on your location. At work it depends on my position being the manager they are all nice, in the line at Walmart a good looking guy want speak and a average on down will be so nice. I have even had them say,( how can you be so nice and pretty) like they were expecting me to be a snob. Whats the deal? Can’t there be nice looking and nice people all in one? Yes, there can be it’s a choice to be a snob or nice. Remember we get what we give it’s our choice on whether we settle for the wrong ones for the wrong reasons.
May 3rd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I’m a bit late coming into this conversation, but I have to say that I agree with Patrick’s post. On the flip side, I can’t believe how many good-looking, kind guys I know who put up with game-playing, bitchiness, and just crap in general from women. And not even drop-dead gorgeous women at that. Sometimes it’s so puzzling why people are attracted to certain types (bad boys, mean women, etc.). I am convinced that guys - even “nice guys” - don’t want nice girls. Perhpas they too want the thrill of the chase, the drama that goes along with dating someone who isn’t always upfront or kind.
Honestly though, I think there’s nothing hotter than a great guy who is kind, genuine, available, funny, etc., who is totally into me, and who I can be totally myself with. That’s sexy.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:12 am
absolutly not , it depends on ones conotation as to whats last. many nice guys finish the race . true some may finish before he does but he finishes.
i see alot of advice based on personal expeirences but they tend to be biased one way or another depending on if it was a good or bad relationship or not. what i don’t see is info given that can actually help the nice guy land the girl without insulting the hell out of him.
i’m absolutly for the nice guy, reason being i was one and still am but i was snatched up by a nice girl before i could do anymore damage to my self esteem (lol). she chased me and i was the one wondering if i wanted to get involved with her or not. fortunatly i made the right decession almost 40yrs now married. it helps to be equally yoked also we’re both christians both were shy and alot of other stuff you don’t need top know. (lol).
ok nice guys are never told about body language of girls which gives signals out (subconsciencely or delibertly) all this info on body language can be found on the internet free. why aren’t nice guys told aboput body language
its a secret that girls/women prefered that men didn’t know. why do you think they can read men so well. we guys send out body language as well and their better at interpreting it than we are. ok, occassionally this includes the nice girls also they are not familiar with mens body language so they have know idea if a (nice,shy )guy likes them or not. same goes for the nice guy .
the nice guy(pardon me here guys ,this may be the only small bad thing i may say here ,but i was qiulty of it also) we get fixated on one particular girl(that supposed dream girl) you know the one that puts us in the freind zone so readly. because we are (presumed ,assumed,and all the other negative things said by many of the girls. (note here this doesn’t apply to all girls/women so no flaming here ok, its just to those that are and do these kind of things to guys) as said we get fixated on this one girl and we start wearing blinders so to speak . and some of the nice cute/good looking girls see’s us pining after this (that girl we have pined after fixated on) and we miss the body language of girls that would really like to go out with us if we only knew and realized that they were broadcasting sometimes big time at us. for example guys a girl that may be talking in a group or even just between the two of you she’s swirling her hair around her fingers while speaking to you sometimes it can be with eye contact if in a group or maybe not if just between the two of you. (if your alone with here and she’s speaking to you and swirling her hair around her finger(s) she likes you guys. if in a group and she’s looking at you and the hair thing guys she’s flirting with you. (this in many cases is a subconscience thing tand she may not even realize at the time she’s doing it.) if her eyes are dialilated large
while looking at you thats a good indication also she interested in you(just be aware that if your in a darken room say at a bar or night club this may only be because of the darken room but if their are other signals in the mix also then that can be a good sin also. ever see a girl/women with a shoe balanced on the end of her toe (sort of like playing with it and flipping it up and down with little thrusts) if she’s looking at you at the time she is definitly into you.
ok the above is little things that we as nice (shy,quiet,nerds,geeky,and any other terms we may be known as) that we knew possibbly nothing of . and to the nice girls some of the above info (check out on line body language of guys ,you may be surprised by how much we guys broadcast signals also (however we do it at times unknowingly and subconscienecly just as you girls do.)
so whats this all boiling down to alot of the above statements are crap and really plays no importance or even helps a nice guy know why he can’t seem top get a break in the dating scene. hmmmm…. wonder why now guys . don’t believe me ,check out … do a google search on girls/womens body language . then print it out and go someplace you know were guys and girls go to hook up so to speak. watch the guys and the girls and how the girls body language says weither their interested in the guy or not. how can we fiqure out if the girls not interested in the guy (by those body language signs/signals she does and yes their are those also guys) you may even get a chuckle or two at seeing some dude thinking he’s being so smooth being turned down by her body language. also note guys if she’s giving out all the positive signals if the guy gets with her or not.
if any of you guys were like me when i was in high school you may have been shy(paranoid , afraid of rejection because it happened so many times, that you were realy hesitant about approaching a girl for any reason )
well if you checked out any of the web sites that gave this girls body language and you actualy (military term here ) recon the situation.
and found that it actually works . would you be as hesitant to ask a girl out
knowing with about a 90% or better that you would get a date make you feel more confident. hmmmm…