My friend and her husband were recently at a party. Somehow, everyone all started talking about different fears over dinner. To my friend’s surprise, her husband tells the people about a strong fear that SHE has. She doesn’t like telling people about this issue at all. And to make matters worse, her husband made fun of her for having this fear, saying it is completely irrational and silly and that she needs to get over it. My friend forgave her husband for this but I was not so quick to forgive.

In this month’s issue of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Jeffrey Green and colleagues explored this phenomenon, known as “third party forgiveness.” They found that indeed, third parties (such as close friends) report being less forgiving than first parties (the victims). The victims feel more negative emotions about the offense than the friends, but despite these upset feelings, they are more willing to forgive.

Why are friends less forgiving than the victims themselves?

Green et al. suggests a few different reasons for why a friend may be less forgiving. First, the close friends are more likely to make negative attributions about the perpetrator, such as “they did it on purpose” and “they will do it again in the future.” These negative attributions definitely make it more difficult to forgive and forget. Second, close friends are less committed to the perpetrator, and therefore, do not feel the same desire or need to forgive. Victims feel commitment to their partner and this increases their motivation to overlook these transgressions. Third, friends tend to perceive the offense as more severe than the victims, and this may also make it more difficult for them to forgive.

Interestingly, this research also found that if the perpetrator apologized to the victim, close friends were more likely to forgive. So the lesson to take away from this…if you hurt your partner, you may have TWO people upset with you so apologize!

Further Reading:

Green, J.D., Burnette, J.L., & Davis, J.L. (2008). Third-party forgiveness: (Not) forgiving your close other’s betrayer. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34, 407-118.