Rejection Sensitivity and Breakup…sometimes it really is you
by Heather Setrakian | January 14th, 2008I was thinking about a recent posting about rejection from our Advice section, in where someone was writing in asking for help on how to overcome anxiety when first meeting someone, and I was wondering how that applied to people who are already in a relationship. Does the anxiety stop after that initial meet-and-greet is over and you’ve got the number? If you’re a person prone to “rejection sensitivity” the answer is sadly no. Those high in rejection sensitivity often behave in ways that undermine their relationship- even to the point of breakup. Even in a relationship that starts out well, partners high in rejection sensitivity often anxiously expect to be rejected, prompting them to look for it in ambiguous behaviors.
According to research on the topic, those high in rejection sensitivity perceive intentional rejection in these situations as impending doom of the relationship (instead of a potentially natural progression in relationship phases). Did your partner do something that seems ambiguous or slightly insensitive? If a new partner hasn’t returned your phone call(s) on the same day and you think he’s mad at you, or if you get really jealous when she speaks about a male co-worker…you may qualify as being high on rejection sensitivity.
I can already hear it now- “but he really is withdrawn!” Maybe…or maybe he’s just tired and needs some space. Do you consistently think of these patterns in all your relationships? Those high in rejection sensitivity exaggerate their partner’s dissatisfaction and desire to leave the relationship. They also generally feel insecure and unhappy about their relationship and typically respond to perceived rejection with hostility, diminished support, or jealous, controlling behavior. This behavior has a tendency to create a negative spiral, especially for women, known as the “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Those who are high in rejection sensitivity react with more hostility and negativity during conflict- thereby leaving their partners more angry and dissatisfied with the relationship afterwards. Men high on rejection sensitivity tend to act more controlling and jealous- especially in social situations where others are looking.
Are you trigger-happy on the controlling/defensive action, the three month break up, or the supremely negative conflict? It’s possible you may be unraveling the relationship on your own.
Further Reading:
Downey, Geraldine, Feldman, Scott I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70 (6), 1327-1343
Downey, G., Freitas, A.L., Michaelis, B., and Khouri, H. (1998). The self-fulling prophecy in close relationships: Rejection-sensitivity and rejection by romantic partners Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75 (2), 545-560
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April 17th, 2008 at 2:23 am
So that’s my problem
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:07 am
It took me many years until I realized I have RS. It’s became less of an issue once I was aware of it, but I almost destroyed a great relationship because of it.
I still struggle with it at times, but I try to cope by either distracting myself or focusing on possible more positive reasons why my significant other is acting in what I perceive to be a rejecting manner.
Somebody wrote that sometimes an empty email inbox is only an empty email inbox.
October 26th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Fascinating,
This would explain a lot of my relationship issues. I’ve always been aware that I am a jealous type, but this article explains a lot. Guess, I’ll have to buckle down on my reactions.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:52 am
Wow this is such an eye-opener for me to read - feels like the penny has finally dropped and suddenly I can see a pattern and a truth in all my past relationships. I used to feel this way about all relationships and interactions but as the years have gone by, I only experience this with the opposite sex (not limited to, but mostly with, romantic relationships). Now I can see why my “craziness” has never made sense to others but feels so real and debilitating to me.
But what I need to find out is how to cope with RS….
February 22nd, 2009 at 5:37 am
I stumbled across a paper on RS in a psych journal and it was a real eye opener. RS contributed to my divorce and I almost destroyed a great relationship later because of it. Luckily, I kept reminding myself about it when I felt the RS reactions starting and modified my behaviour.
Funny though - an empty email inbox still makes me edgy.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
The penny has just dropped after reading this article. RS has distroyed so many of my personal relationships over the years, I have just recently lost the love of my life and it is all down to this - we are both rejection sensitive. The power this has over me is frightening, I have hunted for months to find the answer to this voice in my head telling me to expect the worst. Now i know what it is I shall beat it!