Comments on: Is Love Worth Loss?

By: Craig

Craig — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:18:30 +0000

Love at first sight..followed by the most wonderful unfolding..
Then bamm..it’s gone..taken by fear..by strings..by distancem indecision.
What are the words to describe how it feels to have loved and lost..a soulmate..a dead on soulmate?
I have looked for a heart of gold for years..and it seems trite to just say..’thats Life’, thats how it goes, easy come easy ro..and a multitude of other platitudes..quite simply..My heart is completely broken..period.

By: Anonymous2

Anonymous2 — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:27:40 +0000

I think we have to take the risk – it would be against human nature not to but the pain I have gone through following a break-up initiated by him has been so deep that I now feel damaged in some way. The pain is deeper because of regret over not having taken the opportunity to get married but put it off, lived together instead. We had both loved each other very deeply and had a very good partnership on every level – intellectual, emotional, sexual. I only needed to fall in love once in a lifetime and then that would be for keeps. I know how special that is. To lose it is unbearable, especially when it was one’s own weakness that caused love to flee. I guess I don’t regret it because I felt truly loved, special and had the happiest years of my life with that person sharing everything as we had such similar interests. But the pain once they are gone is so severe that you almost wish you hadn’t known what happiness was. And you know that replacing them is impossible and that finding that kind of love again may not be possible either as it was special because it was with that person. They may have been able to do the dance with someone else but if you are the one that is left it is totally devastating. I think if you have been blessed with many years together perhaps as husband and wife that can be viewed as a blessing. If your future is snatched from you after just 5 years when you thought you’d be together forever it doesn’t feel so much like a blessing. More a curse as you were only getting started. You still have so much of your life you have to get through but it seems like more of an endurance than a pleasure as you’ve got to start all over again. That is a very bitter pill to swallow. But I don’t see an alternative. We have to love. We are human, we will mistakes. But in the end I guess I am glad to have such a rich experience. I am terrified though that the rest of my life will now always be a bit of a disappointment and never quite measure up to that time of my life ( I am in my early 40s).

By: cybersmoker

cybersmoker — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:26:08 +0000

WOW! I agree with anonymous.

Having a love that was thought to be forged with iron, only to discover that it was paper. That at the first glimmer or inclination of something “better”, the other half of you would disappear with a “sorry, it just wasn’t meant to be” and/or the dreaded “I love you, but am not in love with you”.

How could I love someone else? Especially since I don’t know what love is, or this situation would not exist.

Trust is the one thing love does not heal.

Was it better to have loved and lost?
Besides the 2 jewels that live with me from day to day, I have to say no. They are what keep me from regretting what happened. The choices I made and continue to do so, primarily for their benefit.

I should have listened to my instincts which told me I was too young and naive to go down that road.

Yet my instincts are what lead me to this point.

So where does that leave me now?

“The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate.”- Jeremiah 17:9

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 21:46:42 +0000

It almost wasn’t worth it, despite the fact that it made me who I am today. I could have lived without the pain and depression and not to mention all that wasted time that I wish I could have gotten back.
Even though there were highlights in having loved, every time my mind flows back to the moments I’ve spent with that person that I loved, I always feel a looming regret deep within. Love, to me, is not only a dream, but a nightmare. It taught me loneliness, it taught me how to fear, it taught me weakness, and everything else in contrast to love after having lost. I have spent more time grieving than I have smiling over what happened, even though 7 years have already passed since that person left my side.
I don’t think I can love anyone else. Not that I don’t want to, but my heart has shut off the prospect of having someone else. When you lose something very precious, it can never be replaced. I think that person will always be the only person I’ve loved and lost. In some ways, it was worth it, and in many other ways, it wasn’t.

By: Mary

Mary — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 14:14:57 +0000

Oh my. Yes, it certainly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Anything less than the full blown emotion/connection/partnership simply pales in comparison.

By: Rene

Rene — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 04:02:40 +0000

My husband of 27 years (30 years since we started dating) passed away in Oct. 2006. It was the most devastating experience I could imagine. We were true soul-mates. While we were both “popular” during our high school and college years, both of us seemed to be looking for the right match – and we found it in each other. Almost immediately compatible, in every sense, the closeness that we experienced from early in our relationship continued to grow in depth and complexity throughout the wonderful marriage we shared. The love we had for each other was so evident to others that we both were told spontaneously on numerous occasions that we had the sort of marriage others envied. We were best friends, totally loyal to each other, always faithful, truly respectful of the few differences we had and very aware that what we had was a unique and special relationship. Would I trade having this to eliminate the sadness losing him has brought? Never. I am a much better person for having had him in my life. He taught me so many things, one of the most precious being true appreciation of the simple pleasures of life. The best is that it is remarkable, spiritual, so fulfilling, so amazing to have true love in your life, to make children together for whom you can model that sort of love. If I could do it again, knowing what we would have together, and knowing the outcome, I wouldn’t hesitate. I am very well aware that I will not likely marry again. I know I’ll not have another love like this one. That’s OK. I had this one great love, the love of a lifetime, the sort of love people write books about, that people dream of having, that others recognize and envy and strive to achieve. I had it. I lived it. I would never change it. But I would give nearly anything to have had it longer. I don’t know that I have any suggestions for how to best manage such experiences. I have depended heavily on the support that my family and our good friends have provided for me. I have a strong faith, although I admit I have often questioned God’s wisdom and reason in “allowing” this to happen as it did. I have tried to follow my mother’s strong and graceful lead (we lost my father 6 weeks before my husband): do what you think they would expect us to do and live life as they would desire and expect of us. They would not want us to be sad or miserable. I have continued to work and spend much time with family and friends. I am just now beginning to come out of the fog, and I am a long way from achieving clarity about any sort of future. I just keep trying to think “What would he want me to do? How would he want me to act? How can I live in such a way that the wonderful love we shared continues to be and represents to others what real love is like? How can I honor him by my life?” He is still my reason for living. He always will be.

By: Aileen

Aileen — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 01:27:03 +0000

Hi Steve,

My first response to this is absolutely. (I speak from the perspective of being divorced, having a child with a chronic illness and living abroad for twelve years. I have friends and colleagues in a variety of different professions.)

But let me qualify that with, it depends.

There are some people for whom the severity and pain of a loss is so great that it breaks and tinges them in a way, and going forward is hard because they have to create a whole new definition and they see it as something integral has been lost- ok now I am me, but lacking my arm. (People who learn to survive rough patches find that when it comes down to brass tacks you pretty much can and do go it alone- once you get that you can, it is not so hard to keep at itand accept people come and go through your lives and it is a beauty to know them when you do…)

But I think it really comes down to the person’s perspective on life and relationships (ok the books in my head right now are Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking- that talks about loss and strength in such raw beauty – well read it, just read it. And Our Town- you know the scene where she pleads with the characters to just look at each other- also there is a lot of this kind of dynamic in Hardy’s work- quite a few moments in Tess)…

If you look at life and the chance to spend time with someone as a gift- a privilege, then in a way you know it can be gone- because that is just the way life is – having a terrible experience gives you the insight to remember to live with your eyes open because you have that deep awareness of life as a finite experience that ends. Then you don’t diddle about wasting the time you have, or get locked up in- the person I loved is gone (anbd I am left with only 1 yea we had together…) and now I am gone too.

You look at it and say, wow that was lovely and beautiful, and now I am here and will find a different way to make things lovely and beautiful again.

Here is another perspective that might help- you can’t repeat a moment- even if you go to the same place and sit in the same dress- the you that was there 2 years ago is not the one who sits there today.

Ultimately what I have found, by speaking with a lot of people who have encountered loss ranging from spouse to finances to their job- was that if you accept- this is an experience and I felt it I lived it and I learn from it- then there is not that sounding sense of – it wasn’t worth it.

I guess the problem I find with research (and with all due respect, some of the ways the questions are formulated here) is that yes you are measuring and checking- but overly finite on the minutiae without getting a sense of how to look at and evaluate the larger picture. Sometimes the problem with sciences is we set up the wrong questions- and then we can’t find what we need to know.

Sometimes the most effective to find an answer is to recast the key question, and really sit back and say- well now what is it I am trying to learn and then build from there. A double blind RCT study is only as good as the -question- it asks.

Just a thought. Again, loss is ‘worth it’ if you see it as an experience, and that love that you lost as a part of a moment as opposed to the flesh and core of who you are… But worth it sounds so- I dunno, the wrong way to phrase it- you meet someone to know them and to touch them not to have your own self validated become whole. Does loss really deeply hurt- even physically- yes, but life is an alive thing we live…

Hope that helps.

Kindest regards…

By: Robert

Robert — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 17:32:35 +0000

After my wife of 17 years passed last year the pain was overwhelming and sometimes can still be. Like the theory of relativity, equal and opposite reaction, I believe the amount of pain is equal to how strong the bond is between partners. The idea of “If we had never met I wouldn’t feel this way” never crossed my mind at all. Like the Garth Brookes song “I could have missed the pain, but then I would have had to miss the dance”. It was a beautiful 17 year dance.

By: Free

Free — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 02:21:06 +0000

Is it better to have loved and loss? Yes, of course. Love is like nourishment to the soul…God is love, Love produces children, and when we love unconditionally we learn things about ourselves that we would not have otherwise learned. In fact, that is why sometimes when love leaves we wonder if it was worth it …it was. I have loved and loss and long to love again…but in the meantime…love has taught me how to love myself and life.

PostScript: I believe that True Love leaves a bitterSweet afterglow. Only counterfeit love leaves us wondering whether it was worth it or not.