When you ask just about anyone in Western society what to value about people, most will say something like it is “what’s on the inside that counts” or “don’t judge based on appearance,” and yet everyone- secretly or openly- wishes to be prettier, thinner, more sociable, and more popular. And if you’re about to disagree take a look at the cover of just about any magazine. Society reveres these people. And why not? Back in the nomadic days these traits were easy to spot and pretty useful when deciding on a mate. Today they are still valuable: good looking people have a tendency to be more sociable, confident and popular. It’s just a harsh truth that we all learned in junior high (dammit).

Western society, at least, is heavily influenced by their social surroundings. Even those that state they couldn’t care less about the opinion of others are hurt when they are rejected. Researchers at the University of Waterloo wanted to study how individuals make social choices based upon the potential for acceptance into a certain group. Since certain groups require different traits in order to receive acceptance, people will will gauge their self-esteem based upon their perceived possession of those certain traits. People generally (and outside of their awareness) link and moderate their self-esteem based on traits that will garner acceptance from others, a concept the researchers referred to as the attunement of self-esteem. In essence, if you are the fastest runner in a group of cross-country track stars, then you consequently value your athleticism and have high self-esteem. However, running skills aren’t going to do you any good if you’re trying out for the chess club. If you can’t play chess, then most likely you won’t be accepted into the chess club, and (provided that’s what you wanted) you’ll suffer a blow to your self-esteem.

How does this relate to popularity and attractiveness? The researchers proposed two groups of traits: social commodities such as popularity, physical attractiveness, and social skills those obvious and readily observable traits and communal qualities typically thought of as being an internal value- such as kindness, warmth, and honesty and responsiveness. They asked individuals which are more important when “others” are choosing friends or what criteria “others” use to evaluate others, and found that sure enough people understand that social commodities (attractiveness, sociability) have more social value than traits such as kindness or warmth. Yet people are still hesitant to admit they personally use this criteria, stating that while they see “others” valuing this criteria, they value communal qualities more. And we are all great drivers that never speed, too.

In order to address this denial, the researchers conducted a few more studies. They looked at how people with varying level of self-esteem are able to make decisions about joining a social group based upon initial feedback that group gave them. Participants from a previous mass-testing study were recruited for a second study. They took an additional test on self-esteem, so researchers could later differentiate those with high and low self-esteem. Participants viewed videos of a “market-research group” they were supposedly being recruited to join. They were also told that this group was was given a sample of the participant’s responses on their psychology questionnaire (which the participant had actually filled out in a previous study). With the identity of the participant removed, the group wrote out feedback about the participant, which was then given to the participant by the recruiter. These “hand-written notes” supposedly from the group members (actually the researchers) had either feedback that stressed the participants sociability and popularity (i.e., social commodities) or kindness, honesty, and supportiveness (i.e., communal qualities).

Those with low self-esteem were more likely to express interest in joining the group that gave them the feedback stressing their popularity and sociability over their kindness and warmth. The results further illustrate that those with lower self-esteem pay attention to this kind of feedback, since it may be a better indicator of liking and acceptance in the group. Those with high self esteem were unaffected by the feedback types (although this may only be because they have had enough validation of their possession of socially valuable traits in the past that they don’t need the feedback). It seems that those participants that believed they possessed little of these socially valuable traits (and these traits were perceived as valuable to gain acceptance) were more affected by feedback that emphasized these traits over others. Essentially self-esteem is affected by our perceived possession of the traits that are valuable and will garner acceptance in a specific social role (despite whether they are actually meaningful).

So are we all looking for popularity and social skills? Basically yes. But take heart, depending on what the social role demands, individuals will also place more weight on other traits. Even those with low self-esteem still valued those traits that were reflective of their internal values. When in social roles that emphasize the importance of communal qualities such as warmth and kindness for social acceptance (e.g., romantic relationships), people’s self-esteem are also attuned to their beliefs about their possession of those traits.

Further Reading:

Anthony, D.B., Holmes, J.G., and Wood, J.V. (2007). Social acceptance and self-esteem: Tuning the sociometer to interpersonal value. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 6, 1024-1039.