Why Do You Have Sex?
by Amy Strachman | September 22nd, 2007
You meet that special someone. You talk, you date, oh and did I mention that you two have amazing chemistry in the bedroom! As time goes by though, that chemistry seems to fizzle and what was once amazing is now…well…a little boring. This is actually quite common. As relationships progress, the sexual desire and satisfaction tends to decrease over time. How can you make sure that the sexual desire in your relationship doesn’t fall by the wayside?
In an upcoming issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, my colleagues and I found that one way to prevent the usual decrease in sexual desire is to adopt approach-oriented goals as opposed to avoidance-oriented goals in your relationship. Approach goals are focused on obtaining the good result. For example, having sex “to express love for your partner” is an approach sexual goal whereas having sex “to prevent angering or upsetting your partner” is an avoidance sexual goal. Similarly, wanting to “deepen my relationship with my romantic partner” is an approach relationship goal whereas wanting to “make sure nothing bad happens to my relationship” is an avoidance relationship goal. In other words, approach goals want something good to happen and avoidance goals don’t want anything bad to happen.
Everyone has their own unique style for both of these dimensions. For example, it’s possible to be high in approach goals AND high in avoidance goals. Research has shown that people who are high in approach and low in avoidance tend to feel better about themselves and their relationship. That is, people who engage with others in order to improve their relationship and do not feel like they have to act in certain ways just to keep bad things from happening – these are the people who are happiest with themselves and their relationships. People who are highly engaged with others out of a sense of enjoyment and growth, these are the most satisfied persons.
And now, as a result of this new research we have done, there is compelling evidence that shows these dimensions impact our sexual relationships as well. And most encouragingly, our findings give us some very useful information on which people have the most rewarding sex lives.
How can these goals affect our sexual desire? Well, in our research, we found that people who think of their relationship in terms of approach-oriented goals (such as we described above) were able to extend the good times and weather the bad times. Everyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that there are good days and bad days; sometimes life brings difficult times, sometimes we just don’t feel as engaged with our partner as other times. And these ups and downs inevitably take their toll on our sex life. If it is one of those days when your partner is really getting on your nerves, usually the last thing you want to do is have sex. However, highly approach-oriented people tend to not let these bad days affect their sexual desire nearly as much as other people. People who enjoy reaching out to others in order strengthen their relationship have much more resilient sex lives. Even during hard times, they continue to enjoy the unique bond that sex brings to a relationship. Additionally, there are some days when you and your partner just “click” and these times usually come with heightened sexual urges. Again, highly approach-oriented people are more likely to take advantage of these good days and feel even greater sexual desire.
Although the entire study was much more involved than what I am presenting here, the take home message is fairly direct and easy to understand. While we may not all be approach oriented persons at our basic core, we all can take the time to reach out to others with a positive and caring intention. We can plan a day at the beach with our partner or even just take the time to get together for lunch just to show each other we really do care. And in demonstrating to each other our enjoyment in the other’s happiness and satisfaction, we are building the kind of relationship where a dynamic sex life will flourish.
Impett, E., Strachman, A., Finkel, E., & Gable., S. (in press). Maintaining sexual desire and sexual satisfaction: The importance of approach relationship goals. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology.
So take a moment and think about the goals in your relationship and sex life. Most people never have and you may be surprised by what you see. Are you approach oriented or avoidance oriented and is it different in your relationship than in your sex life? Take this short survey to find out, and leave us a comment to let us know!
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September 26th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
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September 26th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
This was an informative survey! Thank you for thetime spent to help those who need help.
September 29th, 2007 at 3:08 am
I agree with Darlene, this was very informative and thought-provoking. I’ll take the observations to heart.Thank you.
October 10th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
most interesting and helpful….very good feedback…like watching
yourself on camera to catch your mistakes.etc. thank you, june
October 11th, 2007 at 4:47 am
Hello,
This is just to lovingly comment that a Christian couple dating
should wait until after marriage to have sex. That is, if the couple
truly believes the Bible is the inspired word of God, and they
desire to be obedient to a loving heavenly Father. There is a verse
that states that all fornicators will end up in the Lake of Fire. Yes,
we are forgiven for sin, but to continue living in sin for months???
I thought that eHarmony was a Christian site, but I am not sure.
Priscilla
October 11th, 2007 at 6:32 am
I was disappointed to find that eHarmony published an article that seems to encourage pre-marital sex. eHarmony started out as a Christian organization, and I’ve heard Dr. Warren preach against sex outside of marriage. I know that eHarmony has become more spiritually inclusive, but it’s tragic that it has wandered so far from its roots and is now promoting a lifestyle that has caused so much emotional damage in our society.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:20 am
This was great! I did not know that about myself. It’s nice/helpful to get the feedback. KIM, if you read this, take the survey and we’ll take later.
Thanks E Harmony
October 11th, 2007 at 8:13 am
I was saddened and shocked by this article. I guess I thought e-harmony was a christian or faith based dating site. You won’t have same gender matches but you’ll put an article about “amazing chemistry in the bedroom” without the you are married part. Since people are having sex regardless, e-harmony might as well join the banwagon. I am disapointed. Now, if e-harmony is not a faith based dating site, then I guess that works but I think you ads make it seem like you are faith based especially since you will not do same gender match.
October 11th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Thanks for helpful information
October 11th, 2007 at 10:23 am
This is great advice for a married couple but Im appalled that Eharmony would even suggest a couple should engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage. This is supposed to be a CHRISTIAN company!
October 11th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Very insightful! It is helpful to think in terms of whether a choice is about acting directly toward a solution, or avoiding the truth by seeking to turn away from conflict. In my own experience, turning away from a problem that needs solving is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Challenges just happen–the real question becomes, do we have the gumption to deal with them directly and respectfully, attending to our real needs and the needs of others courageously and honorably? I love plunging into the adventure of my own relationship, dealing with it head-on, exactly as it is, and not wishing disappointments or confusion away.
October 11th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
I too thought E-harmony was suppose to be christian site. I don’t think you should be promoting sex outside of marriage.
October 11th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Ditto regarding all those who made a comment about be saddened by this article. Since when did including unsaved people in a program based on universal truths about relationships have to include going against the Truth of God’s Word. Eharmony works. No doubts there as I know several who have had success. But you should stick to the truth or risk losing God’s blessing.
October 11th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
This is true, and I am glad that you guys decided to bring this info up. i encourage many couples to do this, it helps
October 11th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Come on, now! Most humans have the need to physically express to one another their feelings especially when caught up in the throngs of love. While some of you are still in shock about this article, I am not. I prefer to stay realistic about this subject. Is it possible that some of you may be in denial or near hypocracy by not admitting that you had premarital sex? I’ve talked with many pastors about this & it is a taboo subject, but let’s be real! Even amongst Christians who do their best to obstain (some are more successful than others), is it so totally wrong to write an article about how to keep the passion in the bedroom for a long lasting sex life? What’s so wrong with an article that educates us on positive ways to maintain that important part of a relationship (it’s up to the individual as to whether it occurs before or after marriage)? After all, if that part fizzles THEN how are you going to feel about your relationship??
October 11th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I find it very interesting that there are so many negative comments from Christian subscribers. Obviously, the Bible does not support pre-marital sex. That said, many of us have been married previously, and having this information available to evaluate our personal experiences and issues is a tool that can be very helpful in moving forward to make better choices, not necessarily an advocation of premarital sex…but an opportunity to learn more about ourselves in order to create better relationships in the future, at whatever stage they may be.
Great article, eharmony, very tastefully done. I appreciate some insight into an area of relationships that can be very delicate.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I have to agree with Priscilla here good feedback. I once read a study in Readers Digest years ago that stated premartial sex and cohabing before marriage, usually always ended up in divorce if this couple did infact eventually marry. The longer the cohabing couple lived together before marriage the more likely the marriage would not last. Any feed back on this? I must say by observing other couples that did infact cohab first and then did marry almost all are divorced now. This leads me to believe wait to have sex until after marriage for a more devoted realtionship that will last. Of course, being married can also be a leap of faith some will say to.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Come on now, in my two and a half years on eharmony, I have never seen it in any way claim to be a Christian only dating site. There are other places to go on the web if that is what you really want.
Why must Christians claim everything for themselves? It’s bad enough that they have already proclaimed the federal government as their exclusive domain, but here on eharmony?
I wish Christians would stop thinking they have the right to control my life, what I think, what I say and what I do. It’s hypocritical, because Jesus’s teachings were about tolerance, not the control of other human beings.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Actually- cohabitating couples are more likely to divorce only if they do not already have plans to get married. Additionally, couples who have pre-marital sex are no more likely to get divorced than couples who don’t. This is because a significant number of those couples who don’t have premarital sex are in some ways, marrying so that they can have it. These couples tend to be on the younger, more conservative swing of things.
Furthermore, I have always found that sex is a necessary part of my relationships because I am emotionally disconnected in regular activity. Are you suggesting that I should deprive myself of the only link I have to my partner, and therefore, deprive myself of any healthy relationship at all? The decision to have sex in a relationship should be educated and individualized, because not all relationships fit in a neat little box that abides by rules laid down thousands of years ago.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
i think its a great educatinal article and everybody is entitled to their own beliefs and sex isone of the most specail and intamite ways of expressing your love and so much more it is very healthy and possitive thank you
October 11th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
This just grossed me out. Sex is an absolutely beautiful thing (obviously, we all had to get here somehow!), but it has its place, and that place is within marriage, the place where divine love has its closest counterpart on earth.
The picture alone, I’m sorry, is just gross. I’m also very disappointed that what I thought was a Christian site would stoop as low as the rest of the world around us. I’ve been inactive on Eharmony for a while partly because I became a Catholic and would want the same in a partner, but that specific information is not offered upfront about a potential mate. Now I think I’m going to completely take down my profile and unsubscribe from these silly emails!
And why am I having sex? I’M NOT, BUT I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME ANYWAY!!!
October 11th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
I appreciate this article. The information is helpful to me while I am in the process of building a new and healthy relationship.
October 12th, 2007 at 1:51 am
Very interesting article – almost as interesting as the comments above. as a male, I have found that pre-marital sex – especially early in the relationship, for the male it can reduce the development of the growth of the relationship (for the man). And as I understand how women view this, pre-marital sex moves the relationship along faster for them.
So in the long run I believe if the woman really wants a solid relationship with this man it is to her advantage to withold the actual act of intercourse until later, maybe much later, until the bonds are forged. This is similar to the discussion about kissing and how the meaning is different for men than women. Personally, in the space where I am now, I don’t want pre-marital sex with a woman I really am interested in when it is a possible long term relationship. Sex has been offered and I have refused even though I was ready and willing as I am interested in finding a long term partner and not a sexual relationship. I have found that to some women the actual act of sex is like saying to her that you are committed and I don’t want that to happen until I am totally sure that she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Would I want to have what was referred to in another article (was it FWB?) – yes, although I feel it would detract me from building a normal relationship with someone I really wanted to spend the rest of my life. Since my objectives surround finding a soul mate, or the development of one, I would close the sexual relationship match so I can stay focused (and then sometimes wonder to myself why I didn’t take advantage of it once in awhile).
October 12th, 2007 at 5:17 am
A good number of people use sex as a tool, a weapon or a training methode to get what they want. Beware, talk to your partner to find out exactly what is his, her expectations, as suggested by eHarmony.
October 14th, 2007 at 3:35 am
I am very, very, very surprized tha e-harmony would promote such an article that is not geared toward married couples only. I think that it is a HUGE compromise to what I thought your organization promoted and stood for.
October 14th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I have to say, I am enjoying the replies much more than the article! As a Christian, I can appreciate the information without condoning the timing of the act, or condemning those who have chosen other courses to follow in reguard to their sexuality and finding of a marriage partner. I have found personally and thru study of the human condition and the Bible that the consequences of ones actions are directly correlated to our choices. The reason the Bible speaks of abstaining from premarital sex is not to ‘harm’ or ‘cheat’ us of something special, it is to give us the best opportunity to experience the greatest incidence of intimacy available to humans without cheapening it, harming ourselves physically or emotionally, while at the same time gratifying ourselves through obedience, sacrifice, and humility.
I’m pretty sure these traits are universally applauded!
Would I want a wife I only married because she was an excellent ‘mattress dancer’? How would she feel knowing I cared more about how she made me feel physically than any other attribute she had? How would I feel? Would the fact that we were sexually compatible trump other traits that are foundational to successful marriages? How we prioritize things like integrity, intellect, health, looks, spirituality, kindness, humor, and other traits that are the cornerstones of any successful relationship really tell us how important ‘the sex’ is. What about married folks who face sexual dysfunction either early or later in life? Game over?
I think the Bible teaches us to love others not for what they can do for us, but just because God said so. Is that a really hard concept to affirm? To wait and be blessed, or to be selfishly satisified from a temporal standpoint?
Some things are just ‘either or’, not ‘all and.’
Of all the folks I have talked to, taught, quizzed and annoyed,……..I never met anyone who waited till after they were married to make love to their mate who regretted their decision. Just another point… Never met anyone who was proud to tell their ten year old daughter that they had slept with anyone other than her mother or father before they were married, much less any number greater than 1!
It’s our choice, let’s just make good ones,…for everyones sake.
October 15th, 2007 at 12:36 am
Way to go, Randy !!!!!
October 15th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
I had as much fun reading the responses as the article itself which by the way I found to be delightfully informative … thanks to those responsible for posting it.
What boggled and equally entertained my mind were some of the comments referring to a) eHarmony being a Christian site b) that such a Christian site ought not to encourage sex outside of marriage. I found myself mind boggled indeed for after having read the entire article, nowhere did I get the impression that sex was ever encouraged outside of marrige. Perhaps I am lame, and would ask all those who saw such and reacted to such to please enlighten me. Furthermore …
Of all the people in my life that I have been close to, not exluding my great grand mother (a staunch self acclaimed and practicing Christian) all found the strength to honestly divulge that neither she or any of her friends at the time were not virgins when they married despite what anyone wanted to believe. Come on people! Priscillas etc of this site … have similar strength to be as honest as opposed to hide behind your fate that leads you so obviously blindly? Furthermore …
90+% of the people I have been introduced to on this site, claim themselves to be “spiritual but not affiliated to any organized religion/group”. Leaves one to wonder, don’t you think? Furthermore…
Sex, being a most integral if not most important part of any relationship? I fail to recognize why anyone would want to commit a lifetime to a person with whom they have no idea of sexual compatibility. Many generations prior to us have not done so. The few who did? Have endured a life of unbelievable disappointments; enough to encourage sex outside of marriage for example, enough to keep lovers, prostitutes alive and wealthy too. And some, who indeed found happiness.
Ron; sorry … as a woman I can assure you that sex has never been utilized by either myself or any of my close friends as a means to get men to commit to any relationship. Quite the contrary in fact. And I am disappointed in learning that indeed there are men out there who think such. As for Randy … those people who were obviously commited to each other enough so to marry … and have had a healthy sex life? Am sure will overcome any sexual dysfunctions later in their lives. And I highly object to your many suggestions actually in your note. No one in their right mind ever marries anyone for being a mattress dancer. But no one in their right mind can ever possibly endure the trials and tribs of a marriage either were it not for both of them being so. Unless of course, there are the lovers/prostitues to fill the void. And talk about abstaining as the you state the Bible dictating? How about all the young boys being molested throughout the world by abstaining priests? Shall we talk about that subject for a tad? Hmmm… did not think so.
Get real all of you Bible thumpers? And I don’t mean any disrespect; but highly agree with Chris above… Give this site a break. The article was a good one. One all of us can learn and learn to grow from; given an open mind that is. Seems the open free thinking minds are a minority here on this site regarding this subject …
October 16th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
To the tolerance believers. Jesus Christ’s teaching is about tolerance, but his life was about not to tolerate the world’s point of view. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s verses render unto God what is God;s In other word, believe, live, and give to society as you see fit or believe, live, and give to God the way Christ lived as well as taught to each one of us. What is your focal point in this life, sex or God?
October 18th, 2007 at 2:20 am
This was a very good article. That being said remember that a LOT of people on this site… i would say even as much as 70% of the women i have been matched with already have kids. These kids were not born from immaculate conception. A good number of them came out of unhappy marriages… or “oops”. Remember “Judge not lest ye also be judged” This site is a secular site just like the majority of dating sites out there. I don’t know why people think its a christian only site. Just because Dr. Warren wants to match you on deeper lvl’s with somoene rather than on the meat market sites style of browsing pictures does not make this a “christian site”. Read Song of Solomon sometime my friends.
Let me ask you a question… those of you who are SHOCKED by this article. Those of us that married in the church and had our spouse leave us. Should we just remain celebate and chaste for the rest of our lives since marriage is “until death do us part”. Those who are widowed… should they ignore those physical urges that they experienced during thier marriage? Sex is a beautiful thing that should be shared and expressed in love. It doesn’t matter if there is a peice of paer and some vows exchanged before it is expressed. Do you love them any less because you are not married?
Just my 2 cents.
October 18th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Perhaps I missed something. I didn’t find the article “aimed” at non-married or married persons specifically. I still get the newsletter, despite meeting and marrying my husband via eHarmony. I took the advice to heart as a very married, Christian woman. Check your prejudices at the door.
October 18th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Dan …. Have you by chance noticed that those who bark the loudest are not the ones who find the strenght to back up their bark enough to even show respect enough to either themselves or to this group reading the thread to come back with answers to questions posed to them? I could site all of them by name … but quite frankly, I don’t have the time. And were I to find the time to do so, eHarmony would likely be forced to sensor my note to keep the barkers happy anyway.
Bottom line question; … Did Dr. Warren write that article? Did any paid employee at EHarmony write it? Were the answer to either to be a definite “yes” … I might find a way to better digest the barking. But even then I would suffer indigestion in attempts of digesting the comments of the barkers. Were the answer to be “yes”? I continue to applaud their open mindenness to air such. And should the answer be a definite “no” … Why drag Dr. Warren and eHarmony into it all? What in the name of heavens happened to democracy anyway?
People who get “grossed out” by any picture of any article in the first place? Should have the strenght enough to not even bother clicking to the site to allow them to read the contents in the first place! The picture, along with it’s headline ought to give any intelligent, staunch believing person enough information as to what the contents might well be about. Not clicking on the contents? Would show true committment to themselves and their beliefs. But failing that? And after having read the article despite the fact that from the very beginning they found it to be “gross”? In my estimation eliminates any right to respect to their opinions, their negative thoughts regarding it. In short iI reiterate question … Why would anyone grossed out by a photo actually be interested in it’s contents? It’s not like they are “forced” reading it. I recall having had to click several times to get here for example.
Another question … I am truly curious! Who in the name of heavens would ever find such a picture to be gross? Goodness gracious!!! I can’t help but to feel sorry for them all … and would highly encourage them to visit the rest of the world to discover some different, some more open minded cultures. And need to add … thank goodness, I don’t live their sex life.
Chris … you should be aware of the fact that it’s not only the US federal government has been claimed … it’s really very global.
Emily … my children’s generation? Would highly prove your statement wrong. Of 40, none have married. All 40 are still co habitating .. with several children and life an extremely happy life. (None would get grossed out by such photos might I add too.
). And they all understand the fact that despite the fact of their “marriage papers, vows” … all else is equal in the eyes of the law .. Sorry but you left me lost in your words. And have you noticed that barkers never did respond to the rest of your questions btw?
Ok, am out of here … this is far too much negative energy being generated … I thrive on positive instead. Good night all!
October 25th, 2007 at 8:28 am
a Christian dating site????? where on earth did that come from? Try telling that to all the Jewish folks I have met on this site!!
seems to me, its pretty simple…if you want the information, read the article (which was very good, btw…) otherwise…move on to the next one.
Karen
October 25th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
I am truly amazed at how bent out of shape many Christians are over this article. I am a committed Christian who believes in the value of sexual abstainence outside of marriage. I also practice this value. Yet, I also believe that sexual compatibility is vitally important for a marital relationship. I am not ashamed to admit this. I do not accept the worldly view of finding sexual compatibility by just jumping in the sack and using those experiences to see if there is chemistry. However, I also believe the church is making a huge mistake by preaching that simply “waiting until marriage” is a gaurantee towards compatibility. Sadly, it is not. As a Christian, I will conduct my relationship within the boundaries of Biblical chastity. However, I do so because believe it is best way of achieving the great, mysterious divine intimacy of two becoming one, as described in Ephesians 5:31-32. During this process, I will desire to commuicate with my prospective mate our goals regarding issues like: our pasts, what we currently strugle with, our expectations concerning sex once we are married, and many other relevant issues. What will be vital to me is this communication be done with honest intentions, WITHOUT the judgemental and critical attitudes that I sadly see from many of today’s Christians. I believe that this must be done in terms of trying to achieve genuine Biblical, marital intimacy (goal oriented) as opposed to merely trying to avoid sin (avoidance oriented). It is in this spirit that I embrace the concepts described in the above article. Unfortunately, the church of today is so obsessed with hyper-legalism, that they have turned the wonderful covenant that God had intended into a form of modern, puritanical suffering. A person can claim that he has not committed fornication, adultery, or theft. But then again so can a corpse. I wish our church would realize that.
October 30th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Enjoyed the article, anything to help acheive a healthy relationship.
Enjoyed the comments. Way to go Randy!
Thought if you were Christian you wouldn’t judge others or am I wrong.
Keep the healthy articles coming.
Nice to know some of the opposite sex’s view points.
Use what will help you and disreguard what won’t.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Aniko,
I realize that ours is not the only government that is claimed to be the exclusive domain of Christians. It is a worldwide phenomenon. But it is the US federal government that I pay my taxes to, so it is the one I am the most concerned with.
Thanks for reading my comments … Chris
December 9th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Whether Eharmony is or is not a Christian-based site does not matter. The point is that most couples do not wait until marriage anymore, and this includes Christians. The article is trying to advise without preaching, and mentioning that this couple dates, gets married and then has wonderful chemistry in the bedroom would turn off a lot of people from continuing to read the article.
I know Christians who have sex (out of wedlock), smoke weed, drink with friends at parties… This does not diminish their faith in God.
I’m reading your comments, and I’m seeing a lot of conservatives in here… I would like to remind you that Jesus was a bleeding heart, long haired, peace loving, anti-establishment, liberal hippie freak with strange ideas, and he was tolerant and accepting of other’s ideas. So if you’re truly Christian, try to be more Christ-like (that is what the word means, right?). If you want to save yourself until marriage, kudos for you. But don’t be upset because the rest of the world does not agree with you and does not want to submit to your way of life.
Eharmony, keep doing what you are doing.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I really appreciate the article. I have a clearer picture now of how I keep my relationship energy limited and bound. I am a woman, but I am sort of like the strong man tied up in my own house getting robbed blind of the opportunities to express love at a deeper and more consistent level.
I think that’s a way of understanding the message I got out of the article that is consonant, that synchs with my Christian faith. The spirit of the article is something that I want to focus on.
Now, I don’t like getting the important information in life from people who are not like me and people I don’t trust to understand and value the same things I do. But there is a Teacher who can help me do more than knee-jerk at everything that I judge lacking or wrong.
He wasn’t too happy with the hypocrite that stood up in church telling God how good he (the hypocrite)was. I would hate to go to Him complaining about this article and the heathenness of the writer and the website and have Him kneel down on me and start writing my business in the sand—and you know we don’t have any business he doesn’t know, not just the sex before marriage, but the “lust in the heart” before, during and after marriage.
I could see him so disappointed in the good brothers and sisters who of course would never think of leaving home and living like pigs, but who don’t know how to enjoy their days in their Father’s house because they practice the avoidance of sin but not the loving approach to relating to one another.