As indicated by Galen’s recent blog on household chores, there are often some very real changes that happen to a relationship after a couple gets married – but why? Practically, the daily workings of a relationship shouldn’t differ too drastically between cohabitors and married folks, but along with a more solidified commitment seems to come some notable changes in attitudes and beliefs regarding how people view their relationship.

A team of researchers in Norway (Hansen, Moum, & Shapiro, 2007) recently helped disentangle some of the differences and similarities of these two relationship types in middle-aged couples who were either married or living together, some of whom had been married previously. Although cohabitation is much more common and legally protected there compared to in the U.S., the researchers still found that cohabitors were less satisfied with their relationships and lives in general than married persons – but only if they had never been married. Divorcees who were currently cohabitating with a partner were not different from married or remarried individuals. So, the main distinction seemed to be between ever being married versus not, rather than the status of one’s current relationship. Furthermore, never-married cohabitors reported more conflicts and less closeness, but no differences in general understanding of each other or life priorities.

It looks like even the progressive Norwegians place a special premium on the experience of marriage, despite the commonality of cohabitation. Perhaps then the differences stem from a different set of expectations and values placed on the role of marriage in a fulfilling relationship or life. An additional interesting finding of this study is that cohabitors who were with their partner for 30 years were just as satisfied as those together for 1 year, whereas those in their first marriage had better relationships and were happier when they’d been together longer. (Divorcees were actually less satisfied the longer they’d been with their new partner.) There seems to be a boost of security and satisfaction once you and your partner have formally committed to each other related to how you think about your relationship that doesn’t happen for couples who live together without marrying. Indeed, another study that interviewed cohabitating couples with children about their thoughts on living together and marriage (Reed, 2007) indicates that most couples don’t expect daily life to change much between cohabitation and marriage but do see marriage as a much more serious and stable commitment to their partners which is not to be entered lightly. And going back to the subject of chores, a husband’s commitment to the relationship is a prime determinant of whether wives are happy with the division of labor at home, whereas cohabitation history (and presumably the husband’s prior housework) made no difference (Rhoades et al., 2007). Thus, much of what makes a difference in a relationship is that intangible perception of what it means to be together and how easily you might separate rather than the specifics of what your daily interactions look like. So, fellas, if you’re looking to slack off around the house, at least make sure your partner has no doubt about whether you’ll slack off where it really counts.

Further Reading:

Hansen, T., Moum, T., & Shapiro, A. (2007). Relational and individual well-being among cohabitors and married individuals in midlife: Recent trends from Norway. Journal of Family Issues, 28, 910-933.

Reed, J. (2007). Not crossing the “extra line”: How cohabitors with children view their unions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68, 1117–1131.

Rhoades, G. K., Petrella, J. N., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2007). Premarital cohabitation, husbands’ commitment, and wives’ satisfaction with the division of household contributions. Marriage & Family Review, 40, 5-22.