Adjusting to Life After Divorce
by Heather Setrakian | September 24th, 2007As part of a larger research project I’m working on here, I recently read a great review article in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage concerning how individuals use social relationships to adjust to life with divorce. The researchers had completed a meta-analysis (a giant research mash up to get a birds-eye-view of all the results on the topic) and found that a higher degree of social relationships was associated with a higher level of positive post-divorce adjustment, and lower levels of maladjustment.
Turns out not all adjustment is the same, and the different types serve important functions for those going through a divorce. Positive adjustment refers to functioning well in multiple areas of life (e.g., work, family, leisure), being free of mental and physical hang-ups, and basically operating with a new identity no longer tied to the former spouse. If you are going through a divorce, you want as much of positive adjustment as possible. Maladjustment, on the other hand, is defined as those things people usually want to avoid: depression, anxiety, stress, physical symptoms- you know, all the fun stuff for parties. Less is clearly better.
Common sense, right? Sure: having a support system around is supposed to get people through tough times. But the researchers dug deeper- shoveling with statistics- and found that the type of relationship relates to the type of adjustment.
Being involved in relationships that are defined as networks (e.g., support, church groups, clubs, groups of friends) relate to higher levels of positive adjustment. Networks help get you “out there” again, provide emotional support, and remind you that you aren’t alone. They are most helpful in promoting the positive changes necessary for adjustment.
Specific relationships (i.e., one-on-one relationships; best friends, counselors, family members) relate to lower levels of maladjustment. So these relationships work strongest as an outlet to share vulnerable feelings, fears, receive various types of support or alleviate stress. They buffer or prevent the negative consequences of divorce.
Combined these relationships create the overall adjustment that most people want after a divorce. Thinking about your own divorce or separation, do you find that you are shying away from groups and social outings, instead spending quiet times with one friend? Do you keep your innermost feelings away from your trusted friend or family member, preferring to spend most nights out on the town? Cutting yourself off from one type of relationship may also keep you from fully recovering. You need to talk out your feelings AND participate in new, fun activities in a group. Each play important roles in your adjustment process.
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October 6th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
It’s going to be hard adjusting to anything that is viewed in society as a negative choice. Society in general wishes divorce was less and less. So when you include a religious view to the mix, then the hardest judgment for me after my divorce came from religious members. The typical view I imagin in any religion is that divorce is the wrong choice and since I was the one who was choosing this path and was responsible for taking this route as my own choice…well I was not seen as doing the right thing. Yet, even in my religion, I will always be grateful for those members that decided not to take a critical view of my choice, and decided I needed support instead of criticism. And truth is, I had already taken those steps out, so why then explain to my broken heart how I made the wrong choice. And some members saw this and went against the grain to hunt me down for words of love and care and support. Being hunted down and told how loved I was instead of how wrong of a choice I made was the reality of what is needed to a breaking heart durring divorce. It’s not only needed on the one side of the fence in a divorce. Both sides are still hurting and neither heart is ready for being critisised on religious interpretations.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
The hardest thing for me was being married for almost 20 yrs. to someone I grew up with since first grade. Having two children during the marriage and being a church going family it was devasting that my husband reverted back to alcohol and found another woman while he was still married to enable his drinking problem by joining him. The big kicker was he sat across from me in church with his realtives and parents in the Catholic church of all places and the attitude from them all was “No big deal” just get over it and move on! It’s been 5 yrs. now and at the time our children were 14 a son, and a 18 yr. old daughter to this day they are both devasted as to what he did to our family. Being from a small town it was very hard on all of us. To this day I have not been able to move forward in any relationship. He is still with this woman & her adult daughters and continues to lead a life of alcoholism. It would surely seem that our society has it rock bottom when it comes to a family values for if more families made their own family #1 priority and honored their love, committment, and vows there would be A LOT less broken homes.
October 13th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Wow! I knew I didn’t have a monopoly on anger about divorce, but I hope it hasn’t consumed me completely. No matter the circumstance, life will go on with you, or without you, your choice. Not everyone agrees on all these life choices, but most people tolerate and sypathize more than we realize. The secret to life after divorce is to choose life!
November 13th, 2007 at 4:07 am
Divorce is a very stressful and expensive process. Some will end up with depression, loneliness, financial strain or even elation. Attitude is a big factor in coping with divorce. If you can, somehow, change your perspective towards things then it will help you adjust and recover quickly.