It’s not what you were hoping to hear, and certainly not what my mother used to say, but when it comes to self-esteem, sometimes it is the external that matters. In a recent study, Anthony, Holmes, & Wood (2007) found that self esteem depends on how you see yourself having certain social commodities (SCs). For example, if you think you are physically attractive, socially skilled, and charming – characteristics that are valued by the external world, especially in western cultures – you are more likely to have high self-esteem. This is probably what you would have expected, right?

The interesting part is that these characteristics are more important than communal qualities (CQs). Assets like being kind, accepting, and understanding – the internal qualities – are less important in building self-esteem compared to the SCs. In fact, individuals with low self-esteem had nearly similar ratings of CQs as those with high self-esteem. Despite positive feelings on the inside, it is the feeling of external inadequacy that seems to cause low self-esteem.

Relationships, however, are a different story. For those in romantic relationships, but not for single individuals, the same study showed that CQs were related to self-esteem. Researchers suggested that being in intimate relationships makes these skills more noticeable. When you are with someone, it’s important how you interact with them, so your ability to be open, adaptable, and affectionate, for example, may shape how you feel about yourself.

Applying this research, we know that people with high and low self esteem have similar CQs, and that being in a relationship can make CQs more significant. Is it possible that focusing on everyday relationships may also impact self esteem? If you think about your everyday interactions – whether with family, coworkers, friends, or strangers – consider the valuable communal skills you bring and the opportunities you have to show your kindness and acceptance. Perhaps making these relationships salient and practicing these skills may make the inside more important than the outside.