“Joni’s lament goes something like this: ‘Ray thinks I don’t like sex. But I do like sex, or at least I used to, I just don’t like it so much with him. He just doesn’t get me sexually, and I can’t seem to let him in on it, either. It feels hopeless. I’m only twenty-nine. That’s too young to stop having sex.’” The stories that Esther Perel highlights in her book ‘Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic’ (Harper Collins, 2006) are both riveting and challenging. Gathered from her years of clinical practice, these tales engage the reader with the individuals and couples she counsels. Their problems carry a ring of truth for all who study relationships and a vague sense of unease for those already in them.

The premise Perel defends is simple, the qualities we associate with successful long-term relationships are antithetical to desire, eroticism, and hot sex. She challenges our sensibilities by proposing that much of what clinical practice and research believes will improve relationships also make a satisfying sex life less likely. Relationships are built on equality. Desire is driven by power differences. Relationships are strengthened by intimacy and self-disclosure. Desire is flamed by mystery. Relationships are sustained by emphasizing the “we” over the “I”. Desire is heightened by differences between “me” and “you.”

Relationship research is not obvious in this book, but the themes of the science are pervasive-and the questions that arise are provocative. In Chapter 3, “The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy” Elizabeth, an organized competent school counselor, reveals that she likes to be submissive in her sex life with her husband Vito. “When he comes on to me forcefully, it makes me feel sexy.” Those who understand the research on power differences and abuse in relationships may be wary of such a story. Power differences in the bedroom may lead to power differences in the relationship and increase the chance of abuse. The logical conclusion of the research would be to discourage women from being submissive in any aspect of their relationship. The tale of Elizabeth and Vito highlights the differences between the subtle nuances that make up sexual satisfaction for individual couples and the concrete findings of researchers. Discouraging submissiveness in relationships may decrease intimate violence on average but it may also lead some couples to less satisfying sex lives.

As researchers we are occasionally caviler about our findings, applying them broadly and loosely. Yet even a researcher cannot help but be affected when reading the story of Doug in Chapter 10 “The Shadow of the Third”, who is having an affair with Naomi, and yet does not want to lose his wife Zoe. It is easy to dismiss an adulterer as hurtful and cruel when he is merely a statistic, but their tales show the complexity of life and relationships. Perel’s stories bring into sharp relief the psychology we all seek to understand. “Mating in Captivity” may not stand among the great tomes of relationship science, but it is a stark reminder of why we all do relationship science.