So I was reading an article by the Babyproofing Your Marriage team that discussed the somewhat negative transitions couples go through when their beloved bundle of joy appears. It seems many parents- both new and experienced- faced some tough transitions into parenthood (and beyond). Does the stress of having a newborn fundamentally tweak the relationship? Do parents-to-be just have to brace for the rush of negativity that’s going to come alongside the baby?

No doubt a baby fundamentally changes the relationship. And at 4AM when the baby is screaming again- and your partner isn’t waking up and it’s not your turn- it’s completely understandable to start reviewing those wedding vows to see where you got scammed. But what’s going on in that scenario besides the fact that you aren’t getting sleep? Your global expectations about “life with baby” are being questioned or even violated now that reality is literally screaming right at you. And there are several to consider: your baby’s temperamant; your partner’s skill as a parent; your family’s support; your competence as a parent; maybe- and possibly more secretly with more worry: your feelings of being a parent. All of these are brewed together and the result is a powerful kick to your sense of self and your satisfaction with your relationship.

A recent study into prenatal expectations and marital satisfaction exposed just that fact: husbands and wives who held higher expectations across several domains experienced greater declines in marital satisfaction after the baby was born (Lawrence, Nylen and Cobb 2007). Specifically, husbands who felt they were going to receive most outside help and support experienced a steeper decline in satisfaction. Wives had steeper declines in satisfaction when they expected their baby’s temperamant to be easier than it was, and when they felt more negative than expected about parenting (meaning, they didn’t love it as much as they thought they were going to).

Well, crap- I don’t have kids yet! Is the answer to actually dread the birth of the child in the hopes that the negative experiences won’t affect my relationship? Obviously not. The birth of a child is a joyous occasion. Preparing for the emotional and social aspects of raising a child are crucial. I think the trick here (among many, I’m sure) is to separate those overarching expectations of parenthood with the details of daily life with child. Maintain those positive expectations- the ones that go, “I’m going to be a good parent” and “My baby is going to be wonderful” but make sure they haven’t traveled into fantasy. The more you and your partner can prepare for all aspects of parenthood, the better you will be at holding off steep declines in your relationship satisfaction.

For example:

• Check out prenatal classes that educate on the emotional aspects of transitioning into parenthood- not just the physical changes
• Set aside some time and discuss with your partner your expectations of how parenthood will feel for you, and what it might mean when those expectations aren’t met
• Talk about what it will mean to have a baby that isn’t easy
• Communicate expectations of external support when the baby arrives
• Accept that parenting won’t be positive every day, and give yourself a break when those negative feelings emerge
• Check in with each other about specific expectations, and try to identify (before 4am at least) your relationship’s strengths and weaknesses- especially as they relate to child-rearing.

For more information, check out an article by another researcher here, Dr. Erina Lee