Turns Out Breaking Up May Be Easy To Do…or at least bounce back from
by Heather Setrakian | August 27th, 2007Have you ever been in a relationship that you know is on the rocks, and yet the idea of breaking up- the crying, the pain, the sense of isolation- seem so horrible that you put off the inevitable as long as possible? Well, new research by Paul Eastwick, Eli Finkel, Tamar Krishnamurti, and George Loewenstein may prove that delay unnecessary: people predict that their distress-level relating to a breakup will be much higher than when it actually happens. It turns out that even as people are first reporting their breakups they were not as upset as they predicted just 2 weeks earlier.
So how did researchers find this little tidbit? While conducting a long-term study of dating freshman, Eastwick and colleagues looked at those participants who had ended a relationship during the first six months of their study. All participants were completing biweekly reports of distress (actual and predicted), relationship status, love and breakup initiation. They found that those who “were 1) more (compared with less) in love with their partners 2) felt less (compared with more) likely that they would soon begin a new relationship, and 3) were not the initiator of the dissolution made bigger error judgments in forecasting how upset they were going to feel.” Of course (and not surprisingly) those that initiated the breakup were more accurate in gauging their feelings. Turns out that even when we are dumped, we don’t end up feeling as bad as we fear; a romantic breakup is just not as upsetting as it may seem.
Of course, this study refers to college freshman, and that’s a major caveat. These partners might have been leftover high school relationships (participants were on average only dating for a year) who were chucked during winter or spring break in favor of the attractive floor-mate in the dorm. Regardless of who did the deed, these kids may be going through their first breakup at school and just don’t anticipate all the distractions. I know after my first break up my roommates took me out repeatedly. While I was still upset, I was also having much more fun as a single person in college than I ever had in high school. It would be interesting to see what these results would be in married or long-term adult couples who don’t have nearly 24-hour access to the healing comforts of booze, parties, and new encounters that comprise (at least the first year) of college. Oh- and class.
Further Reading:
Eastwick, P.W., Finkel, E.J., Krishnamurti, T., and Loewenstein, G. (2007). Mispredicting distress following romantic breakup: Revealing the time course of the affective forecasting error. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
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September 2nd, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Did anyone ever see the results for long-term adult couples, who break up
and divorce? We were married 39yrs and my husband just out of the blue said he didn’t love me, and was sorry we ever wed.
September 2nd, 2007 at 7:01 pm
There is a big difference between a college freshman, or even a college student than a more mature adult. I would be interested to see if the same results would hold true for say people in their 40’s or 50’s. At that age the dating pool is much smaller and it is not that easy to go out and find another interest to help recover from being dumped.
October 1st, 2007 at 11:18 pm
as we are older, the more responiblies we have , to our children, and its not like lighting a match and blowing it out and lighting another and saying oh well just get another one…. this is a fire that many of us never , intended for it to go out . when you put years in to a relationship and have childern and buy a home and move to another town to get ahead in your life , to have all that gone in a puff of smoke … it not a here today gone tomorrow thing IT TAKE LOTS OF TIME!!!!!! till one is ready to move on …
October 10th, 2007 at 11:21 am
I can imagin that breaking up as freshmen is somewhat easier to do than those that got through it even 1 or 2 years later in life. There is also a huge huge huge difference for those who were married and not just ‘boy friend girl friend’—-even if they’ve still enjoyed those benefits every now and again between class papers and stuff. (Lacking from the study, is that most didn’t even live life with the other—how “invested” is that for feeling hurt afterwards???)
So, ya I think there was a lot lacking in comparison to a sincere hurting heart that comes from a “sincere” heart out on the line; and that heart is then left behind.
That being said, there is not doubt that any age can enjoy the freedoms which are newly restored by being left alone (alone can mean free to choose without critisism).
And the build up to divorce–the anger, bleeding heart, spinning head, horrible outlook of each “new” day….ya it all just brings a sence of relief to a mixture of emotions as a breakup unfolds and both have no choice but to walk onto that new territory of divorce.
So, no matter if you were on the dumping side, or the being dumped side…..it all is happening after feeling a huge excess of those very heart breaking feelings that make life misserable.
Of course, even generalizing anything about a marriage or especially a divorce is going to meet up with differences. (Mine did not happen after years of investments over kids, or a home,—-even an identity per say.) But I think the lack of yearly investment, was more than made up for, by the heart breaking emotions that came about in a very short period of time.
I had to go from wanting a marriage to her and only her (compared to all the other fish in the sea) to wanting compleatly nothing more to do with the marriage. And this was all happening in a very compact month, and then full year of time. It was not happening over night…..but it was durring a very brutal first year. And then after feeling guilt and a renewed hope….surprisingly and against most families wishes–we decided to remarry in hopes of makig it work on round 2.
Well, surprise surprise that round 2 had every single problem as did the first year. There was also a new problem added to the mix…..a FEAR that smothered all deep and personal emotions because there was that fear of knowing I had chosen the divorce route before.
Yet, I’m here to say, that no matter how prepared I was for the 2nd round of heart break, and it even being a divorce from the same girl as the first……still—the hurt is going to be just as painful as ANY OTHER TIME you have to BREAK A BOND MADE OUT OF LOVE.
Any bond like this is involving a full and compleate emotional weld or glue, and any crack in it….HURTS!!!! It hurts as the crack is made, so naturally a full severing of it is going to feel a lot worse than those small cracks that brought about the the full breakup.
Yet, it is those multipule agonies of individual cracks that prepare you for the worst of all cracks….”the big one” that will always create a lot of tumbling and falling on your face as the world under your feet seems to shake more than you have ever wished for.
THE BREAKUP IS GOING TO CUT DEEP…..after all it wasn’t a shallow surface of emotions that connected the two together!!!!!
But yes, there are the “pre” small cracks that happen before the big one and yes they do prepare you for the final one. BUT HOW COULD YOU NOT HURT FROM THE FINAL ONE????
You put love on the line! You shatter that and there is every reason in the book pointing to hurt that will follow.
It’s all about how many cracks before the last big one that are the deciding factor in how torn you heart is going to be…..BUT IT WILL BE TORN.
Yet, truth is, I feel that divorce should feel as ugly as it truly is. No one should want divorce.
It shouldn’t be “looked down upon” as much as it is in our modern society. But it should stay put, and I imagin it always will stay put, as a horrible road to travel. Believe me when you hear—it’s never going to be a fun road to travel……IT HURTS.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
It’s true when you get a divorce no one brings you a casserole. Some friends rally, some stay away, your side of the family supports and suddenly our children concieved in love must now go back and forth to homes and relatives and divide their time. You try to stay supportive and even cheerful but it breaks your heart to see them angry because holidays are now split.Then its the nights when you find yourself alone and having to get to sleep or waking up in the morning and you remember, “I’m divorced”. I was married for 23 years, three children, a home, family and friends. My then husband and I pillars of our community, the center of holiday get togethers etc… Now there are lawyers(God bless mine), realtors (because our home of 18years must be sold) and the “Self Help” section of Brentanno”s Book Store. (Where I have lived for the past 3 years) I have watched dear friends of mine get Breast Cancer and a Stroke recently (and they try to tell me its not because of their divorces). I see them living on a shoe string, I myself working three jobs and daily pray that I may be able to pay my daughters college education. I am 52 years old, thought I’d be starting to relax and enjoy but I find I have to pack my bags for this trip I did not plan. My wonderful brother (who has been my rock) tells me, “Deb, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train”. As my beautiful Mother would have said, “This too will pass” but recently I heard a quote I pefer, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, It’s about learning to dance in the rain”.