I read a peculiar article online from the editor of Men’s Health that said not only should you argue with your spouse, but gave you specific topics to take to the boxing ring. The article purported that issues such as sex, finances, kids and health were all fair game for bickering in order for true growth to occur. Is arguing really the best way to go and explore as a couple? I understand that it’s important to keep up with the issues the article reviews, but surely they’ve exaggerated the process a bit. I’m reminded of a story I heard in grad school about a psychologist who told a client during couples’ therapy that her husband wielding a knife at her during an argument was his way of “trying to connect.”

I think the article was onto something important but missed the mark. Keeping the lines of communication open on important topics are vital to the growth and maintenance of a relationship. Certainly talking about your sexual needs/ desires with your partner will be better than counting ceiling tiles and wondering what’s on evening television. But isn’t there a difference between arguing and problem-solving?

Of course. of course! It may seem like common sense to say that arguing should lead to problem-solving or it’s just a bunch of blood, sweat and tears for nothing- but then an article espousing the benefits of arguing pops up and you try not to slap your forehead in bewilderment. If you are repeatedly having the same argument with a close other- with no resolution or growth- then it’s not helpful. One will inevitably feel like that nag (and no it’s not always the woman) and the other will withdraw to avoid the conflict. The issue is left unresolved, and both of you will be left misunderstood. Getting advice on “what to talk about” with your partner ignores “how to say it.” I got into nasty fights about sex, money, health and the like with an ex over and over again and we didn’t get any closer to agreeing on anything except that our relationship was disintegrating. I often felt like we needed a translator!

These topics are important for couples to monitor but true growth comes from effectively communicating their growing and changing needs. But just picking a random time to swipe at your partner about health, finances, or sex is a recipe for quicker declines in satisfaction. How successful is it to bring up a hot button topic when the other is tired, distracted, or otherwise busy? Sure- arguing lets partners know which topics are of passionate concern to one another and that they still want to connect on this issue; but true connection and growth needs to move past this initial stage. Problem-solving is about working as a team in order to reach a new (and hopefully) better stance on the given topic. If you are talking about a disagreement, make sure you are weaving warmth, affection and humor into your discussion; research has shown that infusing positive behaviors in an disagreement can buffer the couple from any lasting (and negative) effects of the discussion. Taking time to laugh with each other may keep the negativity down and the arguing to a minimum, so you can discuss what’s really important- like getting those ceiling tiles painted.