Breaking the Sexual Stereotype
by Erina Lee | July 27th, 2007
In one study, men and women strangers were asked to interact with one another, while another cross-gender pair observed. Compared to women, men who were either interacting or observing rated those who were interacting as being more sexually oriented (Abbey, 1982). What men thought was sexual intent, women thought was friendly. Repeated findings like these led researchers to believe that men were more interested and motivated by sex compared to women.
In a recent issue of PSPB, however, Alison Lenton and colleagues found that both men and women projected their own sexual feelings onto others. Those who were highly sexually motivated, both men and women, saw others as being highly sexually motivated; while those who were low in sexual motivation saw others as being similarly low in sexual motivation (Lenton et al., 2007). In other words, if I was interested in sex, I assumed you were interested too. These findings were especially true when others were similar to themselves or when there was little information to go on.
Instead of rating in line with the sexual stereotype of men wanting sex more, the current findings show that men and women project their own feelings onto both men and women equally. Although the researchers suggest complexity of similarity may explain these findings, another explanation may be that stereotypical differences in sexual desire are not as prevalent as they once were, especially among younger adults as assessed in this sample. If we weren’t given enough information and didn’t believe in old stereotypes, then we might have relied on what we thought when making decisions about others.
Take our latest poll and tell us what you think:
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July 29th, 2007 at 9:27 am
I’d love to see a breakdown of this survey by sex of the respondent…
Count my vote for C. And it’s amazing how much easier it is to connect when you REALLY understand that.
August 12th, 2007 at 12:45 am
Well I would say C, although I’ve been with people who wanted more sex than I did and then those that were my equal match. In most cases, we’ve been equally matched.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
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September 10th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
I’d say C I’ve definitely noticed that women want sex just as much as men. I bet if they tried that survey about how each sex thinks about the act they’d have different findings. I believe that women probably think about sex just about as often as men.
September 10th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
I came in looking for an answer to this question and I’m still not sure. As a man, I am visually motivated and develop a sexual interest in attractive women rather quickly. The ladies seem to take their time to warm up to the idea. They want to be in love first. Traditionally this is a greater risk of stigma for a woman having sex than a man and she has to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant and caring for a child. The study is kinda difficult to fathom. Does it mean that I want sex, I assume women want it just as much? And if women want sex as much as men, they why aren’t they willing to pay for it the way some men are?
September 10th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
My vote is C because men is the agresser,now there are women that are like men in sex,I love when a women take charge at the same time,My manhood take up my new childhood,and is reborn again…….
September 10th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
I think it’s unfair to say or think that women are not interested in sex. Sure, you hear about the working moms who are too tired to have sex with their husbands. If I were married, I wouldn’t want my sex life to come second to my household responsibilites. I enjoy it too much and I can only hope that my partner enjoys it as much as I do!
September 10th, 2007 at 10:06 pm
This is a no-brainer; I do not care what e-harmony respondents say, dozens of studies in evolutionary psychology and social biology predict and verify that men want more sex than women. It also makes perfect evolutionary sense. Recent mate selection studies also confirm that both men and women lie about their preferences in such polls in order to be (apparently) politically correct.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
A breakdown by age and sex would be interesting too.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Look, men will always want sex more than women, so if you women ever expect to have a decent relationship with a man, you had better get over your sick idea that men should be more like girlfriends……..you had better start having more sex with men if you want them to be around when you need them….end of story…..grow up, little girls.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:29 pm
Well I heard this study a while back and it true but they dont ask why type of sex either gender perfers.
September 11th, 2007 at 1:45 am
I think if both are honest – they desire sex the same — I think that men think they are suppose to be the ones that desire sex most so they act/talk the part – when it comes rigtht down to it, unless a person is on drugs or drunk and “jump” any”thing” I think the normal person really wants/ will “be”/have sex with someone that pushes their buttons and makes you want to hurry past the “kitchen” and makes you want to hurry to the (can’t wait to go to the}”bedroom”. What kitchen? Never saw it.
The above is not including the sexual perverts, etc.
September 11th, 2007 at 1:45 am
But don’t the two studies together suggest that women were, on average, less interested in sex, and therefore interpreted other women’s behavior as friendly rather than sexual, with the opposite being true for men who were projecting their own feelings?
BTW, I definitely am curious about whether women nowadays have a higher level of sexual interest than we were perceived to have in the past… or whether society just wants to believe that it’s the case! Certainly the small and admittedly biased sample of my own circle of friends suggests that men generally are much more consistently interested in sex than women.
September 11th, 2007 at 7:13 am
Context is everything, and this study leaves out what is pretty much already known; far fewer men need an emotional connection to sleep with someone, while women on average will want sex at about the same rate IF it is in some kind of emotional context. As with most things male/female, they are the same… but different.
September 11th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I have a good personality, however no breast due to cancer, how many men would be interested in that?
September 11th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I would say that this polling should be age categorized. I have found that my needs and wants sexually changed over the years. The older I got, the more I was focused on the whole person relationship. Sex is just one component of lasting relationships.
September 11th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I don’t agree with the results of the poll.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Men definitely want sex more than women, women want romance which may or may not lead to sex but that is not their main agenda.
September 11th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Depends on the person. I know women who aren’t interested and I have known men that weren’t “as interested”. In order for a relationship to work, however, you can’t have one that likes it a lot and one that doesn’t. If it is important to one person, it needs to be important to the other.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
dont know about the subject . ive failed three times myself.marriage hasent worked for me . women get tired of me real soon
September 11th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
In almost 40-yrs, since about age 18, I’ve known only 2, possibly 3, women (out of many more) who were highly sexually motivated & interested at nearly all times (including the middle of the night), uninhibited, displayed personal sexual initiative at surprising times (the most important aspect), &/or were always ready & enthusiastic responders. One of these was not American. When combined with kindness and intelligence, these are the true sweethearts of the world – rare, scarce, few & far between. Years later they continue to fuel fantasy. Men treasure these females. It seems US women are more “hung-up” (and seriously overweight) than those elsewhere in spite of living in the best of geo-circumstances.
And no, that’s not my real name.
September 11th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
MEN AND WOMEN WANT SEX EQUALLY…BUT WOMEN ASSOCIATE LOVE AND COMMITMENT WITH SEX UNLIKE MEN…MEN DO NOT NEED A COMMITMENT OR CONNECTION AS A PREREQUISITE AS WOMEN TYPICALLY DO. WOMEN ARE NOT AS LIKELY TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WOTHOUT EXPECTATIONS OF COMMITMENT, AND MORE OFTEN EXPECT THAT A MAN WILL PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP ONCE SEX WAS GIVEN…WHICH IS NOT NECESSARRILY TRUE..MEN ARE MORE PRONE [INSTINCTUALLLY] TO GROW A RELATIONSHIP FROM SEX…WOMEN ARE MORE LIKELY TO GIVE SEX AFTER AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP [CONNECTION].
September 11th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Now what I’ve experienced makes sense. I was in a relationship where I didn’t realize my boyfriend actually wanted to make love to me, because I am committed to wait until I’m married. Even when he made sexual comments, I shrugged it off, thinking it was his wishful thinking and that he wasn’t serious. I was imposing my own level of interest onto him.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
I think in general women don’t want as much sex as men, but everyone is different. I know some women that talk about sex quite frequently.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
This study makes a great amount of sense. I’ve always thought this way and never agreed with the idea that (generally speaking) men are more sexual. Interest is equal, barring the complexities of similarities.
Davicio del Toro’s complement sounds like a shameless plug for the pornographic industry… “the true sweethearts of the world”… right.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
As indicated by this eHarmony anonymous poll, Men and women equally desire sex. The difference is not the level of desire but how openly we display that desire. It would be interesting to see how the results differed if the poll were not anomymous (i.e. voter’s names would be listed along with their response). I state this because although “the times they are a changin’,” there is still remains the notion that “good girls don’t do that.” We all know the stereotypes: Guys that like sex and have sex a lot are called “studs.” Women that like sex are “promiscuous.” This is nonsense, of course, but still influences how people regard sex. So guys are still more open about their enjoyment of sex. Women, in my experience, are more guarded about their sexual desires until trust is developed. Once trust is developed (i.e., she knows you are a decent human being and not just out to score), she is more open about sex.
September 12th, 2007 at 5:02 am
Wow. . . I’m surprised at the results of this poll. The age factor and also the prevalent sexual taboos may influence each voter, male or female. Does anyone fear sexually transmitted diseases anymore? Who wants to wear a saddle, instead of bareback? Are we ‘talking’ perception or reality?
September 12th, 2007 at 11:45 am
Donald: I couldn’t have said better myself! Women expect a relationship after having sex (or making love), but men can separate the two. Which is why women WAIT to give their bodies to a man and not be heartbroken after the man can just walk away after having sex. The answer? Be very sure you know having sex with your mate is the right/next step in your relationship!
September 12th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
I find that everyone is different. As a middle aged woman, I have only once found a man who wants sex as much as I do. Maybe that is atypical. Also, I believe that most women will not admit to their desires because of the perception of promiscuity. And as others have said, breaking this poll down by gender and age would be more informative.
September 12th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
i’m45 female and wish i could have sex the way i feel for it which is like three to four times daily .my man do not have the drive that i do.sex is the best and most important part of a relationship
September 12th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Unless women are thinking about and wanting sex every minute of every day, then men definitely think and want sex more than women. Just my opinion.
September 12th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
It’s a fact that for women, as they get older (in their forties) are much more interested in sex. It’s true for me. Or maybe it also depends on the partner. If you are very attracted to your partner then you would enjoy it more. In the middle of my 30’s that’s when I noticed the spike in my libido. It’s like I want it all the time. And it was more when I got to my forties. But I do recall in my 20’s and early 30’s, I wan’t too interested, it was more like a routine.
September 12th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
First– a lot of you want stats so here are mine: I am a 28-year old professional, graduate college-educated, divorced single mom with a boyfriend who is a 37-year old college-educated, professional, divorced, single dad. (We have been going out a little under a year and have enjoyed sex since–should I say it?- our first date.) He can’t keep up with me sometimes, lol! He’d probably have sex 2 or 3 times a week if it was up to him.
I’d like it 2 or 3 times a day.
I think that women want it as much as men, or at least naturally would, if social expectations and stereotypes were not such an issue. We can also generalize that women take on more daily time-consuming responsibilities (leaving them more tired or busy), and that they have more risks associated with sex (physical certainly, and possibly also psychological).
THAT SAID, I absolutely love sex …and although I recognize the ethical value of a loyal, committed relationship…I don’t have to have that to enjoy sex as a seperate thing and never have. Sometimes I worry that as I get older the opportunity for great sex won’t come around as often (horrible pun, I’m realizing), and I’d better enjoy it while I can! I have loved sex since I first had it at 16 and have never wavered on how much I like it. My parents were very much in love as I grew up, very affectionate, and it was just a natural thing to think that in private adults would have a healthy sex life.
I would MUCH prefer ONE GREAT NIGHT of hot sex to a mani-pedi, chocolate, a girls’ night, or a bubble bath (or any of those other things society might say women want).
In fact, I feel a little more testy with my boyfriend about little things if we haven’t done it in awhile (say 5 or 6 days); if we have sex on a more regular basis it kind of melts the stress away and my mind seems clearer when we communicate, I feel more cared for and the workday even goes by better.
Anyone else feel this way? Especially the women? I know a lot of my girlfriends–most of them are between 25-35– want it every night.
-Lindsey
September 12th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
All women likes to take time to get to know some one before you start to expect to much of her as for me sleeping around is wrong to many diseases you can pick up like aids that are life threating. I think sex goes with marriage it is so much beeter when it is leagal. I know I was married 52 years before he passed away. I WAS TOLD IF YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE IT AWAY IT IS NO DIFFRENT IF YOU ARE SELLING YOU KNOW WHERe THAT LEAVES YOU A HAS BEEN. JZ
September 12th, 2007 at 10:02 pm
I also agree w/ Donald and Gina. However I’ve dated both American and foreign women. There is a huge diff. between the two. Sorry to say girls, but most American females are mainly interested in themselves, before and after sex. Foreign woman are more caring and loveable. They tend to appreciate everything life has to offer, which I know American girls do not. The two that I dated loved to have sex. They opened my eyes…:)
September 12th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
At the time of my posting this reply the numbers are…
86 %(13,836)Voters said that men and women are equals when it comes to the subject matter. I say that 86 % of that 13,836 Voters were women.
3 %(519) Voters said that women were more “interested”. I say that all 519 of these Voters were women.
9 %(1,307)Voters said that men were/are(the only accurate assessment)more “interested”. I say that more than 90 % of these Voters were men.
Davicio Del Toro was absolutely correct when he said that a woman that is kind, sweet, and intelligent that possesses a high and spontaneous sex drive is about as common as homeless men finding Mega Million Dollar pieces of Jewelry mingled in with the garbage they search thru for food. Extremely rare and especially here in the United States. Many women boast to impress prospective male suitors but few… very few… actually deliver.
Biologically women are not equipped to want sex as often as men do. Monthly cycles alone control that “interest”. I will subcome to agreeing that women may think about sex or even talk about sex, if not as much or more than, men do but that is just it. Only talking or thinking about it.
Steven also hit the nail on the head when he said that people that respond to these anonymous polls, majorally, want to appear as politically correct as possible.
Yes… we can all come in and offer up anecdotes to confirm the poll but these anecdotes are just that.
No doubt… there are EXCEPTIONAL women to the rule.
September 12th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
I think the confusion here is in the wording-women WANT sex, men NEED sex. In all truthfulness, every person’s level of desire goes through cycles, as does everything in nature, but men have a literal need for sex, ingrained in them naturally.
The fear of being unloved is one of the most pressing emotions to all humans. Women most commonly feel love as expressed through non-sexual touching and romance, or expressed interest in the woman, with or without the sex. Men feel loved through praise and sex.
So here’s the equation. If the man regularly dishes out the interested inquiries about his lady’s day, and while listening rests the occasional hand on the small of her back, rubs his fingers on the back of her neck or side of her cheek, kisses her forehead and/or cheek or shoulder, and gives a warm embrace…
… then he would be hard-pressed to find a woman who could not meet his sexual needs, willingly, enthusiastically, creatively, eagerly…you get the picture. Men are designed to need sex, and women are designed to respond to a man who shows her love as she understands it.
It’s as simple as that.
I feel like as a foot note I should mention that this is a view based on my belief that God is the creator and that sex is designed for marriage. These principals applied in marriage at any age will get you a hotter and more fulfilling sex life than you will ever find out of wedlock.
For more info visit http://www.marriagetoday.org. I am not from the organization, just a living testimonial of the truth in its principals. Good luck everybody, and good love!
September 13th, 2007 at 1:30 am
Donna and Lindsey both make good points and both have offered the veritable anecdotes that I and other Males have spoken of here but I would like to address this before leaving you all.
What I failed to mention in that equation of what is extremely hard to find in an ideal woman is this…
A woman that is physically appealing(athleticly proportioned in her anatomy or atleast inclined), has an attractive face(one that is nice to view in the early morning hours before breakfast), as well as the kind, sweet, and intelligent aspect of a personality that I spoke of earlier… is a rare find.
I’d venture to say that both Donna and Lindsey are the perverbial “Full Figured” type a Gals that so frequently engage in discussion forums like these. Not only this but that the men that they have dated or been with intimately were considerably older than what they are now. In other words atleast 8 to 10 years older than them.
I have come into contact with many “Full Figured” Gals that are high in sex drive and spontaneous about how they are willing to go about getting it but the reality is their appearances do not inspire Men to want to be any more “interested” than what they are being showed.
There ain’t 1 athlete married to a hotty whose hotty would say that she has a higher sex drive than her man. Pamela did not have a higher sex drive than Tommy Lee. Britney did not have a higher sex drive than Kevin Fed. Eddie Murphy’s ex-model wife did not have a higher sex drive than him. Janet Jackson does not have a higher sex drive than Jermaine Dupri. J_Lo didn’t have a higher sex drive than either P.Diddy(aka Puffy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs) nor Ben Affleck. Hell Catherine-Zeta Jones does not have a higher sex drive than her Old Man Michael Douglas. It just doesn’t happen.
Bigger-Less attractive women tend to have higher sex drives than their more gorgeous Hotty type female counterparts not because they naturally require more sex but because they have a greater emotional and mental need for acceptance and validation by men. This hidden fact that no one wants to admit to is what fuels those high sex drives.
It’s funny(in an odd weird sense of the word funny) but it’s the opposite in men though. Overweight-Less Attractive men have no need of acceptance or validation so they accept their fates and lose their apetites for sex altogether and are more apt to substitute an unhealthy lifestyle of overeating or some other form of over-indulgence. Any man that is mildly athletic and only borderline acceptable in appearance to the most Super Charged Athlete and HOT Males will be highly sexually charged. Again… I just named off some mildly athletic and average in appearance males that are prime representatives of the male gender and psyche in the United States. Just think of your Music and Film Industry. The majority of the men are average in appearance but the women are all factory made/built. The women are SLAM’n!!!!!!
If you are a woman and are in a relationship with a half decent looking man that doesn’t want to sex you all day and night everyday… it isn’t because you have a higher sex drive than he does… it’s because you just don’t arouse or excite him enough to want to any more than he already does.
I’m not saying this to be mean or nasty or to upset the female participants here. I’m just being real.
So… in closing… and all honesty… what has brought me here as well as what I suspect has brought all the other male participants here is this…
Maybe the subject should be… “Are HOT women equally interested in, and do they think about, sex as much as Men do?”
Take care everyone. Great discussion.
September 13th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Sex is the greatest driver behind Human behavior right behind the insitinct to survive. Eat then have Sex. So that would be equal for men and women, for survial of the species. Because human young have to be reared for so long the bond has to be strong. Human Beings are among the sexiest primates. The motivation may be slightly different but the bonding goal and survial of the species is universal. THe population is greater than at any time in history so we must be doing a GOOD JOB.
September 13th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
My experience is that sex drive varies in both men and women. My ex-husband had a lower sex drive, however, maybe like the guys say I just didn’t turn him on. My current boyfriend has as strong a sex drive as I do, but tells me that I am unusually interested in sex per his experience. As for body type, I am slender, average height, blonde, and told by guys & women friends that I am quite the hottie. I feel no need to have sex to validate my worth as a woman. I like sex. Of course it helps that my guy knows what he’s doing in the bedroom, and has no need for viagra. We have had sex as often as five times in three days. He is 52, and I am 47. I’ve been told I could easily pass for 30.
September 13th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
There are so many mitigating factors to this survey that it is basically useless. For one thing, we don’t even know the genders of the respondants.
For another thing, the survey doesn’t answer HOW women and men want sex (Something that many of the posters have helped clarify. Kudos to you all.). Anyway, without further ado, here’s why men want sex more than women, put in first person for your enjoyment.
Although I can last an extra extra long time, and strive to do so because I wanna be a super duper lovah man, and because I’m a Sagittarius (We’ve got skills)…I am biologically built to spread my seed and move on. If I WANT to (and as crude as this sounds, I need to say to make my point), I can reach orgasm within two minutes any time I want to. This completely shapes my mindset as I walk down the street. I want to have sex with practically every woman I see on the street because I could conceivably have sex with 30 women per hour! Moreover, I don’t care if any of these women want to have sex with me ever again, and none of them will get me pregnant, so I won’t ever experience months and months of consequences within my body for having sex. I like good sex, but I don’t need good sex, and regardless of how good my lover is in bed, I will reach climax every time.
Women, on the other hand, take an average of seven minutes or more to achieve orgasm (and it must be with a skilled lover), or don’t get one at all. Moreover, women can get pregnant, and therefore, it makes sense to be more selective. Naturally, a woman isn’t walking down the street worrying about getting pregnant all the time, but think about it: carrying and creating a life within one’s own body is a miracle and a HUGE, life changing responsability! Sex is a MUCH MUCH bigger deal to women than it is to men. So, even if they want sex, they PREFER good sex, at the right time, preferably with a reliable mate, etc, etc.
We men want sex more than women, because really, our libido doesn’t care if it’s good sex, because, once again, any sex is good sex because we always orgasm and we never get pregnant. Ultimately, men want sex more than women do because we have no “check” to make us not want it or reconsider it.
Let me be clear: In the everyday world we all seek love and companionship. Plus, there are women who have higher sex drives than men, and it’s possible that the majority of women in their 33-43 sexual primes want sex more than their declining (15 years past their sexual prime) males. However, in terms of DESIRE for pure, no strings attached sex, the male libido is unparalleled.
Having said all of the above, my contrary belief is that the truly mature man is one who dedicates himself to one woman, and places her above all other women, and who can shrug off, ignore, or just tolerate temptation.
September 13th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
PS: I just wanted to add that in my entry I’m talking about how much men want sex. I wasn’t factoring in downtime, stress, physical limitations, emotion, etc, etc. I was just talking pure Desire. Even though many men think about sex every minute of the day, they couldn’t actually survive having sex every minute of the day, every hour, every day for ever and ever. Neither could women.
September 13th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
I totally agree with SuiteSoulbrotha statement:
Bigger-Less attractive women tend to have higher sex drives than their more gorgeous Hotty type female counterparts not because they naturally require more sex but because they have a greater emotional and mental need for acceptance and validation by men. This hidden fact that no one wants to admit to is what fuels those high sex drives.
That just proves that a pretty face does not mean anything, but the person’s character and the way she conducts herself, and I know that means more to a man than just a body. Now, I’m talking about the average man, not a bum. Bums will fall for the body only and could care less about her character.
September 13th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Yeah, what Esteban said!
September 14th, 2007 at 2:40 am
i’m told both male & female sexdrives generally are higher and lower at certain ages-this soul brotha guy called it right -i think re/the big girls using sex to get validation…some say “women give sex to get love…men give love (ie.affirmation, consideration, attention…) to get sex.
men crave it more than women…but everyones different…i hope to find a woman… a God love/respecting hottie who can be free to lay it on me thick… our minds and souls are mixed up in this as much as our bodies, mental hangups clog the flow of this, as do fears…
September 14th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Sex is a dynamic activity and a process happening between two consenting adults. Both women and men disposed to it from entirely different perspectives.
September 15th, 2007 at 5:04 am
Jack Black: Thank you for the information!
I’ve actually wondered if there was a difference between European (foreign) women and American women. Their desire for sex is perfect, but the fact that they are more loving and appreciative of everything life has to offer is definitely the BIGGEST turn on. I guess the American lifestyle of work work work has forced women to lose that around here. Where are the women who feel romance by simply being under the stars or in a God-given, naturally beautiful place?! American women (for the most part) need to get a grip, and enjoy simple things, instead of being attracted to money. Read this and learn something!
September 15th, 2007 at 11:18 am
This survey only measures what we say we think the sex drive of men and women is and doesn’t actually touch the question of who has the higher sex drive. And people do want to appear polically correct. Clearly, we want to believe that the sexes are about equal in desire. But are they?
That women CAN have as great a sex drive as men is indisputeable.They CAN be insatiabley driven be it.
Each person, male or female, is an individual and has their own unique perspective and motivation for sex. The basic drive itself can be very powerful for anyone, though as people have pointed out, sex is often sought for other than sexual reasons…ie. to prove attractiveness.
Do women have as high a sex drive as men? If we look at it statistically, I doubt it very much. There are some women who want sex more than most men and some men who want sex less than most women, but overall the popular idea that more men want more sex more often for more of their lives (and more desperately) is probably dead on the money. It is based on tons of personal observation by the population as a whole, and it makes sense.
Biologically, men have more motivation and less investment in sex for the sake of sex. Socially, things are changing and their is a lot of emphasis and attention on female sexuality which has freed up women, and encouraged them to be very sexual. There is still a lot of resistance to this change and that resistance alone would create a society where women where are statiscally less sexually free. But even without society, men have the bigger push in the back from biology. Women can learn to be very sexual, and those that do are highly prized by most men.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Sex is not the issue when I consider getting to know a woman. The issues are “what” she is and “how” she is. Personality, social skills, athleticism, awarenss, and values have to be there first. She has to be someone who is fun to be with, and is a good mixer in social situations. Most of our lives are spent outside of the bedroom, so it’s the chemistry of how we interact and what we do outside of the bedroom that is top priority for me. If we never get to “sex”, so what? It’s a non-issue.
September 15th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
It’s very simple. Women don’t have the rejection rate that men encounter and can be more selective, creating the illusion that they are not as aggressive. So when a women goes out on a mission to satisfy an itch, chances are they will be scratching that itch the same evening! I make it a habit not to reject, however I am never in the position to make that choice. I am not saying women do not get rejected but they go for cream of the crop where as most men are bottom feeders and will take what they can get. Sometimes that can take a long time with a lot of no’s in between!
September 15th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
I think that men and women both want sex, but because of what our culture allows as acceptable behavior for women and men, men will be more expressive about their desire for sex than women. The more socitety allows women to express themselves with less criticism, the more likely women will become more open to telling a man what she thinks and wants.
September 15th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Men can have low libidos too. I dated a guy that was like that. He was too tired for it a lot of times. It was frustrating.
September 16th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Don’t Agree.
Sexual desire for women is connected to trust.
I haven’t found research to indicate that component for men.
Some of the responses from men were harsh – and chauvenistic.
Just look at the differences for men and women in the replies.
September 17th, 2007 at 12:29 am
Both want it just as bad. Women just hide it because of double standards.
September 17th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Paul you gotta be young or dumb or both to believe that. Pull your head out of the sand man!
September 21st, 2007 at 11:40 am
Interesting to read comments. There are men and women who think of having sex all the time; there are men and women who never (or rarely) think of sex. The old bell curve applies. However, the biological imperatives of men and women differ. The male is designed to impregnate as many women as possible; women are designed to carry the rest of the burden. There are trade offs for both.
As for the poor misguided folks who say “all American women are such and such”, I feel sorry for you. I have had delightful sex with men of differing nationalities, and you’d probably be surprised at the variety of my experience. The man whose memories are warmest in my mind (1989, and I still remember) was from Argentina, a non-English speaker I met in Paris…a lawyer and soccer player…sigh. But I wouldn’t go to Argentina looking for sex because “all Argentinian men are great in bed”. It would be an idiotic assumption. Nor would I assume all non-English speakers are great in bed, which would make the same amount of sense!
Oh well. Just throwing in my two cents’ worth, from a life time of experience. I am 60 now, and look back over most of my life with no regrets and great enjoyment of the many adventures.
By the way, I was an attractive girl, and enjoyed it. But I don’t miss being a pretty girl, as I am much more into being useful now. You won’t see me getting a face lift or a tummy tuck….or bleaching my hair, which is still a lovely, long strawberry blonde.
It is nice to no longer feel the biological imperative of carrying on the specie; now I am free to relax, and sex (when I can get it) is better and more enjoyable than it ever was when I worried about getting pregnant.
You all have a nice day now, and if you have a chance to have sex, enjoy it!
Thanks and sincerely,
Claudia
September 22nd, 2007 at 8:40 am
I agree with what Lindsey said by about 100%. I am 40 now, but when I turned 30, my libido spiked. I stopped caring about the bubble baths and candles (that I cared about when I was in my 20’s because that is what I was “taught” was important) and just wanted to get naked and get my needs met, the quicker the better. After all, I don’t need to warm up to eating, I don’t need to warm up to sleeping, I don’t need to warm up to peeing. Sex is another physical need in which gratification comes from relief, and not so much the circumstances surrounding the act.
But how about this as food for thought… and if possible, I’d like to hear what Lindsey’s position is on this. When I turned 30 I became extremely active in the gym and turned my interest to taking care of myself. I find that how I perceive sex has everything to do with how good I look and feel about myself. When I feel sexy, I want sexy. When I feel fat, I want to cover up. I would like to see a poll where women rate their sexual desire and their self image. I would venture to say that the more attractive and sexy a woman feels, the more her man is getting it.
Does this mean only attractive women want sex. Not at all. My first husband made me feel overweight and unattractive after our child was born. He didn’t’ get much sex. In fact, I’m surprised we ever had a second child. My second husband made me feel very sexy even after our child was born. We began having sex again the day I got out of the hospital.
Lesson to learn… if you want your woman more, forget creating a romantic environment and figure out how to convince her she’s drop dead sexy. For me, comparing husband one and two, it was little things my second husband did, like rub a finger across my arm and say… “You have such beautiful skin”. Husband one would just grab my butt while I did dishes and ask if I wanted to go to the bedroom. The butt grab says… “I want sex.” Playing with a woman’s hair or rubbing her arm or sporadic hugs throughout the day says… “I want you.”
And my advice for women who want to increase their sexual desire… Don’t put it all off on your husband. Start taking care of yourself. Get your hair done, get your nails done, get some stylish clothes, eat healthier. But if nothing else, start exercising. I find that exercise is a powerful aphrodisiac. Nothing boost your feeling of “sexiness” like a getting in shape. And nothing boost your libido like feeling sexy.
Okay, I’m done here.
September 24th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Weighing back in here. I wanted to mention that many of my female friends have told me that if they go a long while without sex, they won’t think about it as much, but as soon as they do have sex, they wanna have it all the time. Plus, like many people have alluded to, a woman’s sexual peak is roughly between the ages of 33 and 40. Many couples experience trouble in their relationship at this time because–just as a man’s sex drive starts going down after years of sexual frustration–the woman suddenly wants sex more than he does.
Dawn said that for women sex is connected to trust. I agree. I agree, however, because for men, trust is not an issue for the biological reasons stated in my last posting. It’s unfair, but true.
September 26th, 2007 at 6:57 am
I think that this is really dependent upon the age of the people involved. I am a 25 year old man who has mostly been in relationships and involvement with women who are between 30 and 45, and one thing I’d say is true, is that women are generally more sexually interested at that age then men are. Men’s sexual drive generally is highest in their early twenties, and it starts to go down hill around twenty five or so, whereas women generally hit their height of sexual interest somewhere in their thirties. This is purely biological- women are nearing the end of their reproductive years at that age, and their body is trying to get them to reproduce as much as possible before menopuase. Men, on the other hand, began to be tired out around their mid twenties, generally from retained stress, physical labor, etc. Their are personal changes I have noticed with myself in the past five years. I need more sleep than I used to, sometimes my back hurts in the morning, and a lot of times, I just wake up and am too lazy to really want to do anything. I wouldn’t say my desire has decreased, as so much that I am too tired to pursue it actively.
September 29th, 2007 at 10:03 am
I would say that,on average women probally do want sex as much as men. But what I would like to know is,are there just as many women who wants or thinks about sex as there are men? I’m sure that everyone knows a sexully charged women, but in a study of one hundred men and women,what would the ratio be?
September 29th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
As I read through the different responses I found it suprising at how many people sterotyped women as needing intimacy or the promise of committment in order to desire sex. I know that generally, the idea of women wanting sex and not needing committment isn’t socially acceptable like it is for men but I do think it is more prevelant than people think. I for one am a single woman who may eventually want to have a relationship after sex but right now, I like my independance and just enjoy sex. No strings attatched! I do not think I am unusual, I think though that most women won’t admit to others that she feels this way because of the labels a woman gets for enjoying the company of men on a superficial level.
October 3rd, 2007 at 1:33 am
Some of the guys replying to this subject seem confused. It’s not that women don’t want sex as much as a guy does…it’s that women, *generally* (I can’t speak for everyone, obviously!) would like “warm-up” time. Sex is not just physical, it’s mental and emotional as well. If you don’t want to waste time on these things, then you aren’t going to find women who want to make love to you. We want to be wined, dined, flattered and shown you’re interested in us. This is as much a part of foreplay as what goes on in the bedroom!! That’s why some guys think women are not as interested in sex. They guy wants to get right to “the act”…women (usually) want to have some “warm up time”. Give us that, and you will find a very willing, exciting partner.
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:01 am
As for NIck, SoulBrotha, etc; you guys are so superficial it’s pathetic. And to categorize American women as being less romantic and satisfying than other women is ridiculous. I suspect you and your compatriots are very much the kind of male, (not man…there’s a difference), who bases his self-worth on his genetalia and how frequently he can obtain a conquest.
October 5th, 2007 at 10:41 am
I think that women for too long have been viewed as wanting sex less than men but I think if we were to get honest, we would see that women want it equally as much as men. I know someone women, including myself, who seem to want it more than men. For a long time, it was “taboo” for a woman to be open about having a strong desire for sex but for many of us, it’s a fact. Sex is an incredible gift and expression of love and it’s fun and amazing when shared in the context of marriage, the way God designed it. I hope that whoever I marry can keep up with my appetite!
October 10th, 2007 at 1:37 am
Talk about skewed results. The poll would be much more interesting if placed at the BEGINNING of the article. Instead, everyone reads the article, sees what the “experts” say, then — surprise, surprise — 79% of all respondents agree with the “experts.”
October 13th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
I am not sure men and women desire sex equally. Each of us is different in that regard. As long as you and your partner agree on and can accommodate each others needs and desires who cares what the experts say?
October 16th, 2007 at 12:49 am
My libido always goes up when I have time to breathe and think about more than just getting through the next chore/task I have to get through. Sadly, my former spouse wasn’t able to grasp this concept and sex became another chore/task on my to-do list.
Istongly believe that ther isn’t an imbalnce in sex drives just reponsibilties.
October 18th, 2007 at 7:37 am
I would like to meet Davicio del Toro -
My kind of man and I am probably his kind of woman.
katherine
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Well if we jump out of Western culture and go back in time to ancient Jewish law, it required men to make sex available to their wives a minimum number of times per week, depending on the men’s line of work. (Men of leisure had to offer it more, and laborers less.) It didn’t require the women to reciprocate or to accept! But it seemed to assume that the woman was going to want more sex than the man, and had a right to have a minimum amount.
October 26th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Men want it more 99.9% of the time. End of story.
October 29th, 2007 at 11:49 am
The Q is a bit misleading. It is not the fact that sex is more important to one than the other, but to what extent sex weighs on a relationship and to what order it is in the steps of a relationship. I have observed that both want sex. Men see it as a vehicle to intimacy, while women see it as the destination. These observations are in serious relationships and not found within the clubbing scene, which is a different intent.
Rich
October 31st, 2007 at 2:32 am
Well…I am not sure about others, but in my last relationship I wanted more sex than the guy did. I have a few friends who share this problem. I say problem, because it is frustrating as a woman not to be pursued.
I also have two other friends who are not interested in sex as much as their guys.
I always hear that guys want more sex, but I have not met this guy yet! I wonder if this is just in the movies??
And how much you ask would I say is enough? I think every other day and even every day is nice. i wonder if a man gets this on a regular basis, if he would be less interested in wanting sex? Well I wish men DID want more sex.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:17 am
Sex is intimacy. Intimacy is the need to shares yourself deeply with someone, and in sharing we release our selves of the burden of self awareness to our flaws and find ourselves enlightened and delighted in feeling others are or have become one with our special views and our special selves (the sharing of one with another) – this is a self supporting egotistical boost and works to raises our self esteem and in equal parts lower our self awareness to our flaws.
Not to mention the physiological health benefits that correlate with sex and hormones.
So in short having sex makes us feel more at ease being our selves and also feel as if we belong to something bigger than ourselves.
If we subconsciously acquire our understanding of a “sexual desire level†that we perceive others have, by equating it with our own personal level of sexual desire that we have for others.
Then this to say that for all we know others are just as interested in sex as we are, and or for all intents and purposes “should beâ€â€¦
We all have “the need to share ourselves†and to find a better place where the better things we have to offer belong…
This is how we grow and develop ourselves as human beings.
Sex is personal effect that comes from human nature so is conversation.
It’s in our nature to procreate and verbally express ourselves.
Sex can also be a social anomaly so can conversation, just like sports and the construct of our work place and the television sitcoms that show us what has become of our society…
If you are good at sex share it and find a place/person where it belongs and is well received.
If you are good at conversation share it and find a place/person where it belongs and is well received.
If you are good at sports share it and find a place/person where it belongs and is well received.
By being free spirited sexually oriented people we are at the mercy of society saying where it does and does not belongs…
What works in public or mainstream society does not work well in our personal lives…
Let’s enjoy our sex and not destroy or pervert our world…
Let’s realizes where sociological respects end and we as people begin…
Let’s have patience in waiting for society to become “personaliety†and grant substance to being human beings, and embrace our human nature.
The discovery of “human nature†is where we will find our answers.
There will always be an ongoing and ever changing understanding of society and how we must nurture our proliferating sociological perception of one another.
We are not dealing with human beings and the nature of human beings when we question sex in society.
We are saying society has a say in how the nature of human beings should be sexually, so that society as a whole can become more comfortable with the sexuality of human beings and define its place in this world.
We will always be one people if we are looked at as “human beingsâ€, and we should look closely at human nature if we are to understand our place.
But, as a society (by very definition being an all inclusive) us having an empirical definition of whom we should be or all should become, with a proliferating notion of an ever changing society, and that does justice to being human beings and human nature, I believe in an alluding goal heading in the wrong direction.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:09 pm
It is odd, but I really do think about sex all the time. I am a bit rounder in the rear, but still shapely and pretty, and I don’t think of sex as a confidence booster. I’d just like the feeling and my hormones wouldn’t care who gives it, as long as he is good-looking or meaningful to me in some way (that does make a man more attractive to a woman, and that is why women can find a semi-ugly man sexy). However, like others have said, I do have to consider pregnancy, abandonment, etc. and so I don’t actually follow through on any of my thoughts.
But that is still WANT, is it not? Maybe men go out and actually get it, but I’ve heard from friends and co-workers that women, especially around age 30, as I am, want sex a LOT.
And since I have chosen not to have sex til marriage, it is a constant annoyance in my mind, like a fly buzzing around during a picnic.
Guys, get it? Women, do you have the same problem?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
If you are just talking about sex – not a relationship then men want it more hands down. Check out any website devoted to hooking up – ads by men looking for women outnumber those for women looking for men by an enormous amount. Now go to a site where people are looking for a relationship and the numbers change dramatically. And here’s a thought experiment – ladies walk up to any guy (that looks good to you) and ask him to have sex with you – most guys will says yes. Now guys do the same – you’ll most likely get your faced slapped. For sex and sex alone – its no contest.
As for the comments about European women vs Americans, I have some experience and have generally found women in Europe to be more sexual and more romantically inclined where American women are interested in
money and/or dieting – sex seems lower priority, but that’s not uniformly true as I found at least one American girl for whom sex was #1