Opposites Attract: The Conundrum of the Precarious Couple
by Erina Lee | June 28th, 2007There’s a reason why people say opposites attract. Imagine an interaction between an inhibited man – someone rather shy, reluctant to speak up about what he thinks – and a disinhibited woman – someone more assertive, who says what she feels the moment it comes to mind. Any conversation between the two will likely be dominated by the disinhibited woman who expresses herself effortlessly while the inhibited man takes a moment to pull together his thoughts. 
This particular pair is known as a “precarious couple,” where an inhibited man pairs with a disinhibited woman (Swann, Sellers, & McClarty, 2006). But what’s interesting about this couple is that they are known to have highly toxic long-term relationships (Swann, Rentfrow, & Gosling, 2003). So how do these individuals come together in the first place and why do things go wrong?
Meeting someone who is talkative and open in first encounters, who takes the burden of conversation off of an inhibited man can be exciting. It offers a chance for such a man to get into a relationship without confronting his social anxieties. However over time, as the relationship develops, stressful topics and conflicts will inevitably arise, as in any relationship. And instead of confronting a critical, disinhibited partner, the inhibited man will often withdraw. This may lead to resentment and discontentment, not only for the man who feels anxious and criticized but also for the woman who is likely to feel that her message is not understood.
Understanding the risk of the precarious couple is an example of how the very things that attract us to someone can be the same things that we dislike about that person later. And since as we all have moments of inhibition and disinhibition, this study is relevant to each of us. Keep the lines of communication open, take responsibility to clearly express your feelings while understanding how any critical comments will come across to your partner. And always give one another time to respond thoughtfully in conversation; even the most verbal of persons on occasion needs time to fully express themselves.
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July 13th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Inhibition and disinhibition is not exclusive to socializing, can also relate to variety of personality attributes like athleticism, artistic ability, “book smarts”, expressing emotion, and feelings about spirituality. How does one know if their specific inhibition adversely effects the other’s disinhibition? These differences in levels of inhibition are what forms a complimentary union between two people. We should want someone else to give our own views perspective, right?
Whether inhibited or dis-, communication is the key.
July 21st, 2007 at 3:51 am
While opposites attract, in the long term you may find that you don’t have much in common with your partner and you’re not compatible. This can take years, as the article suggest, because of the initial attraction. I think we are attracted to personality traits we crave for ourselves. That’s why you see a lot of so-called introverts hooking up with extroverts. Although I’m not shy, I am closer to being an introvert. All my romantic relationships have been with people who were more outgoing and social because that’s what I want in my life. The problem came when I wasn’t so comfortable with the extrovert’s natural flirtatious behavior.
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:09 am
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