The Perfect First Date?
by Steve Carter | June 22nd, 2007
If finding love on the internet has changed forever the way our society meets, dates and marries, there is still one thing it hasn’t changed: The importance (and horror) of…the First Date!
Never, fear, brave readers. A Google-search on the string “perfect first date” returns about 64,000 entries…so we can safely assume that there is enough expert (err..) advice on the subject to guarantee success for even the most socially challenged Romeo or Juliet. However, just in case you’re still wondering, the science of Social Psychology can offer some additional clues for success. Excited? Good. Here we go:
Early in the history of psychology, William James theorized that emotions are interpreted from physiological cues. In other words, your body experiences some stimulus and your autonomic nervous system (regulated by the Thalamus and Limbic system) has a physiological reaction, such as muscular tension, a rise in heart rate, perspiration, and dryness of the mouth. Feedback from these reactions are then received by your cortex, which interprets them to create emotion.
So, for example: You see a lion, your autonomic system starts to pump adrenaline which get’s your heart pumping and your muscles ready to run like hell, THEN your cortex get’s the news, interprets (”Holy CRAP!”) and tells your body to start RUNNING! Thus, emotions are feelings which come about as a result of physiological events, rather than being their cause. 
Now, researchers since James have shown that cognitive interpretation can both follow and precede physical reactions, so it is overly simplistic to say that all emotions arise from physical reaction. However, things that happen some of the time can be just as important as things that happen ALL of the time. As it turns out, several researchers have shown that physical arousal caused by roller-coasters, high-places, scary movies, etc. can lead to heightened feelings of sexual attraction. For example, Dutton and Aron (1974) found that men who were contacted on a wobbly suspension bridge that was suspended over 200 feet above a rocky river were more sexually attracted to a female researcher than men who were contacted on a solid wood bridge that was only 10 feet above a shallow rivulet.
Lest you think that men braving high bridges are simply more amorous, in 2003 Meston and Frohlich had men and women waiting at an amusement park rate the dating desireability of photographs. Consistent with the arousal = attraction connection, subjects who were contacted AFTER riding a roller-coaster gave pictures a significantly higher rating than subjects contacted BEFORE riding a roller coaster!
So, when your planning that first date, try including an activity that will get the blood pumping! Find out if your date has always had an unfulfilled desire to go sky-diving or parasailing. Or maybe scary movies is their thing? Group activities such as beach volleyball or a pickup game of flag football are a great way to combine a safe first date with a good dose of physical arousal. Although theories explaining why differ, psychologists have repeatedly shown that what makes the heart beat, can also make the heart melt.
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June 24th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I am an older woman (50ish) who was married for 16 years. The thought of going out on a first date, or even just “dating”, just makes me so nervous and a little nauseous. It is a very scary dating world, compared to the last time I was dating. I am having a really hard time getting up my nerve to start all over again
June 28th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Dating is scarey only when an individual is not sure of what qualities they want in another person.
July 5th, 2007 at 1:18 am
[...] Excited? Good. Here we go… [...]
July 7th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
I’ve read the very same articles… It makes sense, now to find the girl that will let me take her out for some adrenaline fun…
July 8th, 2007 at 1:52 am
First dates don’t have to be scary…just don’t put so much expectation in them. Really, just think of it as having fun with a new friend, and as you get to know each other, you’ll have even more fun times.
Think of things you both would like to do, and do something that will get you talking.
No, don’t go to the movies. If you’re sitting there for two hours staring at a screen, that’s two hours that you could have been doing something more fun and getting to know each other.
Do you both like flea markets or open air markets? Every city has an open air market and flea markets. You can tell a lot about a person by what they pick up at a flea market. Do they have silly tastes? Do they like to bargain? Will they spend a lot on something they love? What do they love? Antiques, modern stuff, books?
It’s summer…every town has a festival going on. Look at the local newspapers’ community calendar pages and pick out one. Ethnic festivals, such as Italian festivals are really fun.
Or how about the carnival? Be kids…and go in the evening because the lights are prettier at night. And try to win that girl a prize, if you think you can. No matter how independent a girl is…well, there’s just something sweet about that.
Do you like art? Find a museum…an interactive one is best. I live near Pittsburgh, and the Warhol is so much fun when you’re with someone.
Whatever you do, don’t revolve drinking around it. If you’re nervous you’re going to drink more than you should, and you won’t get to know the other person in the right way.
Just whatever you do, have fun. Keep your mind open. You can have a perfectly fun date with someone…even if at first they may not seem like your type. It’s not like you will have to spend the rest of your life with that person…but you should keep yourself open to having fun right now!
July 8th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
great suggestions Jayme!
July 9th, 2007 at 12:02 am
This “research” is nothing new. People have known for years that when males (and females) experience an adrenaline rush, such as that found in sports and watching action or horror movies, they also experience heightened sexual arousal. Using an adrenaline fueling activity on a first date to create more attraction is no different than the kids using X to heighten arousal. It will result in later feelings of “what did I see in her (or him)”. That sort of activity is beneath the quality of service I believed eharmony to provide. I am disappointed that eharmony would encourage tactics such as this. Dating is difficult enough without having to worry that the other person is manipulating the environment in order to “create arousal” in you or themselves.
July 9th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Hi Diana.
Thanks for your comment. Luckily, I don’t think that most people consider having a great date to be the same as taking illicit drugs!
You are correct that the research on arousal (which has been discussed under the label of “misattribution”), as you can note from the articles from the 70’s and 80’s that I referenced. However, there is no research which suggests that your own “disappointment” theory is correct. The bottom line is: eHarmony does a great job of matching people based on compatibility models taken from successful marriages, but the onus is on you when it comes to determine how and if you connect with those matches.
So, whether you “create arousal” by trying to look your best, smell your best (see my next blog!) or taking your date on the Giant Dipper at the Boardwalk, we encourage you to give falling in love your best shot.
July 9th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
I live in a somewhat isolated area. I would like to know how one goes about dating someone at a distance.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Diane,
I was in a long-distance relationship for a while, and there is no question that the distance creates its own set of unique challenges. The situation wasn’t exactly the same as yours, in that we weren’t in isolated areas. We were just in different cities and different states. I do have some general suggestions, but one thing to consider. I am subscribed to eharmony now, so obviously that relationship didn’t work out, so feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt.
One of the easiest things to do is meet half-way, at any lankmarks, parks or other places of interest that you would share with a date. Also, a trip together, where you both pick out a city and meet there, is a good way to overcome the distance.
Again, the relationship I mentioned didn’t work out for me, but the distance wasn’t the reason. Physical distance does not have to be an obstacle for you meeting, getting to know and ultimately marrying the right person.
July 10th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Hi Diane,
Thanks for your post. Long-distance relationships have definitely grown in number since the advent and success of online dating as a method for finding a compatible partner… so you are definitely not alone in this question.
The one thing that I have NOT seen a large growth in is people talking about actual “virtual” dating. I’m not a big fan of virtual environments, but video “chatting” using IM programs and a cheap web-cam seems to offer an ideal way to really interact “face-to-face” with a romantic interest before travelling great distances.
My wife and her best friend from New York are both new mommies, and were extremely frustrated about not being able to spend time together. Then they discovered “Skype,” an online phone and messaging service that lets you do video conferencing with your computer (and the purchase of a webcam for about $20). The next thing I knew, my kids were having playdates in front of the computer with Luci in New York. One of my boys now likes to pull the picture of Luci that is on our refrigerator down and walk around the house kissing it. If that isn’t a testament to the power of virtual dating, I don’t know what is!
July 12th, 2007 at 8:32 am
I’m sure the research is correct that a person is more attracted to someone sexually after an adrenalin producing activity, but who wants that on a first date.
July 12th, 2007 at 10:51 am
First dates don’t need to be long, expensive or scary. Meet at the bowling center, just sit and watch get a soda and talk. Go to the park with a bottle of water and sit on a park bench and talk. Meet at a bookstore or the mall [personally hate the mall but it is a non-threatening place] I like the flea market Idea. “Just do it!!”
July 14th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Steve,
Thanks for the article, I laughed as I read it and kept smiling through the whole reading. That is exactly how I will feel and look as I head out for my first date in 15 years. Thanks for the advice and the laugh. Ruth
July 14th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I’m with Diana on this one. On the one hand, eHarmony’s advice is to “reign in” our sexual desires in the beginning of the relationship because it clouds the other important areas of compatability (or incapatability as the case may be). On the other hand, eHarmony is advising to engage in first date activities that “heighten” our sexual desires, effectively asking us to pour gasoline on what may already be a kindling fire. Diana’s comment about drugs is certainly appropriate because both illicit drugs, alcohol and adrenaline based activities elevate the frontal lobe portion or the pleasure center of the brain and overpower the other portions of the brain. Like avoiding alcohol on a first date is wise, so too activities which elevate the adreneline should be delayed until later in the relationship. In short, the latter advice is in contradiction to former and should certainly be reevaluated or clarified by eHarmony.
July 15th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
On Long distance dating – How do you get to know people in other places if they are not interested in long distance friendships, whether it leads to romance or not. I have family living on three continents whom I visit from time to time, how nice it would be on my travels to eventually meet up with someone I have built up a friendship with over the internet. Come on guys, dont be put off by distance we are living in a global village, and who knows the lady of your dreams may just fly into town one day and you never knew because you were put off by distance!
July 16th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
The perfect first date is one where you have the opportunity to spend time with your date, talking over a fine dinner. It doesn’t have to be a the most expensive restaurant, but one where you are not rushed by the waiter.
I find that the combination of good food, good atmosphere and a willingness to communicate has a tendency to put the other person at ease. It also gives you a chance to look the other person in the eyes and see if there is any connection. The conversation doesn’t have to be “heavy”…keep it light. It is amazing what you can find out about your date…there likes and dislikes…what makes them happy and what excites them about life.
July 16th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I agree with the article that producing adrenaline (in addition to the adrenaline already flowing on a first or early date with someone) heightens your senses and makes you more “aroused”; however, should “sexual arousal” be the objective of a first date? It’s not for me….I would say conversation and enjoying each other’s company are more important. Down the road a little, I think skydiving is in order, though…
July 17th, 2007 at 6:20 am
I once asked a boyfriend when did he fall in love with me. He said it was on our third date, which was at an amusement park. I’m not with him anymore but we were together seven years.
Our first date was the conventional dinner and holding hands down the street. The second date at the beach. But it was the third date of rollercoasters and water rides that convinced him he was in love. Go figure!
Although he told me he fell in love on the third date it wasn’t until three months later that he actually told me. We took a trip to Las Vegas and rode the Stratosphere. After the big drop, that had my heart in my stomach, he said I love you. Of course I didn’t believe him. The man was faced with death.
Do you think the adrenaline rush helped or hurt our relationship? Remember, where not together anymore.
July 17th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Hi Jana,
Thanks for your post. This is a really great question, and it really speaks to what Diane and John are alluding to: What is the right way to fall in love?
The eHarmony system was built to dramatically reduce the risk of unhappy relationships by selecting a pool of people that you are more compatible with based on analysis of married couples. So, in other words, we’ve studied who you should fall in love _with_. The assumption implicit to this system (and supported in some research studies) is that people make selections based mostly on physical attraction and sexual arousal, which can be very poor predictors of long-term compatibility. We have shown that married couples who met using eHarmony have significantly “better” relationships than those who meet through traditional means.
However, I don’t know of any research which has actually compared the longevity or happiness of relationships based on “how” the participants fell in love. Do partners who start out as work colleagues fare better than those who meet in a park? Are some “methods” of falling in love, or wooing a partner, inherently more honest than others, or associated with more honest and happy relationships? For that matter, does falling in love happen in a discrete enough moment in time that creating a typology of how it happens would even be possible?
I think that these are fascinating questions. For now though, I believe the answer to your question is that the method matters less than the man (or woman). If you’re with the right person, it really doesn’t matter what causes the sparks to fly, and vice versa.
July 18th, 2007 at 12:56 am
I am currently 18 years old and have been in a long distance relationship for a few days shy of 21 months. Everything is going great, even though it is very difficult at time to keep it that way. There are arguments and the like that happen in all relationships, but she has made me the happiest I have ever been. We have only seen each other twice and she is coming down again in a month. Does anyone have any plans on what we can do? I live near Austin, Texas, but we plan on staying in Corpus Christi for several days. The beach is an obvious go-to place, but something really special would be awesome. Any suggestions?
July 18th, 2007 at 5:17 am
Thanks Steve. I think you are right. The relationship itself was a rollercoaster ride. Because in the end we just were not compatible.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I think there is way to much pressure put on a first date. I love telling people the story of my first date with a very nice man I met on eHarmony. We live about 2 hours apart from each other. After emailing and talking on the phone for a little over a month we decided that we should met in person. He agreed to drive up to my town but insisted that we meet in a public place. So I planned for us to meet at a local park that also hosted a Farmers Market. However as the day approached it was obvious that the weather was not going to cooperate, it was going to be record breaking heat on the day we had arranged to meet. I offered him the opportunity to come up the following weekend but he said he wasn’t concerned about the heat. So in 100 degree humid weather we meet at a park. There was no opportunity to great dressed up all fancy, it was just to hot to even bother. So he got to see me for the first time as I am most days, no makeup and nothing fancy. And strangely enough, I was not in the least bit nervous about this first date.
We spent the next 3 hours sitting in the park and then down by a river talking and laughing and sweating together. It was undeniably the best first date I have ever had. Later that evening after he had gotten home, he emailed me the song It’s Too Darn Hot. A very appropriate song to describe our first date and has now become our song.
Although we both came away from the first meeting with more questions then answers, I can only say that our relationship has only continued to grow deeper and stronger from that point on. Just a few months later he told me he loved me and this weekend we will celebrate the 1st Anniversary of our first Hot Date. (Thankfully it is about 30 degrees cooler this year.)
July 26th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
More useless nonsense trying to be passed on as advice.
July 29th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
I’m not sure that skydiving or an adventure date is a good first date. I think that getting to know a person slowly is a good idea. The basic dinner and movie or something is good. That lets you talk and get an idea for where you want the relationship to head towards.
July 29th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Thanks for the advice, I hope you feel better knowing that you are helping a lot of people.
Also, I don’t think Steve’s intent was to the point of “How to get your date aroused” more like “I want you to be aware of this so you can utilize whatever way you deem appropriate”
August 1st, 2007 at 9:57 pm
This may be totally off the cuff, but one thing I’ve discovered on E-Harmony is that “Never” Drinks means “Recovering Alcoholic” for the vast majority of men I’ve been matched with.
I’m fairly open-minded, not too judgmental, and want to be compassionate, but discovering this is hardly endearing or otherwise appealing. This sort of honesty makes sense in the recovery process, but what I’ve learned is that people involved with AA will be spending many hours of their lives with other alcoholics as mentors, etc., as well as repairing all the damage to themselves and their families, so it seems there may be more room for social work than romance with an alcoholic. And since there’s no cure for alcoholism, how does one muster the confidence to even date someone who will always be in recovery?
Am I missing something here?
August 1st, 2007 at 11:43 pm
I think Deryn is absolutely correct. I have no problems with communicating with someone long distance or even a long distance relationship. But it’s funny. I put in that distance didn’t matter and I am assuming that most of the men that have been “sent” my way did the same thing because I get their info from all over the globe. But the funny thing is that some of them put in “they think the distance is too great”. They are either lying to themselves or to the women on eharmony about their reasons why they don’t want to even “chat” with them before they make up their minds on whether they like or dislike them. I have been told that I am good looking (whether I totally believe it or not is beside the point) so I feel like when they do the “distance is too great” bit they are looking for something more than a lasting relationship. I believe they should be more truthful about their reasons why they want to close the match. If they don’t like your match responses or don’t like the way you look, that’s fine – I have no problems with that. But the closed because “the distance is too great” makes me feel like they want you to be in the same town or closer to where they are. It makes me feel like they are out only for sex and I feel that you should get to know someone really good before you commit yourself to that level of “knowledge”. So, long distance is ok because you can email, text and phone the other person. During that conversational period you get to know each other without any expectations other than trying to find out if this is someone you want to get to know better. After you have gone thru the conversational period you can decide at that point whether a first meeting is warranted or whether that person is just going to be a good friend or not a friend at all. But don’t dismiss someone of the opposite sex just because of distance. You may be missing that someone who “would’ve” been the most important person in your life – your soul mate!! What I am saying basically is – DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER!! There is almost always more between the book covers than the picture or what the beginning information shows!
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 am
How about just simple – meet late morning for a cup of coffee – that can be extended into lunch. Easy! Don’t make a big deal of things.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:00 pm
All of these coments are good ones. I am trying to date after being married to one man since I was 17 years old. And believe me it is very scary. there is a lot more out there now than there was back then. My husband passed away leaving me alone. I guess that is the reason that I have chosen eHarmony. And I am now talking with a few guys haven’t met either of them yet. But I feel like I have maybe learned a little bit and maybe that will help when I do have that first date after 29 years. I believe eHarmony is a safe place to start. Another thing my sister found her husband or soul mate on eHarmony and they have been perfect for each other. They have been married for two years now. So I am just waiting for the right guy to reply back to me. And maybe now I can keep an open mind, and yes I like to see if there is a physical attraction before I reply to someone, so the picture thing is a great thing I think. But again some one else said he may not be good looking unitl you meet him and since then I have changed the way that I look at the photo. If they have a photo I read their profile first to see if I like ther response and then I go look at the picture and that has helped also. So I will let you know how my search goes, oh and wish me luck.
August 5th, 2007 at 5:54 am
I agree with what Pam and Nancy have to say. What’s up with the “distance is to great between us” anyway? What’s the matter with getting to know someone by email or phone before you meet? And in that case what does distance matter? If you are really care about someone, distance doesn’t matter and more than likely one or the other will be willing to relocate – that is if they really love the other person. And dating after a very long marriage is really scary!
August 5th, 2007 at 11:09 am
In Reply To Steve, Jana, and others on the adrenaline topic:
I personally think activities that have the blood flowing is a good thing. I remember having my first kiss while I was teaching someone how to defend themself. kinda weird huh? lol
Okay, I have a question now about the first date thing. What do you guys recommend on a first date with a woman who you know very well. I’ve been interested in this one woman for about 5 months now and we have been friends for a year. I believe she is that special one, but I haven’t asked her to go on a date yet. I was thinking of maybe going to a nice restaurant and then going to a field and watch the stars, because she loves food and the sky. do you guys think this is a good idea? please e-mail me at t_dublin@rock.com. thanks
August 5th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Going somewhere with someone you don’t know very well is scary enough without adding the element of physical danger. I like to think of myself as having an adventerous spirit, but if someone suggested skydiving as a first date I would think they were out of their mind.
Seems to me like some people think the first date is for finding out if there is physical attraction rather than an opportunity to find out what this person has to offer in a relationship. First date behaviours are consistently the bellwether for what the rest of your experience with this person will be like. Not to say that it has to be elaborate or expensive, but that it is an opportunity to see if the other person is thoughtful, kind and considerate.
Recently I went on what I would call a very unsatisfying first date. The plan was to check out a small art community near where I live. Lots of little shops and places to eat- sounds like a great idea, right? My gentleman freind suggested that I pick him up at his home (1/2 hour from where I live), and drive to our destination. So far we’re doing okay.
What I noticed was that he was totally unprepared for the outing- he did not even know where we were going. (”You’ve been there before, right? I thought you would know the way.”) He did not even bring so much as a bottle of water with him. (This is Arizona. Everyone brings water EVERYWHERE.) What this told me was that he wasn’t prepared to bring anything to a relationship, either. Just along for the ride. He was, however, clever and witty enough to check my pulse along the way to “see if I was attracted to him”. So although he was rather cute, appeared to have a good job and a nice home, and was funny and smart… color me so not interested.
A whole generation of women will know what I’m talking about when I ask them to call to mind a scene in the movie Say Anything in which Lloyd (John Cusak) and Diane are walking home from their first date. As they are walking Lloyd stops Diane to point out some broken glass, and kicks it out of the way for her. It’s a pivotal moment in the movie, because it shows he intends to look after her well being.
So I think my point here is that what’s important on a first date is being able to truthfully show what you have to offer as a person, not to create blinding physical attraction. Chemistry is crucial to any successful partnership, but focusing on attraction is how we get stuck in relationships with people that get our hearts pumping, but frustrate us in other ways.
Speaking from the female point of view, all you men out there who may be pressing your shirt, or cleaning your car before a date, opening a door or bringing a bottle of water for us, or keeping us from crossing the street at an inopportune time- keep doing what your doing. Don’t switch to coaxing us out to skydive or try the newest roller coaster just yet. Unless you’re 22, of course.
August 5th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
I loved reading all the responses to this article. I find long distance dating to be intriguing, because at some point in time, you will know if you are indeed interested in that individual or not. I find it an easier way to get to know someone!! face it, once you have physical contact, it adds new dimensions to the relationship, and for some, it makes it really complex.
August 5th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Hi Nancy,
I agree with you on the subject of eharmony being relatively safe. Dating can be somewhat scary especially if it has been many years. Getting back to the physical attraction element and sharing photos.
I am still curious what staff here would say to my next question. I chose to let matches view my photos at a certain place in the communication stage. Also, if they had not posted a photo I would not disclose mine either. I realize most of us base a certain portion of our preferences on physical looks. I wanted to get some feedback on what members think if there is no photo posted; is the person usually taking the time to see their match is truly interested in getting to know them or why the are waiting ??
Several years ago, I met someone whom I had a true blind date with. At first I thought , “wow, hes not my type at all!” I didnt find him attractive. But, the more I got to know him and the more we saw each other- we really hit it off. I was surprised more than anyone. To this day he remains one of the funnest and flirtiest guys I ever dated.
Well anyway good luck on your future prospects and have fun!
August 10th, 2007 at 5:40 am
I am finding that the photo idea is good, but I won’t release one until having entered the last of guided communication. My experience on eHarmony with a photo came as a shock when having entered open communication, forgotten to open the view on my photo, and upon doing received an immediate “Match Closed” response with the reason of “Other” listed. OUCH! And I am not bad looking, either.
August 12th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
After reading Tony’s comments on liking someone
for a year and never mentioning it to her….
I think it’s time. It’s tough for women to wait around
to be asked out. So…don’t waste any more time, or you
may find the woman you are interested in is tired of
waiting and has moved on. You asked what to do on a
first date…. A nice restaurant with a view may work well. Then
maybe a scenic walk, or whatever you both agree on, would be good.
Just be decisive, honest & honorable and follow your heart.
Most of my female friends & I really appreciate
guys who are kind, considerate, honest & fun to be
with. You sound like a really decent guy that respects
women… so your chances of success are great.
Throw fear aside….and take the next step in getting
to know your “friend” better… before some other guy does.
August 18th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I tried Match.com and found 90% of the men were either liars , looking for a quick bang or married . the way match and many other sites work, you go “trolling”, based on looks alone. eharmony allows you to look at your potential date but is based on the other matching qualities first.
Katt, forget the guy who closed the match once he saw your photo. Doesn’t matter how you look, it DOES matter how open the supposed “match” is to getting to know YOU as a person. Consider this, you saved yourself time and energy on a person who has a shallow side. I was sent several matches that were the same height as me , I’ve always said “oh, I don’t like short guys” or “Oh , I like the tall dark, ect.type” but you know what? the man I’m dating now at eharmony is not especially tall and is blond /blue and an absolutely sweet ,kind and generous….who knew?
As for first date, keep it short! I like meeting for a coffee at Starbucks. It’s open all hours, very public . Lunch & dinner are too long and can be uncomfortable if you find nothing in common or no chemistry there. If there is a “click” you can always meet up again . good luck
August 19th, 2007 at 9:18 am
Ok well, I’ve had my share of dates to dinner, amusement parks, movies, malls, Farmers markets, and believe it or not, I had one woman take me to a gay bar because she had all sorts of flaming man friends that were a bit too flamboyant for me to be around for any given length of time, yet I endured because I really liked the girl.
That was our first date and it was actually hillarious to see these guys in full marylin drag, get up and do musical acts.
But the best part about that was that my male friend, who liked my dates female friend (just wanted to be clear) was also there and when we had first arrived, pointed out a woman to me stating how she had a nice looking posterior.
I quickly corrected him and informed him that it was in fact a male.
He knew better for some reason and even argued with me that there was no way this person was a male.
During the musical numbers, this person got up to sing, and wouldnt you know it, he/she headed in our direction, walked right up to my friend, and put his/her arm around him and continued to sing.
It was at this very moment he realized I was correct, and looked like he was gonna freak out.
I was literally coming apart at the seams, and still egg him about the ordeal once in a while.
But getting on to my real point…..sorry about the book.
I have found that women couldnt be happier with you if you simply put some thought and consideration in your date.
Stop off at deli and pick up some sliced meat, cheese, crackers, bread, and bottled water, or maybe some sparkling cider or a bottle of wine.
Either way, bring the water even if you brought the wine or cider.
Smoked salmon is great with cheese and french bread, but not everyone likes the same things so dont forget a little variety.
Pack in a picnic basket or what have you, and make sure you bring a couple of blankets, and an umbrella for shade just in case.
Leave early in the day, and drive to a hilly area out of the city near a river.
Have her wait with the air on in the car while you set up everything before opening her door and helping her out of the car.
A creative person may even spot a few wildflowers around in the area to class it up a bit.
If you play the guitar, you could bring it and serenade her, however make sure that you play it well or dont bother.
Now you have the rest of the afternoon to really sit and talk and observe your surroundings, and relax.
By the end of this picnic you will know if you want to continue on home to change and head out for dinner, or call it a day.
Either way, remain a gentleman even if she does not strike your fancy.
She deserves to be treated with respect even if by the end of the picnic you decide you would have rather helped your best friend move that day.
I promise that even if you decide to be just friends, or whatever…you will have a relaxing time, and get to know alot about the person.
I know this may sound a bit corny or whatever, but I have found that women really respond in a positive way when the guy takes the initiative to put something like that together versus flashing a credit card and being served.
This coming from a 6′ 7″ guy that has spent the latter part of his life listening to heavy metal, and pounding on his Axe, entertaining the very unwilling next door neighbors…..P.S. if you take a guitar on your picnic, DONT PLAY HEAVY METAL TO YOUR DATE!
Hahahahahaha
August 19th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
The suggestions for a first date are good informaiton for a man! I am always looking for ideas to make a first date – and any date -memorable. I was NOT familiar with the research done on ‘excitement = arousal’ and it is helpful for a man. Men and women agree – its a new world out there for dating. Getting the adrenaline pumping wil be something she wil remember when she wakes up the next day to tell her girlfriends how her evening was. I made notes for my own file when planning a date. THANK YOU. Well done!
August 20th, 2007 at 9:59 am
Scary to think that someone would have to write this stuff down.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:40 pm
As a Ph.D., I agree with Diana. This information is really old – in the world of Social Science. Diana really hit the mark with her comments.
I would suggest if one wants to use old data, remember that 80% of communication is non-verbal; and men are strongly influenced by looks, where women are attracted by other variables.
Also, when you meet your date for the first time, keep in mind that a person can “keep a story (lie or misrepresentation) together for about 20 minutes. After that, gaps or little yellow flags will begin to appear. If you don’t get the yellow flags or red ones after a half an hour, then give the relationship a chance, 2nd date, whatever.
Best wishes to all of us who are looking for “the love of our lives”!
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:13 am
For a first date with someone I’ve met online, I like to get a coffee at a local coffee house… nice and casual, plenty of time for a walk or something after if we’re getting along well, easy to keep it short if not. Also, since this is really casual, I feel equally comfortable suggesting to the guy that we grab a coffee some evening, or agreeing if he suggests it.
I think it’s a little different with someone you’ve already met or already know. For my first date with my last boyfriend, we went for a hike and then had dinner afterwards… but we had met in person earlier at a friend’s and chatted for an hour or two, so we both knew that we were comfortable with each other and would enjoy the activity together even if it didn’t go anywhere else. Doing something active was a great way to get to know each other, not nearly the pressure for constant conversation that just dinner is. Our second date was supposed to be a movie, but the walk by a lake and sitting on bench by the water watching the sun set (what we did when the movie was sold out) was much better and a great way to go from the fun, casual, friendly first date to holding hands and snuggling up together.
August 26th, 2007 at 3:41 am
I hope I meet someone like Patrick. He sounds like a wonderful person and really charming and thoughtful. And I agree with everything he said. From a womans point of view if the man is respectful and shows it – that is something nowadays. I have met some that think you are their possession after the first conversation which changes your whole perspective of them and at that point I want nothing more to do with them. I want someone who listens to me, treats me like an individual, respects me and overall treats me as an equal in most aspects.
August 26th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Thank You Pam, I appreciate the compliment.
Apparently chivalry, and gallantry is still treasured in todays world.
The following is pasted from your last comment……
“I want someone who listens to me, treats me like an individual, respects me and overall treats me as an equal in most aspects.
The funny thing is…..what you have asked for, is to be treated as a human being.
Something you shouldn’t have to ask for.
It just escapes me, why people can’t just be good toward each other.
In all reality, everyone has the capability to care about others, and their feelings.
Why isn’t it just an involuntary behavior trait to respect one another.
In a perfect world…….
Cheers!
August 31st, 2007 at 5:35 pm
I have read somewhere that going for coffee on a first date can lead to increases in attraction towards the person you are with because the caffeine in the coffee gets your heart racing. I think this is a good experiment to try for people who want to enhance attraction without jumping out of a plane or doing something too outrageous on their first date.
September 2nd, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Patrick, you are the man of my dreams. You hit the nail on the head as far as how women like to be treated and respected.
I had a match recently with a man who after going through the guided communication for one week asked to meet me for coffee. I agreed and when he asked me to suggest somewhere neutral I was right on it and suggested where we could meet, and even invited him to place a protected call to me through eHarmony if he wished to. He then replied that because I was already driving I could pick him up and drive him to the coffee shop and then return him to the location where I picked him up. He said that if it was too complicated I could call him on his cel and he sent me the number. NOT! This threw up a big red flag for me. I wrote back to him and told him that I was very uncomfortable with this plan, and that I never pick up strangers. I also reminded him that I had invited him to place a call to me through eHarmony and instead he gave me his cel number to call him. What does this all tell you? It tells me that first of all this guy is cheap, he has no regard for my feelings at all. He was willing to put me in an awkward and vulnerable situation. A gentleman he is not. Remember it was he who invited me for coffee. I pondered this for a day and a half and decided to close the match and when I went in to e-mail him to explain that I was going to close, he had already closed on me and said that there was too much difference in our values.
In my mind a better and very simple way for him to have handled this first meeting would have been: Him to ask me to meet him at the ferry if he didn’t want to bring his car, which I have no problem with. Then for him to bring coffee and donuts or bagels for both of us and we could have sat in the ferry terminal and talked and possibly go for a walk. Then if things went alright make a date for another day and I expect at that point he would offer to drive over and take me out somewhere nice, not necessarily expensive, but put some thought into the date.
Thanks again, Patrick you have helped to restore my faith in this dateing thing. I was married to one man for a very long time and it has been over 40 years since I have dated.
September 2nd, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Right on Pam. You also hit the nail on the head. Good luck in your search for Mr. Right.
September 3rd, 2007 at 1:35 pm
I’m doing the eharmony thing and have met a couple of guys that I am talking to that live a couple of hrs away, and will pursue this. I am not young, was married forever before I finally got brave enough to get out of it. But need a guys opinion, I met a man in NO a yr ago in Oct. We have emailed, IM’d, and talk on the phone. He asked me to meet him there in April and I did and we’re doing it again in Oct, his idea. We get along great. So is the guy really interested or what. He lives in NY and I live in OK so NO is a great place to meet. There hasn’t been many days that we don’t communicate in some way. When I met him in Oct. last yr we had kind of watched each other all weekend and he finally came up to me with a rose and we just walked and talked for a few hrs. both had early flights out. He took my phone number and I asked him why that I would never hear from him again, and he called me the next day. So would he keep this up if he wasn’t interested? Yes I could just ask him I guess. I think from my end it would be hard to use the L word because of the whole situation, but am very interested. Obviously chemistry was there from the beginning. Input anyone?
Maybe this isn’t what this site is far but I do use eharmony and it is a relationship question? Input guys?
September 8th, 2007 at 2:51 am
Elizabeth, it sounds to me like he is very interested. You communicate almost daily for a year and he travels almost 1000 miles to see you more then once. I would be willing to go out on a limb here and say that he is a lot more then just interested in you. But I’m basing this on what that sort of behavior would mean coming from me, and observations of my friends and family. So take it for what it is worth.
On the topic of first dates I would much rather meet somewhere I can talk to my date then someplace like a movie theater, amusement park, or (god forbid) sky diving (I really can’t imagine a worse thing to do on a first date) . When I’m on a first date I really am there to get to know the woman I’m with, I can’t see that happening when there lots of distractions around. I like the coffee house idea for a first date; it would keep it casual and public, and take some of the pressure off. Lets face it the “classic†dinner date has all sort of nervous connotations to it. I really think it’s difficult to get all dressed up and meet for an entire meal on the first date and not be nervous. Form what I have seen the nervousness starts hours before a first date usually when the person going starts to get ready. (And trust me with 3 sisters a brother and 51 first cousins a lot of which I see on a regular basis I have had many opportunities to see people preparing for a first date many of these the classic dinner date.) Anything that can be done to reduce the level of anxiety that a first date generates is a good thing.
September 14th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
I can see all angles of the arguments for and against the adrenaline concept. But, in true analytical fahsion, some of these folks are over thinking a very simple idea. Usually when I overthink or over analyze something, it never turns out like I planned. Personally, it’s been over ten years since I dated anyone. Dating isn’t the same as it was in college. I don’t plan on putting extraneous stress on myself by putting unrealistic expectaions on my self or the date, or by over thinking it and ruining what could be something wonderful and fun.
September 24th, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Hello Harmonizers,
Patrick, if you live within 200 kilometers of Kitchener, I’m yours. Just kidding. But you describe exactly what behaviour I look for in a date, and your inventiveness would be sure to grab my attention.
So, I have a question for the men. What would the female equivalent of Patrick’s idea look like? For the second date, of course. Would it make your heart sing if she took you to a Buskers’ Festival or what?
Enjoy the process folks!
Good luck to us all
September 27th, 2007 at 2:07 am
Hi Chris.
I guess I must ask the inevitable question……
What exactly is a Buskers’ Festival???
I guess that’s something we don’t have here in California.
Either that, or I just haven’t been paying close enough attention.
Cheers!
April 25th, 2008 at 12:51 am
cute
January 20th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Patrick is the most perfect man.