Mothers and Daughters
by Heather Setrakian | May 11th, 2007I think moms generally get a bad rap as their children get older. In movies and TV they are usually portrayed as neurotically overbearing or with selfish disdain (or an absurd amount of wisdom, but I digress). And adult daughters of mothers can often be seen as helpless to their mother’s power and hoping she will cut her visit short. Is that really the case in the real world? If it is for you, take heart, according to several researchers, your relationship with your mom improves over time (Fischer, 1981), especially if you get married and have children. As a daughter transitions into motherhood, she may establish a new closeness with her mom- even if previous relations were negative. Barnett, Kibria, Baruch and Pleck (1991) reported that a young-adult daughter (under age 33) would experience more emotional distress with their mother during bad times, but experience more benefit from the relationship during good times than older-adult daughters. This might be because the several roles an older-adult daughter holds (parent, spouse, career, etc) lessen the impact and provide more resilience. Sickness and care-giving stress is independent of these assertions. Either way, disagreement within the relationship doesn’t define or detract from it (Boyd 1989). Most daughters and mothers, when interviewed, describe their relationship as rewarding despite also reporting conflict. Fox (1979; as cited by Boyd, 1989) noted that “intimacy and irritation go hand-hand.” (p.21) So there you have it. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love you, sometimes you drive me crazy, and I couldn’t imagine life without you.
Further Reading:
Barnett, R.C., Kibria, N., Baruch, G.K., Pleck, J.H. (1991). Adult daughter-parent relationships and their association with daughters’ subjective well-being and psychological distress. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53, 29-42.
Boyd, C.J. (1989). Mothers and daughters: A discussion of theory and research. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51 291-301.
Fischer, L.R. (1981). Transitions in mother-daughter relationship. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 43 613-622.
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May 11th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Well, glad I read this blog. My first. As time goes on, and my now forty five year old daughter ages, I find that she embellishes the facts of her life more and more. Since I am the only surviving parent and the grandparents are gone, her brothers and I are the recipients of her morbid view of her childhood, her life in general. A very sad individual indeed. We have all tried to be accepting and kind. I am the primary source of all the ills that have befallen her during her lifetime. At least to hear it from her. I listen to this and I am filled with wonder at her recollections, and sadness at how she has “turned out” as a person. Sorry, Mother’s Day always does this to me.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
My daughter is 47. I am 76. From the day she was born my heart has shrouded her in love, and as she grew and thrived that love grew to admiration. Her father and I separated and her loyalties went to him; I have felt rejection since then and although she does stay in touch and keeps me “in tune” with her life, I feel a chasm between us and most nights I grieve instead of sleep. If there is someone who has similar experience, it would be consoling to share the sorrow.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Joan, I can relate. My older two children are by my first marriage and one daughter by the second. My oldest daughter regards her deceased alcoholic and irresponsible father as her hero. I have tried to express my sadness at hearing her go on and on about how much she admired his courage in the face of cancer. I’m glad she had a good relationship with him but she turns all her attention to his side of the family.I know she is angry over being raised by a step-father (bipolar) who raged at the oldest two children and put his biological child on a pedestal. She has a right to be angry. However, I did the best I know how to raise them. I know what it’s like to grieve for your own child. My other two seem to be stable an able to express love toward me. I have seen a LPC about this relationship. She encouraged me to write a journal-which I do.