Do birds of a feather really flock together or do opposites attract? Are we attracted to people who are similar or who compliment? Although people still have varying opinions on this question the research on the topic is pretty clear. You are more likely to be attracted to and more likely to have a satisfying relationship with someone who is similar. In fact, when Thomas Gilovich (Cornell University), Dacher Keltner (UC Berkeley), and Richard Nisbett (University of Michigan) addressed this topic in their Social Psychology text book (one that is used in psychology classes in many colleges and universities) they concluded that “Similarity is the rule and complimentarity is the exception” (page 102).

But why does similarity promote attraction and satisfaction? Well relationships researchers think there are three relational benefits to similarity (Anderson, Keltner, & John, 2003). First, we like people with similar attitudes and values because they validate what we believe. Think about the last time you had a political debate with a group of people, when you were done did you like the people who felt the same way that you did better than those who believed the opposite? Have you ever been surprised at how much your start to dislike a person when they had a different point of view?

Second, it is easier to understand similar others because they are more likely to experience the same emotional reactions to the same situations. If a partner is getting frustrated and angry at an exceptionally slow clerk at the store, it is easier to understand them if you are similar because you would likely feel the same way in that same situation. And the best way to understanding someone is to feel the same way yourself (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1994).

Third, because feeling the same way leads to acting the same way it is easier to interact with similar people because they are more likely to react to the same situations in the same ways. In other words you are more likely to coordinate your responses to the world around you with someone who is similar than someone who is different (Kemper, 1991). If you are both angry at the slow clerk at the store, it is easier to complain and get something done than if only one of you is frustrated. The better able people are to work together the more likely they are to get things done faster and with less relationship stress.

Of course relationships are complicated and there are many reasons why they succeed or fail but relationships with those who are similar are more likely to be satisfying than relationship with those who are opposites. While people may find opposites interesting and exciting in the long run having a romantic partner who is similar makes it easier to understand them, interact with them, and it can even make people feel better about themselves. If you want to know more check out these articles.

Further Reading:

Anderson, C., Keltner, D., & John, O. P. (2003). Emotional convergence between people over time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(5), 1054-1068.

Gilovich, T., Keltner, D., Nisbett, R. E. (2006). Social Psychology. W. W. Norton & Company:
New York.

Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1994). Emotional Contagion. New York:Cambridge
University Press.

Kemper, T. D. (1991). Predicting emotions from social relations. Social Psychology Quarterly, 54, 330-342.