I’ve been reading about several divorced celebrity dads and the varied connection they have with their children. What are factors within the divorce process that make it so difficult (or easy) to provide good parenting? Is the other spouse to blame? Is it possible that some of these fathers are good parents in a horrible circumstances? It seems there is no love lost between some celebrity couples, while others still act as best friends.

It’s important to understand the origin of situations like these in the constellation of the divorce process; many times it’s the mother that gets the benefit of the doubt, and the father has to prove his worth. It’s possible for a good father to lose his cool after repeatedly being isolated and demeaned. According to a review of literature on divorced fathers, Nielson (1999) reported that “the single most important factor is the mother’s attitude towards the father. That is, fathers and children usually remain close only if the mother actively encourages and facilitates their relationship…too many divorced fathers end up with little of nor relationship with their children in part because the mother has not been supportive.” In other words, mothers still have a responsibility in nurturing and prioritizing their children’s relationship with their father after the divorce (provided there is no legitimate reason to separate them), even if it pains the ego to do so.

What about the identity as a father and a husband? Looking at a case study supplied by Baum (2004) divorced parents have to outwardly sever the identity of parent and spouse, but inwardly those roles may remain joined. The divorce has not been properly grieved for and released. This may result in “residuals” of the former identity as a spouse which affects the man’s ability to create a new identity as a fully transitioned ex-husband and fully present father. Worse yet, the more these residuals remain present, the easier it is for reminders of that former life to trigger strong emotions previously experienced by the marriage (something referred to in the paper as “refueling”). A recent infamous phone message comes to mind. It’s possible that pattern of behavior was reminiscent of something in the marriage, and the emotional outburst was more a reaction to the past marriage, not the child.

Why does it matter who the children are close to, as long as the have someone, right? Looking at Nielson’s 1999 review of the literature again, several studies reported that teenagers and young adults that maintain close relationships with their fathers are less likely to experience clinical depression, eating disorders, or anxiety disorders. The children also tend to be more socially mature and have fewer problems related to dating and sexuality particularly if the mother hasn’t remarried. Many turn to their father to get practical advice on ever-day matters or future considerations regarding jobs or education. Nielson doesn’t mention the influence of a supportive male role model (like a step-father, uncle, family friend) if the father is flat-out not appropriate or available, and I hope that would make a difference.

So bottom line, if you are in the process of a divorce, make sure to put your children’s relationship with the other parent above your ill feelings of the relationship, especially when you know deep-down that your ex is good to your kids. Denying your children a relationship with a good ex may have devastating long-term consequences. If there are legitimate reasons why that’s not possible, make sure your children have good role models of both genders to help in their development.

Further Reading:

Baum, N.(2004). Coping with “absence-presence”: Noncustodial fathers’ parenting behaviors. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 74, 316-324.

Nielson, L. (1999). Demeaning, demoralizing, and disenfranchising divorced dads: A review of the literature. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 31, 139- 177.