Why broken promises aren’t always a bad sign

Have you ever had this thought?  If my partner loved me he/she would change…[fill in the blank with whatever annoys you].  Many of us hold this idea that a person’s willingness to change reflects his/her passion and commitment in the relationship.  If he loved me he would stop smoking; if she loved me she wouldn’t talk to other guys.

This is true – people look at their partner’s behaviors as an indicator of how well the relationship is going.  Research shows that when you see your partner following through on promises, you think he/she has your best interest in mind and feel happier about the relationship.

Unfortunately, this conclusion can be very misleading!  Think of the reverse scenario.  If you see that your partner does not follow through on his/her promises, you might conclude that that person does not care about your feelings or the relationship.  In fact, research shows that the more your partner likes you, the more promises he or she will make.  However, wanting to change does not translate to being able to change.  People who cared for their partners the most were not the ones who followed through on promises the most.

You might make the same mistake when looking at your own behaviors, too.  In a recent study, people attributed their own ability to follow through on promises more to their feelings for their partner rather than circumstances or their own personalities.  However, researchers found the opposite – that personality and circumstance mattered more than feelings.  People who followed through on promises were either more dependable and organized in general or they had a plan – for example, written steps to fulfill their promised behaviors.

The bottom line is that broken promises are not always a sign that your partner lacks consideration or that your relationship is in jeopardy.  If made with good intentions, the promises themselves may be a good sign.  Following through on behavior changes can be tough, especially if you set high expectations.  If you are trying to make your own changes this year, consider making a plan to change those behaviors in addition to making resolutions.

Further Reading:

Peetz, J., & Kammrath, L. (2011). Only because I love you: Why people make and why they break promises in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100 (5), 887-904 PMID: 21244176

Setrakian, H. (2011). Relationship Advice: Why do those that love you make promises they can’t keep.

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