More Distance Means Happier Relationships

Most of us have come upon the hurdle in relationships when we need to decide if we should be exclusively together while living far apart from one another.  Whether it be a decision you’re making for yourself or for a friend, this decision always seems to have the same advice, “Long distance relationships never work out.”  But is that really true? Are long distance relationships not as happy as those who are geographically close?

A recent study by Stafford (2005) found the opposite.  This research showed that long distance relationships (LDRs) were equally or more satisfied with their relationships and committed to their partner.  This finding seems counterintuitive.  How can a couple that lives so far away from one another feel as satisfied or more satisfied with their relationship than a couple who spends much more time with one another?

Research has shown that one of the reasons couples in LDRs are just as happy if not more so than couples who live near each other is due to romantic idealization (Stafford & Merolla, 2007).  Romantic idealization is the tendency to overestimate the status of the relationship in unrealistic terms.  This can happen in a few different ways in a LDR couple.  A person in a LDR may constantly reminisce about their relationship, and remember certain interactions as much more rewarding and important than they were in reality.  They may also overextend how similar they are with their partner agreeing on certain things.  This leads to idealizing how they share similar beliefs when they, in reality, share only few similar beliefs.  Communication between the two is also idealized, in that couples in LDRs also perceive their communication to be higher quality than it is in reality.  In this, these couples overextend their abilities to manage conflict and communicate efficiently.

But how does this idealization differ among LDR couples?  An interesting finding in this study found that longer delays between face-to-face interactions were associated with higher incidences of idealization.  In other words, the longer a couple went without seeing each other, the more they would overestimate how well their relationship is going, their shared beliefs, communication quality, and memories with their partner.

If you are in a LDR or have a friend that is, it is good to keep this kind of information in your mind.  Although idealizing your relationship can be common in LDRs, it can be healthy for you and your partner to think about your relationship realistically and put forth more effort to get your LDR to what you may be thinking it already is.

Further Reading:

Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24 (1), 37-54 DOI: 10.1177/0265407507072578

Stafford, L. (2005). Maintaining long-distance and cross-residential relationships. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

Follow @eHarmonyLabs